There is nothing like being reminded of just how fragile life is...over and over and over again...especially when I am trying to grow a little, arguably more fragile life, inside of me.
Those of you who know me, or who follow the blog regularly, know my brother died a month ago...well, technically, a month and a week. To be honest, I don't think I have even really begun to cope with it. I had to make it through finals week--aka the week to begin and complete LOTS of VERY long research papers and presentations. So, I put all my focus into that. See, I'm really good at that--choosing what I focus on...putting things on the back burner. It is how I "cope". It's also one of the main reasons I believe I am able to manage children and a doctoral program at the same time--I turn one or the other off in order to complete the opposite.
BUT, it's not so great when stuff refuses to stay on the back burner. And that is what I have been experiencing the past couple days. My dad was rushed to the ER Friday night with truly terrifying symptoms (inability to sit up or move his arms, not aware of who he was or where he was, etc.). He was not getting enough oxygen into his system and was placed on a ventilator. It really did not look good. In fact, I had a bag packed for when I would need to head to SC to support my mom and sister and I couldn't stop thinking, "I'm going to lose HALF of my family in less than 6 weeks. My mom is going to lose HALF of her life in what is literally a blink of the eyes." Luckily, that didn't happen. They were finally able to identify what they believe to be the cause of everything and he is now off of the ventilator and the confusion has lifted.
But...my God, isn't life fragile. Unpredictable. Hits you like a train, keeps going, then suddenly skids to a stop, only to then flow nice and calmly for days, weeks, months, years. I have to admit to personally being shaken to the core by the past few weeks. I am TERRIFIED. It's easy to tell yourself everything is going to be okay when to you get close to the whole birthing experience when everything truly feels okay. BUT, right now, my world doesn't feel okay. It doesn't feel safe. I cringe when my phone beeps or rings. Every new ache or pain is cause for alarm. Every little tightening sends me into immediate fear that labor is starting 8 weeks too early. Every little muscle cramp or discomfort sends me into fear that another blood clot has formed. I was so sure I wanted a VBAC--that's right...NO MORE C-sections for this Mama--not after the horror that was Anneliese's birth day...but this consistent reminding of my mortality, of this baby's immense fragility, makes me want to run to the comfort of control. Of knowing the exact risks of not taking the one in thousands of chances that something will rupture.
However, is that really how I want to make choices? Out of fear. Out of the need to feel control over something? Is that really what this is about? It's not really control, it's the illusion of control. It's not really safety or being "okay", it's the ability to talk yourself into believing it. It's keeping all that is scary and unpleasant in the world, in my life, on that back burner. True, I do it so I can face the everyday with the most optimism and strength I can muster...but that doesn't mean it's not there, it doesn't mean it's not going to boil over.
I guess the real question is: Do I slam the lid back on and just keep adding to the back burner OR do I move it forward and try to do something with it? Do I have the strength of do something with it? The desire? I'll let you know when I decide...but, it is a possibility.
What do you keep on the back burner? Is there something back there that has been boiling over? Something you should really do something about? How do you brace yourself for it? How do you manage your back burner?