Is it Ever OK to Hide a Part of Yourself to Reach Your Goals?

This past week in one of my classes we were discussing personal disclosures and if and when they should be used with clients.  We also discussed how things that we wear, say, do, etc. are all disclosures and that we should be aware of them--an example would be wearing a wedding band.

Anyways, this made me think of my process of preparing to apply for doctoral studies and the debate that raged in my mind regarding whether or not I should disclose the fact I had children.  The debate went something like this:

for disclosing:  You should definitely tell them you have kids.  It should be a part of your personal statement; it's one of the main reasons you even considered going on to pursue a doctorate.

against:  NO!  They might read that and believe you have your hands too full.  They may decide you can't make it...there's no way someone will hear you have two very small children and one of the way and think that you can hack the world of doctoral studies.

for:  Maybe it will show I'm motivated and ambitious.  That's important right?

against:  Yeah, if you can actually make your ambition and motivation lead to something worthwhile.  Will they believe you can actually do that with small kids at home.  Don't say anything.

for:  But...but...these kids are a part of me.  I don't want to lie but I also want to show the strength I have that I wouldn't have had without them.  Plus, I don't really want to get in somewhere that feels that way then announce that I have kids.

You get the idea.  This went back and forth, back and forth.  I actually wrote two different personal statements and I have to admit the one with the kids included was more powerful...and more authentic.  In the end, I didn't even have to make the decision because one of my letters of recommendation flat out stated that I had very small children.  I have to be honest, I breathed a sigh of relief at that because my choice was made.

However, when looking back I find myself wondering how it could have turned out very differently.  What if that professor didn't send me a copy of the letter and I sent in the against disclosing statement...would that have made me look like I was hiding something or like a neglectful mother?  Or would I have gotten into a different school, one that prided itself in being rigorous, and found myself in a setting that was unsupportive and not understanding?

What would I have done if that professor had not included my children in his letter?  I'd like to think I still would've gone with the for disclosing statement because it was the honest statement, because it was the complete picture of me--both positives and negatives.  But, putting myself out there like that...letting people who are judging me in one aspect of my life know that other aspects may influence that which they are judging in both positive and negative ways is terrifying.

When you have a drive to be "the best of the best", you don't want others thinking anything stand in your way...even if it is your own children.  Where is that line between motivation and obsession?  I'm not quite sure and sometimes I wonder if I flirt a little to closely with the obsession line when it comes to school work and professional obligations--possibly saying yes to more than I should, putting in more to basic assignments than I need to--and it worries me what I may be losing in the process.  THIS is why I hope I would've included the statement acknowledging my girls...because it shows motivation, but not a single minded obsessiveness that is willing to ignore a large part of me in order to reach it's (my) goals.

Have you ever glossed over a role you play or part of who you are in order to achieve a goal you had that may not have meshed well with that part you glossed over?  Was it worth it?  Did you have to deal with negative consequences, either interpersonally or intrapersonally?  Did you eventually come clean?  Or, have you, like me, chosen to show that part you so desperately wanted to hide?  Why did you decide to go that route?  How did it end?

Am I an Imposter?

There's a theory that was discussed in the November issue of GradPSYCH focused on the Imposter Phenomenon that fit me to a "T".  In fact, I took the online rating scale, offered at www.apa.org/gradPSYCH/digital/imposter.aspx (click on the circled triangle next to the smiley face to take the assessment yourself) and scored a whopping 93--a score of 80 or higher is considered displaying such extreme characteristics of Imposter Phenomenon that it likely interferes with your everyday life.

Is it hard to admit to yourself that you may not be able to do any better than you currently are?  Have you ever struggled with accepting praise?  Do you ever feel like one of your successes was a fluke and there's no way you could replicate it?  If you answered yes to these, you may also experience feelings related to the Imposter Phenomenon.

This phenomenon, considered a very specific form of self doubt, suggests that there are individual's who experience success but are unable to internalize and accept these successes.  In these cases, the individual's feel they got as far as they have due to luck and that at any moment someone will unmask them as a fraud.  Dr. Suzanne Imes suggests that in today's society there can be confusion between worthiness of love and approval, making individuals believe self-worth is contingent upon achievement.

Additionally, it has been suggested that this phenomenon tends to be more common in individual's embarking on a new endeavor as well as more pronounced in individuals differing in any significant way from the majority of ones peers (such as race, gender, or sexual orientation.)

I've always had a propensity towards feeling like a fraud.  I always felt that I didn't deserve the grades I got, because I didn't study like I should have, or I didn't really understand that topic, I just guessed.  However, add to this predisposition the fact I have just recently entered the world of motherhood and the world of doctoral studies and you find me squarely within the two areas in which individuals tend to experience more Imposter Phenomenon characteristics--new endeavors and being markedly different from my peers. 

And, it's not that my peers treat me any differently or are really all that different from me...it just makes me feel more "other" in my own head.  I tell myself I am different.  I tell myself I can't reach the same levels in research and academics as them because I am a fraud, I mean, I can't really be a full time student and a full time mom at the same time, can I?

Then....I feel like a fraud at home.  I can't properly manage my daughters screaming temper tantrums.  I lose my temper far more often than I would like.  I know yelling at children can cause emotional damage and yet, sometimes, I can't help myself.  Not only do I suck at this parenting thing, I chastise myself, but I also can't even apply my professional knowledge to the situation.

I recently had a friend tell me that she didn't "know anyone else who can handle the responsibility you do with the grace and poise that you handle it with" and my first thought was, "Ha, if only she knew."  I shared with my husband that I feel like screaming when people ask me how I do it or comment on how I've "got it all together" because they can't see the scotch tape and wet glue I actually have holding it together (or, if we want to be literal, sleepless nights, plagues of doubt, and bribes of treats to get my kids to behave on the required weekly grocery outings).

It's nice to know I'm not alone in these feelings.  To know that it is a somewhat "normal" occurrence...well, at least normal enough to be considered a phenomenon and not a debilitating disability.

The thing that's not so nice is dealing with it.  I want to be proud of my accomplishments, I want to recognize my hard work and accept praise that I so truly deserve.  I want to see the positives in my own life.  I can see it all intellectually--my grades, my ambition, my abilities, my strengths, my potential, and most of all the strong, intelligent, beautiful girls I'm having such a large hand in raising...but in the day to day, in the here and now, I often see only my weaknesses, my failures, my inabilities and the tantrums, the "I hate you"s, the fighting.  When someone points out a strength or a success, I immediately and automatically respond with, yeah, but, look at this weakness or this failure.  I realize I'm doing myself a disservice...but, I'm not really sure how to turn around this way of viewing myself.

The article had a few tips--Talk to your mentors, Remember what you do well, Realize no one is perfect, Change your Thinking, and Talk to someone who can help.

So...here is my tip by tip plan for shaking the imposter phenomenon and being able to live happily within my own successes.

Tip 1:  Talk to your Mentors:  Begin the search for a mentor--someone not in my program as I wouldn't want to discuss in depth these feelings and worries with a professor who may have me in a future class.  Someone I trust to tell it to me straight, so to speak, and highlight both areas to work on and strengths so I don't feel as if the strengths are just bs to make me feel better about myself.

Tip 2:  Recognize your expertise:  Try to work out my schedule so I can work with the intro to counseling techniques masters level class, allowing me to share my experience and skills with those who have yet to develop them.  Attempt to share experience with those Scholars in my graduate assistantship department who are interested in applying to psychology graduate school.

Tip 3:  Remember what you do well:  List things I do well and areas that legitimately need work, but never allow the areas for work list exceed the do well list.  Start now!  Three things I do well are build rapport with adolescent clients, acknowledge and name my own feelings, manage the "no"s my two year old so thoroughly enjoys employing at this stage of her development.

Tip 4:  Realize no one is perfect:  This one I've tricked myself into believing I don't need--I always tell myself "It is what it is" and I did it "well enough" but the truth is, I don't really believe either of those.  It is what I make it and well enough doesn't get a 4.0 or develop children to their fullest potentials.  I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but when I look at it this way, maybe I am.  It will be a long hard struggle for me to accept this one...but I can work on being more grateful for the successes I encounter.

Tip 5:  Change your Thinking:  This is about reframing.  I need to realize that though I play a large role in my girls' lives, other people are also helping to shape them, so if I'm not the perfect mom at all times it will be okay, they will be okay.  (That sentence was actually difficult to write...it's so hard for me to even view myself as not attempting to do the best I possibly can at all times).

Tip 6:  Talk to Someone who can help:  This is an option that I may utilize if I begin to experience the feelings of anxiety or depression typical to individuals attempting to manage intense feelings of Imposter Phenomenon.  Though, I will continue to employ my cohort, my husband, my friends, and my family to ward off these feelings and to help me stay grounded in my successes instead of clouded by my failures.

Have you ever dealt with feelings of Imposter Phenomenon?  How did you manage them? 


References

Weir, Kirsten.  (2013).  Feel like a fraud?  gradPSYCH, 11(4), 24-27.

Overwhelmed, but let's be honest, I did it to myself :)

Overwhelmed...what a small word to describe such a large feeling.  Can that one word truly describe the weight I feel right now, with all sides crushing in around me?  Can it truly embody my experience of life throwing curve balls at me right as the crunch time of the semester begins?  Can that word fully portray my stress, my failed attempts to prioritize, my feeling of being so far buried that maybe it's not even worth attempting to dig out?

NO.  Yet, it's the only word we have to describe and classify these feelings.  It's not just stress.  It's not just depression.  It's not just frustration, anxiety, or feeling lost.  It's an all-encompassing mash up of all of these...one that clouds any successes, erases any hope, laughs in the face of your belief that your silly to do list will help you create a plan to get out from under its weight.  It's that feeling of being a camel one straw away from breaking its back--the knowledge that one more thing, just one more insignificant little thing, will break you.

I know many, if not all, of you have been here.  Whether it was life throwing you more than you thought you could handle, the last three-six weeks of a school semester when it seems that 90% of your entire 14 weeks worth of assignments are placed, or being in a room with a child or children that just won't stop screaming.  Or maybe you, like me, have experienced all of these at once.  Whatever your most overwhelmed moment was up until this point you clearly made it through.  You may have felt broken, trampled, and/or lost...but you made it...you survived.  And, hopefully it made you stronger, more resilient, more ready to take on those feelings that are way to ominous to be embodied by one tiny word.

For those of you who struggle with feeling overwhelmed, who find themselves giving up when those feelings begin to build, let me share with you how I manage it.  Many people ask me how I do it.  How I raise a very young family, work part time, and work towards my doctorate degree.  I usually tell them, I just do.  But, that's not the real answer.  The real answer is I choose to fight the feeling of being overwhelmed.  I do my best to bar those feelings from clouding my successes, erasing my hope, and taking away my belief that planning and pushing will lead to erasing those feelings. 

Granted, this is not an easy process, but I look at it as choosing to survive rather than worry over my ability to meet every demand.  I take my semester one day, one assignment at a time.  I start each day with my girls as a new day and when I feel my patience slipping, which it seems to be doing by 8:30 am these days, I hold whichever one is starting to drive me crazy (if they allow me to) for a full minute, reminding myself that not every moment with her is a mini hell.

I remind myself, and, this is the important part, force myself to believe that there is an end in sight.  That I am alive, that things can be so much worse, and that those things that are weighing down on me are actually things I am so very grateful for, that I would be lost without, that I could lose if I do not continue to fight and survive.

I don't want to spend my life with the mentality that life sucks and then you die and if I allow myself to spend the next five years feeling overwhelmed that will truly be my life.  My life does not suck.  It is hard at times and often I feel like I can't get out from under it, can't find a moment to "be me" but then I realize how I handle life, how I view life, how I manage being under it defines me.  It is me.  I am an individual who thrives when overwhelmed, who purposefully adds and adds and adds to my plate until it is at that point.  I am overwhelmed because I want so much out of life, yet life wants so much out of me.  It's a give and take and being overwhelmed is the part where you feel life is taking more from you than you are taking from it. 

Good news!  The pendulum almost always swings back.  My plan, humble and possibly stupid as it may be, is to not only allow life to take what it needs from me, but to give it my all with the hope that pushing into it allows me to receive more when it is time for the pendulum to swing back in my direction, to receive respite from feeling overwhelmed and build my own resiliency and strength.

When were you at your most overwhelmed?  How do you manage?  Do you see it as an obstacle to overcome or a learning and growing process?