It is time for a break. My brain literally feels as if it is about to explode. The semester is rounding out the second half at this point and it is time for me to start narrowing my own research ideas/topics/etc. Well, that's not entirely true...it's time to come up with two separate research proposals for two separate classes, in which I am going to write up everything but the results (because I'm no actually completing the research...just, you know, practicing the process). So, in my overachieving mind, I decided at the start of the semester that I would only do intense project like this on something that will likely tie into my future dissertation. The only problem is...I'm not quite sure what that will be...in fact, as the days go by I become increasingly more and more unsure as to what that will be which makes identifying smaller topics of interest that much more difficult!
I know, I know...quit complaining and whining and just pick something already! I would, I just don't want to do all that research, reading, and synthesizing of information for the hell of it...I want all those hours to count towards something more than just a single grade in a single class. I want to be able to build on my growing body of knowledge in a specific area semester after semester so when I do my dissertation most of the heavy background work is done already and I can focus on the actual data collection and analysis. And, it's not that I don't have ideas, it's just, I'm having trouble deciding which direction to go. Do I want to create and evaluate an intervention (which, if it is effective may lead to the ability to further develop and sell it)--don't judge me, I do have a family to support and many, many loans to pay back upon graduation! Or, do I want to look at something that I have seen occurring in classrooms, counseling centers, and the community and try to put a name to it, try to define something that has yet to be defined (BIG stuff if I could actually do it.) Do I go the easy, test retest and run numbers route or do I go the harder, in depth interviews and observations in addition to the running the numbers route? Am I a horrible mom for being pulled towards the in depth, time consuming, possibly not long term paying route?
That's the real heart of the problem for me...when does enjoying your work (in my case school right now), wanting to be challenged by it and immersed in it...make you a crappy mother? When you put your kids in an extra day of child care just so you can have time to really get into it (something I have considered doing in the coming years of study)? When you miss dance recitals, ball games, first dates? When your daughter tells you she doesn't want a Mama or doesn't love you on a daily basis because what she really wants is you to not correct her but instead hold her and love her wholeheartedly (my oldest, at only three years old, does this)? And when does being an involved mother make me a bad worker/student/researcher? When I choose to forgo a great research idea because it involves too much time? When I choose the easy way out so I can pick them up on time daily? Is it possible to be great at both? Is it possible to "lean in" to both roles? Will anything be left of me, as an individual, as a person separate from both those roles, if I do?
And...my brain still feels full...I will likely go the harder route, I will likely bust my ass to spend as much time as possible with my girls, and I will likely define myself by these roles. It may not be ideal...but, at least it is a decision I am consciously making. I will hold onto myself through what I choose to research, what I choose to do with my girls--I will allow my passions, my drive, to influence my roles. I will deposit small pieces of myself into both my work and my family so that when I lean into them, I am also leaning into the best of me.
How do you hold onto "you" throughout your roles? Do you feel as if you have a you that is separate from all your roles...or do your roles define you completely? What aspects of your life do you "lean in" to and which aspects, if any, suffer as a result? How do you handle the resulting guilt you may feel for letting things fall through the cracks?
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
It's not "becoming my new normal"
Okay, I've been shying away from writing about the enormity of balancing school, kids, research, work, and life in general...instead focusing mostly on the large part of my life that is parenting and trying to raise girls that will thrive in today's world. I want to say I've been writing about that because it is what struck me as the most important, but, if I'm being honest, it's because I don't want to focus on just how difficult this all is.
After each girl was born, people would state, "I don't know how you do it" and my answer was always, "It's not too bad, it's just become my new normal." And, I wasn't being modest...it really was just my new normal. I didn't have too difficult a time adjusting to less sleep, to carting kids everywhere, to screaming, to consistently dirty floors. This is likely due to the fact I was never working full time when raising the girls the past three years...I was doing a Masters and, in the final year, completing a 20 hour a week internship...BUT, there was still time in my day to fit most everything in.
Now, I can't find a spare moment that shouldn't be dedicated to something else. The only time I go to the gym is when I have to finish homework--fitting in a half hour workout and a shower, because I would feel like a complete failure if I went to the gym and walked out without having broken a sweat! The only time I spend with my husband is time I should spend reading for class. And each hour I spend playing with my girls on Mondays and Thursdays are hours that should be dedicated to research and writing and emails and....you get the point.
Now, I know some of you are likely thinking, well, you have time to write this blog. Yes, I do--during my 20 hour a week Graduate Assistantship. I sometimes wonder how I would even be managing without the time this allows me to complete classwork and have a few moments to process my stressors and jumble of emotions that gather throughout a week of never slowing down. This blog is my way of doing this, my way of making sense of the swirling thoughts, of grabbing the ones that are most effecting me and discharging them through typing. It allows me to put the thoughts and feelings into words; rationalizing them and making them coherent and not quite so enormous and engulfing.
This hasn't become easier; I haven't gotten used to it, and I'm terrified I never will. I feel like I am treading water, struggling to not go under, and unsure of which shore to head towards (each shore representing a different priority) and every time I think I've found direction and I'm moving forward, someone throws a pail of water in my face or calls me from the opposite shore.
With these feelings of never having enough time there is the knowledge that I am having to sacrifice one thing for another--at this point it is not just about prioritizing or skipping that one television show to make time for another, more necessary, activity. It is really having to choose one priority over the other--every day, every activity, it feels like I am asking what is more important, Kids or School, Time With My Husband or Getting Research Under My Belt, A Shower or Sleep, etc. All of these things are important...not just in the here and now but in the future as well. And, I have to admit to feeling resentful towards people who aren't having to make these choices. Sometimes I imagine I am childless, able to spend time on research teams and actually read every article assigned, able to delve into my personal choices of research and dream big, able to take on any opportunity that comes my way in the academic world while also having time to enjoy weekly nights out with my husband and/or friends AND other times I imagine I am schoolless and workless, able to paint all day with my girls, start projects on a Monday and finish them on a Tuesday instead of a Thursday, able to take full day trips to the zoo without worrying about being home in time to have a solid two hours of homework time during the girls regularly scheduled naptime, able to sit down to real dinners with all five of us at the table all 7 nights of the week. And, when I snap out of it, for a second I am so very jealous of the people that are able to experience either of these realities. But, as crazy as it is, as much as I feel like I am constantly treading water, I am so thankful I have the opportunity to do this and I will, eventually, make it my new normal OR just continue to tread through the next 5 years! The only way I will learn to deal with it is to continue to try to manage it and lean on everyone that is willing to allow me to lean.
When have you felt the most overwhelmed? How did you manage? Was it a long lasting process, and, if so, how did you keep your head above water? Was it truly worth it in the end?
After each girl was born, people would state, "I don't know how you do it" and my answer was always, "It's not too bad, it's just become my new normal." And, I wasn't being modest...it really was just my new normal. I didn't have too difficult a time adjusting to less sleep, to carting kids everywhere, to screaming, to consistently dirty floors. This is likely due to the fact I was never working full time when raising the girls the past three years...I was doing a Masters and, in the final year, completing a 20 hour a week internship...BUT, there was still time in my day to fit most everything in.
Now, I can't find a spare moment that shouldn't be dedicated to something else. The only time I go to the gym is when I have to finish homework--fitting in a half hour workout and a shower, because I would feel like a complete failure if I went to the gym and walked out without having broken a sweat! The only time I spend with my husband is time I should spend reading for class. And each hour I spend playing with my girls on Mondays and Thursdays are hours that should be dedicated to research and writing and emails and....you get the point.
Now, I know some of you are likely thinking, well, you have time to write this blog. Yes, I do--during my 20 hour a week Graduate Assistantship. I sometimes wonder how I would even be managing without the time this allows me to complete classwork and have a few moments to process my stressors and jumble of emotions that gather throughout a week of never slowing down. This blog is my way of doing this, my way of making sense of the swirling thoughts, of grabbing the ones that are most effecting me and discharging them through typing. It allows me to put the thoughts and feelings into words; rationalizing them and making them coherent and not quite so enormous and engulfing.
This hasn't become easier; I haven't gotten used to it, and I'm terrified I never will. I feel like I am treading water, struggling to not go under, and unsure of which shore to head towards (each shore representing a different priority) and every time I think I've found direction and I'm moving forward, someone throws a pail of water in my face or calls me from the opposite shore.
With these feelings of never having enough time there is the knowledge that I am having to sacrifice one thing for another--at this point it is not just about prioritizing or skipping that one television show to make time for another, more necessary, activity. It is really having to choose one priority over the other--every day, every activity, it feels like I am asking what is more important, Kids or School, Time With My Husband or Getting Research Under My Belt, A Shower or Sleep, etc. All of these things are important...not just in the here and now but in the future as well. And, I have to admit to feeling resentful towards people who aren't having to make these choices. Sometimes I imagine I am childless, able to spend time on research teams and actually read every article assigned, able to delve into my personal choices of research and dream big, able to take on any opportunity that comes my way in the academic world while also having time to enjoy weekly nights out with my husband and/or friends AND other times I imagine I am schoolless and workless, able to paint all day with my girls, start projects on a Monday and finish them on a Tuesday instead of a Thursday, able to take full day trips to the zoo without worrying about being home in time to have a solid two hours of homework time during the girls regularly scheduled naptime, able to sit down to real dinners with all five of us at the table all 7 nights of the week. And, when I snap out of it, for a second I am so very jealous of the people that are able to experience either of these realities. But, as crazy as it is, as much as I feel like I am constantly treading water, I am so thankful I have the opportunity to do this and I will, eventually, make it my new normal OR just continue to tread through the next 5 years! The only way I will learn to deal with it is to continue to try to manage it and lean on everyone that is willing to allow me to lean.
When have you felt the most overwhelmed? How did you manage? Was it a long lasting process, and, if so, how did you keep your head above water? Was it truly worth it in the end?
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Responsible for Own Actions...?
I have seen a disturbing trend over the past few years, and at first thought it was just my students and adolescent clients. I was attributing it more to their view of reality, life, and the rough hand they had been given paired with a blaming culture and the fact they are adolescents...but, it is MUCH more pervasive than that...and I am unsure as to how to safeguard my girls from that type of mentality.
This trend is the "It's not my fault" trend...you know, the one where your own mistakes, dumb choices, and short fallings are all someone else's responsibility. You get off free and clear and someone else is the bad guy for whatever consequences occur. You get pregnant because you didn't use birth control? Don't worry, it's his fault because he didn't have a condom or he didn't pull out. You drank too much then tried to drive home and got a ticket. Don't worry, it's the cops fault because he's an asshole and your girlfriends fault because she had to be up early and made you drive. You managed to shut down the entire government because you can't agree? Don't worry, it's all the (choose one) Republicans/Democrats fault, those damn bastards are refusing to see reason.
I admit, I too, am guilty of this...it is so much easier to blame my super tight schedule for my not having vacuumed the house or completed the laundry, or my very high stress levels and roaring headache for yelling at the girls. And, yes, those are true explanations of why I acted the way I did...but, do they really qualify as excuses? Can I really blame my yelling on my headache and stress levels, my inability to keep up with housework on my insanely busy schedule...or do I have some amount of responsibility in these instances? Could I have stayed up an extra ten minutes to vacuum or taken a "Mommy Time-Out" instead of yelling? ABSOLUTELY! But, why do that when I have built in excuses and finger pointing for every mistake that paint me as the victim and leave me free and clear of any negative consequences? The difference is, I don't believe it, I know I could have acted differently...I know I chose to act the way I did...and I admit it to myself...and now, to all of you. I am a blamer because sometimes it is so much easier because then...I'm not the bad guy and it's not my fault, at all!
This is where this line of reasoning becomes problematic in today's world. The idea of blaming the victim. A fantastic example would be that of rape. The news today has blown up the story of a young girl who, when 14, alleged rape against a 17 year old star football player. The story, as I heard it, is that the girl had been "sipping Bicardi" at home with friends then snuck out to hang out with the young man. They drank more (some sources say she was forced to drink more) and they ended up in a bedroom, alone (with the exception of a young man who video recorded the scene). They had sex, she claims she was raped; he claims she was consenting.
Now, don't shoot my head off for this, but, as a parent, I would be upset not only with the boy, but also with my daughter. I know, I know, that's "blaming the victim" BUT a young girl should be responsible for her behaviors to some extent. They should know that alcohol consumption and breaking house rules may lead to negative consequences...sometimes awful ones. As a mother of three girls I want my girls to know that the decisions they make lead them down different paths and though we can't control others' behaviors we can ALWAYS control our own and that some of those paths we choose to follow are inherently more risky than others. I'm not saying the girl in the above story deserved to be raped, nor that it is her fault, but she did engage in risky behaviors which, by definition, leaves her open to more risks. I want to teach my girls what risky behaviors are and that they are RESPONSIBLE for choosing to engage in risky behaviors, and therefore, to some extent, responsible for the consequences of the risky behavior. I don't want them to grow up in a world where ALL of the consequences of their choices lead to blaming of others and excuses, where they can break rules and laws but face no blame themselves for their choices. Imagine what the world would be like if all choices became his/her/their/its fault and not our own choice ...
It is a very slippery slope, one in which we go from not blaming a teen who drank so much she eventually passed out for the (yes, horrible and wrong) sexual assault she experienced to not blaming the mother, high on drugs, who placed her infant in the washing machine and turned it on, for the murder of her child. When is it our fault we chose to drink too much, be high on drugs, have unprotected sex, etc? When is it okay to blame it on the alcohol, the drugs, the other person? Why does it have to be one or the other...why can't more than one individual share the blame when poor decisions lead to negative consequences? Where is the line of responsibility? What do you teach your children or want to teach your children regarding their responsibility for their behaviors and the resulting consequences? When is it blaming the victim and when is it acknowledging the part one plays in choosing their life paths?
When did it become okay to blame others for our choices and how do we teach our children differently?
Added note: CLEARLY our society and culture as a whole needs to change so rape, murder, etc. are not common occurances; however, should this change the need to teach our children how to stay safe in the world as it is? In other words, because we think rape is bad and individuals should know better than to take advantage of/rape young drunken girls does that change the fact that we should teach our young girls that this can occur should they choose to be drunken?
This trend is the "It's not my fault" trend...you know, the one where your own mistakes, dumb choices, and short fallings are all someone else's responsibility. You get off free and clear and someone else is the bad guy for whatever consequences occur. You get pregnant because you didn't use birth control? Don't worry, it's his fault because he didn't have a condom or he didn't pull out. You drank too much then tried to drive home and got a ticket. Don't worry, it's the cops fault because he's an asshole and your girlfriends fault because she had to be up early and made you drive. You managed to shut down the entire government because you can't agree? Don't worry, it's all the (choose one) Republicans/Democrats fault, those damn bastards are refusing to see reason.
I admit, I too, am guilty of this...it is so much easier to blame my super tight schedule for my not having vacuumed the house or completed the laundry, or my very high stress levels and roaring headache for yelling at the girls. And, yes, those are true explanations of why I acted the way I did...but, do they really qualify as excuses? Can I really blame my yelling on my headache and stress levels, my inability to keep up with housework on my insanely busy schedule...or do I have some amount of responsibility in these instances? Could I have stayed up an extra ten minutes to vacuum or taken a "Mommy Time-Out" instead of yelling? ABSOLUTELY! But, why do that when I have built in excuses and finger pointing for every mistake that paint me as the victim and leave me free and clear of any negative consequences? The difference is, I don't believe it, I know I could have acted differently...I know I chose to act the way I did...and I admit it to myself...and now, to all of you. I am a blamer because sometimes it is so much easier because then...I'm not the bad guy and it's not my fault, at all!
This is where this line of reasoning becomes problematic in today's world. The idea of blaming the victim. A fantastic example would be that of rape. The news today has blown up the story of a young girl who, when 14, alleged rape against a 17 year old star football player. The story, as I heard it, is that the girl had been "sipping Bicardi" at home with friends then snuck out to hang out with the young man. They drank more (some sources say she was forced to drink more) and they ended up in a bedroom, alone (with the exception of a young man who video recorded the scene). They had sex, she claims she was raped; he claims she was consenting.
Now, don't shoot my head off for this, but, as a parent, I would be upset not only with the boy, but also with my daughter. I know, I know, that's "blaming the victim" BUT a young girl should be responsible for her behaviors to some extent. They should know that alcohol consumption and breaking house rules may lead to negative consequences...sometimes awful ones. As a mother of three girls I want my girls to know that the decisions they make lead them down different paths and though we can't control others' behaviors we can ALWAYS control our own and that some of those paths we choose to follow are inherently more risky than others. I'm not saying the girl in the above story deserved to be raped, nor that it is her fault, but she did engage in risky behaviors which, by definition, leaves her open to more risks. I want to teach my girls what risky behaviors are and that they are RESPONSIBLE for choosing to engage in risky behaviors, and therefore, to some extent, responsible for the consequences of the risky behavior. I don't want them to grow up in a world where ALL of the consequences of their choices lead to blaming of others and excuses, where they can break rules and laws but face no blame themselves for their choices. Imagine what the world would be like if all choices became his/her/their/its fault and not our own choice ...
It is a very slippery slope, one in which we go from not blaming a teen who drank so much she eventually passed out for the (yes, horrible and wrong) sexual assault she experienced to not blaming the mother, high on drugs, who placed her infant in the washing machine and turned it on, for the murder of her child. When is it our fault we chose to drink too much, be high on drugs, have unprotected sex, etc? When is it okay to blame it on the alcohol, the drugs, the other person? Why does it have to be one or the other...why can't more than one individual share the blame when poor decisions lead to negative consequences? Where is the line of responsibility? What do you teach your children or want to teach your children regarding their responsibility for their behaviors and the resulting consequences? When is it blaming the victim and when is it acknowledging the part one plays in choosing their life paths?
When did it become okay to blame others for our choices and how do we teach our children differently?
Added note: CLEARLY our society and culture as a whole needs to change so rape, murder, etc. are not common occurances; however, should this change the need to teach our children how to stay safe in the world as it is? In other words, because we think rape is bad and individuals should know better than to take advantage of/rape young drunken girls does that change the fact that we should teach our young girls that this can occur should they choose to be drunken?
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Rose Colored Glasses, Ignorance, and Abuse of Infants
The truth is, I have spent the past week cataloguing lots of daily events to use on this blog, but after this past weekends news cycle, my mind is stuck in the horror that is infant rape. Two cases broke this weekend in areas surrounding my city in which individuals have been caught after taping themselves raping infants...that's right...babies, children under three years old. Little innocent beings that have no words, no ability to fight back, and who have done no wrong! I can't even begin to wrap my mind around these acts. I can't put into words the disgust, the disappointment in humanity, the hurt, the anger, the fear I feel. I want to just go back to ignorance, to the belief that it only happens in cases in which the parents are doped up, that my girls will never face this, that it doesn't happen "in my world". Granted, I am not the horrible excuse for a mother who offers up my 4 month old to 'spice up' my sex life, but, I do send them to a day care center...I do put them in other people's care without my presence in the school or the home.
I am having such a hard time putting this all into words...naming all the feelings churning around in my gut....getting past the shock and the shame for not realizing this was a common enough occurrence that I NEED to be ACTIVELY and LEGITIMATELY concerned about it with my own girls. It's crazy to me that not only do I need to teach them to not talk to strangers but also to be wary of people they should be allowed to trust. I don't want to raise girls terrified of everything and everyone, but I also don't want to raise girls who are naïve or may be more likely to be victimized...but, then again, in this case...these assaults are occurring before a child is even able to comprehend my words much less internalize anything I'm trying to teach them about personal safety, boundaries, and awareness.
Every time I want to just shrug it off and go back to my rose colored world of ignorance and bliss, I think about the infants who have experienced this, their pain, fear, the fact their entire world is one of pain. I can't imagine, just typing this past sentence made my stomach drop and my heart speed up...I can't put into words how horrible it must be to never know safety, love, a soft touch--or to equate brutality and pain with those. I can't even begin to imagine a person who is incapable of seeing an infant as a living, breathing being--capable of feelings (both physical and emotional). I don't understand how individual's who use and abuse their infants are able to post photos like those you would see hanging in my home and not see the hideousness in their actions. Finally, I can't even begin to fathom the heartache many children must carry today, those who had these actions occur, who aren't even able to remember or put words to it, but who always have something "off". I can't put it into words, so I beg you all to read the following sections of other articles and be aware of this as a means of attempting to protect your children, others children, and acknowledge that the world is a scary place despite our desire to be ignorant and blissful.
"Sexual assault of infants (babies under the age of 3) is different from pedophilia (sexual arousal/contact with pre-pubescent children over the age of 3). Experts working with sex crimes and psychopathology state that this form of infant rape seems to occur because the rapist does not see the baby before him as a boy or girl - a baby or toddler - or even as a human being. S/He is merely another 'opening' into which to get off on. It is the ultimate case of using and abusing another human being.
Sadly, an obvious question is often brought up in cases like this -- how could someone physically penetrate a baby? After all, this tiny newborn has very tiny everything. And, as horrifying as it is - that is exactly what appeals to those raping an infant. The tight, small space.
This form of sexual assault would obviously hurt a baby to extremes like none other. Babies scream - do all they can to get away (responses that are the same as those we see when babies are genitally cut apart via circumcision). This is why babies are often gagged first by the predator - duct tape over their mouths - something to hold them still, keep them quiet. This little baby likely suffered skull fractures as a result of being held down tightly by Davis while being sexually abused.
The rape of a human being of this small size causes catastrophic internal injuries to various organs, and many babies die. Those brought into emergency rooms after surviving this trauma are often found to have broken spines and collar bones from the weight of a man when he presses upon, or collapses onto, the baby at ejaculation. [Side note: 100% of those charged with infant rape in the United States are male]"
For those of you like me who wonder what you can do...Here are the best tips I could come up with:
1.) Know the warning signs that your infant may be sexually abused/assaulted--there are good lists on babycenter.com and livestrong.com
2.) Be mindful of who you allow in your home and around your children, where they are in your home, and what activities they are participating in.
3.) Drop in on day care centers/babysitters/caregivers at random and unexpected times throughout the day to "pick my child up early" or "drop off something I forgot" or "just because."
4.) Don't allow your rose colored glasses to cloud your Mommy Intuition!--or for that matter your child's "gut instincts" regarding individuals...LISTEN to yourself and your children!
5.) Talk to you children about what is and is not okay for other people to do to their bodies, teach them they can tell people "no" or "please don't touch me" if they don't want individuals touching them...i.e. they don't have to hug an Aunt they have only met twice--in other words, make it okay for your child to become the gatekeeper of their body. Others may argue with me on this, but we are already teaching our children if a stranger or someone besides their immediate caregivers touches them in a way they don't like or touches their "bottoms" they can bite, kick, scream, hit, etc. as much as they need to in order to get the person to leave them alone.
6.) Advocate for those small children without a voice in your neighborhood, city, country, and world--give a voice to their suffering and don't allow others to live in ignorance of it!
Please add to this list and pass this important information on. DO NOT allow yourself or others to live in ignorance of terrible crimes against innocence and humanity like these!
I am having such a hard time putting this all into words...naming all the feelings churning around in my gut....getting past the shock and the shame for not realizing this was a common enough occurrence that I NEED to be ACTIVELY and LEGITIMATELY concerned about it with my own girls. It's crazy to me that not only do I need to teach them to not talk to strangers but also to be wary of people they should be allowed to trust. I don't want to raise girls terrified of everything and everyone, but I also don't want to raise girls who are naïve or may be more likely to be victimized...but, then again, in this case...these assaults are occurring before a child is even able to comprehend my words much less internalize anything I'm trying to teach them about personal safety, boundaries, and awareness.
Every time I want to just shrug it off and go back to my rose colored world of ignorance and bliss, I think about the infants who have experienced this, their pain, fear, the fact their entire world is one of pain. I can't imagine, just typing this past sentence made my stomach drop and my heart speed up...I can't put into words how horrible it must be to never know safety, love, a soft touch--or to equate brutality and pain with those. I can't even begin to imagine a person who is incapable of seeing an infant as a living, breathing being--capable of feelings (both physical and emotional). I don't understand how individual's who use and abuse their infants are able to post photos like those you would see hanging in my home and not see the hideousness in their actions. Finally, I can't even begin to fathom the heartache many children must carry today, those who had these actions occur, who aren't even able to remember or put words to it, but who always have something "off". I can't put it into words, so I beg you all to read the following sections of other articles and be aware of this as a means of attempting to protect your children, others children, and acknowledge that the world is a scary place despite our desire to be ignorant and blissful.
"Sexual assault of infants (babies under the age of 3) is different from pedophilia (sexual arousal/contact with pre-pubescent children over the age of 3). Experts working with sex crimes and psychopathology state that this form of infant rape seems to occur because the rapist does not see the baby before him as a boy or girl - a baby or toddler - or even as a human being. S/He is merely another 'opening' into which to get off on. It is the ultimate case of using and abusing another human being.
Sadly, an obvious question is often brought up in cases like this -- how could someone physically penetrate a baby? After all, this tiny newborn has very tiny everything. And, as horrifying as it is - that is exactly what appeals to those raping an infant. The tight, small space.
This form of sexual assault would obviously hurt a baby to extremes like none other. Babies scream - do all they can to get away (responses that are the same as those we see when babies are genitally cut apart via circumcision). This is why babies are often gagged first by the predator - duct tape over their mouths - something to hold them still, keep them quiet. This little baby likely suffered skull fractures as a result of being held down tightly by Davis while being sexually abused.
The rape of a human being of this small size causes catastrophic internal injuries to various organs, and many babies die. Those brought into emergency rooms after surviving this trauma are often found to have broken spines and collar bones from the weight of a man when he presses upon, or collapses onto, the baby at ejaculation. [Side note: 100% of those charged with infant rape in the United States are male]"
For those of you like me who wonder what you can do...Here are the best tips I could come up with:
1.) Know the warning signs that your infant may be sexually abused/assaulted--there are good lists on babycenter.com and livestrong.com
2.) Be mindful of who you allow in your home and around your children, where they are in your home, and what activities they are participating in.
3.) Drop in on day care centers/babysitters/caregivers at random and unexpected times throughout the day to "pick my child up early" or "drop off something I forgot" or "just because."
4.) Don't allow your rose colored glasses to cloud your Mommy Intuition!--or for that matter your child's "gut instincts" regarding individuals...LISTEN to yourself and your children!
5.) Talk to you children about what is and is not okay for other people to do to their bodies, teach them they can tell people "no" or "please don't touch me" if they don't want individuals touching them...i.e. they don't have to hug an Aunt they have only met twice--in other words, make it okay for your child to become the gatekeeper of their body. Others may argue with me on this, but we are already teaching our children if a stranger or someone besides their immediate caregivers touches them in a way they don't like or touches their "bottoms" they can bite, kick, scream, hit, etc. as much as they need to in order to get the person to leave them alone.
6.) Advocate for those small children without a voice in your neighborhood, city, country, and world--give a voice to their suffering and don't allow others to live in ignorance of it!
Please add to this list and pass this important information on. DO NOT allow yourself or others to live in ignorance of terrible crimes against innocence and humanity like these!
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Inspiration
The picture below is of a poster that hangs at the top of the flight of stairs I take to get to my graduate assistantship office. I read it every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday morning and I am inspired. I feel that fire in my belly and that drive to not only succeed, but to enact change. It may sound dumb, but it really serves to keep me motivated--I'm hoping it can serve the same to some of you!
Though my thoughts when I see this are almost always about my future research or my contributions to my field, and both psychology and education in general, I found myself driving "off the edge of the map" this weekend in my mommy world as well...and, it felt fantastic!
This past weekend, we had a very small, very quick baptism for the baby because we have just been unable to set it up and decided it was best to just get it done with--no need for a large crowd. Perhaps it was because of the limited amount of fuss, or perhaps because I am just NOT a preplanner, I didn't bother to take out the girls clothes for the following day. I mean, the baptism wasn't until the next afternoon and they all had dresses in the closet, including the hand me down baptismal gown both my sister and I and my two older daughters wore. Or, so I thought. It was about 3:30, I had a whole hour to dress myself and my three freshly napped girls--man, I was in the green! I got the two oldest dressed, even allowing them a choice between two dresses each to limit melt downs. It was going so well, until I went into baby's closet to grab the baptismal gown and...it wasn't there...or in the girls' closet....or in my closet...or my husbands....or the laundry room....or the entry way closet...believe me, I checked each four times, while managing to stay surprisingly calm, because if I said anything my husband and his parents would likely freak out--especially if I acted concerned. I quickly scanned baby's closet for any white dresses, grabbing one with a black top and white dress and a white sweater...if all else failed, that would work...but it wasn't very baptismal looking. I then scanned the older girls' closet looking for white and found only a white dress that had been stained many colors by a painting party.
Then....inspiration hit....much like described in the quote above. I grabbed one of my shirts, off white with flower cutouts and embroidery across the neckline and tied it using the hanger strings so it stayed on her shoulders and clipped the back tighter with two bobby pins in the fold (so you couldn't see them) and Oila! a traditional baptismal dress that looked as if it had been handed down for generations. In fact the priest even commented on it and his assumption it had been passed down. ( I will post a photo of this when I get my hands on one!)
God knows I needed that kind of boost for when the two older girls decided a couple days later to color on the grout between about half of our kitchen tiles with crayon immediately after coloring each others faces (at least this was with magic marker). This quote helps to take the anger out of those minutes when I remind myself they are "catching fire" and "becoming
wolves"
...all of that is okay, as long as revolution isn't smoldering ;)
Forgot to pose my questions to each of you...What inspires you? Do you have a personal mantra? Do you tend to find yourself more inspired in one area of your life than others? Do you experience a bleeding over of inspiration, as I described above? What do you do with that inspiration--use it? Let it burn out?
Though my thoughts when I see this are almost always about my future research or my contributions to my field, and both psychology and education in general, I found myself driving "off the edge of the map" this weekend in my mommy world as well...and, it felt fantastic!
This past weekend, we had a very small, very quick baptism for the baby because we have just been unable to set it up and decided it was best to just get it done with--no need for a large crowd. Perhaps it was because of the limited amount of fuss, or perhaps because I am just NOT a preplanner, I didn't bother to take out the girls clothes for the following day. I mean, the baptism wasn't until the next afternoon and they all had dresses in the closet, including the hand me down baptismal gown both my sister and I and my two older daughters wore. Or, so I thought. It was about 3:30, I had a whole hour to dress myself and my three freshly napped girls--man, I was in the green! I got the two oldest dressed, even allowing them a choice between two dresses each to limit melt downs. It was going so well, until I went into baby's closet to grab the baptismal gown and...it wasn't there...or in the girls' closet....or in my closet...or my husbands....or the laundry room....or the entry way closet...believe me, I checked each four times, while managing to stay surprisingly calm, because if I said anything my husband and his parents would likely freak out--especially if I acted concerned. I quickly scanned baby's closet for any white dresses, grabbing one with a black top and white dress and a white sweater...if all else failed, that would work...but it wasn't very baptismal looking. I then scanned the older girls' closet looking for white and found only a white dress that had been stained many colors by a painting party.
Then....inspiration hit....much like described in the quote above. I grabbed one of my shirts, off white with flower cutouts and embroidery across the neckline and tied it using the hanger strings so it stayed on her shoulders and clipped the back tighter with two bobby pins in the fold (so you couldn't see them) and Oila! a traditional baptismal dress that looked as if it had been handed down for generations. In fact the priest even commented on it and his assumption it had been passed down. ( I will post a photo of this when I get my hands on one!)
God knows I needed that kind of boost for when the two older girls decided a couple days later to color on the grout between about half of our kitchen tiles with crayon immediately after coloring each others faces (at least this was with magic marker). This quote helps to take the anger out of those minutes when I remind myself they are "catching fire" and "becoming wolves"
...all of that is okay, as long as revolution isn't smoldering ;)
Forgot to pose my questions to each of you...What inspires you? Do you have a personal mantra? Do you tend to find yourself more inspired in one area of your life than others? Do you experience a bleeding over of inspiration, as I described above? What do you do with that inspiration--use it? Let it burn out?
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