A couple of days ago, I was walking back how from the playground, pulling all three girls behind me in the wagon. It was POURING down rain, we had a mile and a half walk, and none of them were crying--the baby was actually sleeping! and the two older girls were laughing and singing "if all the raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops" and catching rain on their tongues. It was incredible and I had a few moments where I felt like supermom...which was quickly erased when I arrived home, attempted to take a photo of their ridiculously rain soaked faces, and found my phone had conveniently popped out of the backpack on the back of the wagon and was now, likely, lying in a quickly growing puddle. So much for a blog post on how I was supermom, and how you could be too! Instead, this is a post on how to manage those ups and downs of mommyhood (and graduate studies) that can make your stomach turn quicker than a roller coaster and make you honestly question your sanity.
1.) Embrace and enjoy any moments you DO feel like supermom. Because, you are a supermom...every day you do something for your children that no one NO ONE else can. You put them before yourself, you give up small moments of privacy that everyone else takes for granted, you give your kids your last bite of something you actually enjoyed eating or make something you dislike because they love it, the list can go one and on. So when you are doing everything right and feeling like the day is golden (no screaming, they are all asleep at once, or you manage to walk a mile and a half in the pouring rain while keeping them smiling) hold on to that feeling and know that you are amazing!
2.) BUT (yes, there is a but), don't let those moments overshadow all the other moments of sacrifice and love you provide. Don't let the everyday moments become unimportant or "not good enough". Those moments are the ones that really matter to your children. Those sacrifices described above, the fact you cuddle with them every night before bed, or take the time to read them their favorite book for the fifth time...that matters more to them than getting through a grocery run without whining. The everyday moment...the just being there...those matter the most. They may not make you feel like a supermom but they make you a mom. And that is way more important than being a supermom!
3.) Always know that the peace doesn't last indeinitely. That quiet is the quiet before a storm. After every moment of supermommyhood and every quiet moment of the day, there will be an equally loud moment of baby screaming, toddlers fighting, kids whining, teens yelling, toys being banged loudly, "I hate you's", "Why's", and tattling. Remember that this too will pass and you will have further moments of supermommy grace and strength and more quiet moments of reading and cuddling. Know that when it comes to the roller coaster of mommyhood, there are ups and downs, but the roller coaster stays on it's path and eventually, yes 18-20 years later eventually, steadies and slows (and then you'll miss the ride!)
4.) Learn to just be, with your kids, with your schoolwork, with your husband, with your friends, with yourself. With technology this has become increasingly difficult. It's so easy to fit in an email for school or work while your kids are playing quietly (enough) in the next room. Or to run to the aid of a crying child when you are supposed to be working from home, I mean you can calm them down quicker than Dad or Grandma, right? Why take a few minutes to reflect on your blessings or to take a longer shower when you can squeeze in another chapter or complete another load of laundry. And, let's be honest, it's nearly impossible to ignore your cell phone buzzing as your squeezing in a quick monthly lunch with friends...it could be a really important Facebook update after all! STOP. Take a moment. Just be with who ever or whatever you are with at that time. Take 5 minutes to just play with your kids, take 10 minutes to rock the baby before putting her down (how much reading do you get done when she's screaming anyways.) Lock the bathroom door and take a long shower when someone else has the kids or while they are safely in their cribs playing or napping. Challenge yourself to just be focused on one thing at a time. Even consider, gasp, turning your cell phone off or limiting the amount of times you check your email or Facebook or open the internet browser. Challenge yourself to have a conversation with your husband or your friends in which you don't mention your children or your schoolwork AND you don't answer or even look at your phone, tablet, etc. Save specific study time for school in which you have no other duty or responsibility than to be a good student.
5.) Soak up the love. While you're just being. When you're a supermom. When you make everyday little sacrifices. When the kids are being pains in the a**es. Count your blessings. Soak up every I love you, bask in the glory that is an impromptu "I love you", nuzzle that sweet baby falling asleep on your shoulder. Take it in and use it to built strength, fortitude, determination. These little ones are why you are sacrificing. This love is what you are trying to protect so enjoy it. Just be in those moments and hold on to them. Find the love in the arguments, the fact they run to you, the fact they cry for you, the fact that they want you more than anyone in the world and when they say they don't it's because they don't want to need you as much as they do. Look into their faces, while they're awake, tell them you love them while looking in their eyes. You'll see the love, you'll feel it. And, if you aren't home that day, because of school, because of work; snuggle up with them, kiss their sleeping forehead, and soak in the trust, the love.
This is all a constant struggle for me. How do you all handle the ups and downs of mommyhood? What mantras do you use to keep yourself sane and your family running smoothly?
A mother of three girls and a boy (between the ages of 1 and 5) trying to navigate the competing worlds of relatively new mommyhood and a doctoral program simultaneously...her journey, lessons learned, and support to all types of motherhood struggling to find their ways and make the best life for their children....please read, comment, and discuss!
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Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Why a 20 hour Graduate Assistantship instead of a 10 hour one?
Hello All,
Here is the post on why the 20 hour assistantship was chosen for our family's needs:
I wrestled with this one for several weeks. I was offered both a ten hour tuition grant (in which a good portion of my tuition would be covered and I would owe ten hours per week to the program completing research) and a 20 hour graduate assistantship (which is located outside of my program, offers the same tuition coverage as the ten hour position, and provides a monthly stipend while I provide 20 hours a week of work.)
In our family's case, childcare is usually the determining factor. I want to be with our girls as much as I possibly can...that's one of the reasons I am in the doctoral program now instead of in five years. The money, also, is a large part of this decision. A family of five, living on one salary, and racking up student loan debt needs to take whatever it can get when it comes to additional financing!
As I said, the kids and the child care situation is the first thing I weighed when making this choice. We knew we would have to do some child care before the assistantship was even on the table due to daytime classes and we chose a day care center with attached preschool over an in home sitter due to the fact I wanted a more educational and structured setting for my oldest (who will likely rack up ADHD referrals from school). This particular center is one in which the preschool program actually allows families to enroll their children full days for a few days a week as opposed to half days all week long; however, it requires at lest two days attendance per week. Additionally, my mother and father in law graciously offered to cover childcare one day per week if needed. This means that regardless of whether I took the 10 or the 20 hour position, I would still be paying for two days of daycare per week (and on the flipside, the girls would only be in two days per week and with myself or family the others.)
So, money become the deciding factor. It is pretty much impossible to turn down a monthly stipend at this point. We've been married less then five years, have three children, just moved, and life is unpredictable. How could I turn down a little bit more financial security (especially if it covers at groceries and diapers for the month)?
And as soon as I asked myself that question, I was bombarded with several more: When will you study? What's more important, money or your GPA and actually completing this program? Is that little stipend really worth spending one less day with your three beautiful children? Will your husband understand your complete and total lack of free time to complete household chores and make real, not out of a box, dinners? Is it really worth it? Will you have time for research? Wouldn't it be a better move professionally to take the one with guaranteed research in your field?
I struggled with this ongoing battle...and, to be honest, still am struggling to quiet some of these doubts. After a final meeting with my soon to be boss it is increasingly likely that I will be able to do some research with my academic supervisor (who actually oversees the program for which I will be a GA...talk about luck!) Also, it appears there is usually a good bit of "down time" in which homework can be completed. As for my worries surrounding time with my kids and husband, and getting to all my household responsibilities...we are just going to have to discover yet another new normal.
I have pledged to spend the days not at work focused on my family and hope to stick to that pledge. It is my goal to spend no more than two hours a day working on school work while the girls are awake (and hope to keep that to emergency basis only--such as finals or when several things are due at once.)
Basically, I am going to have to break myself of the procrastination habit. Any tips or suggestions???
I'll let you know if anything I try works wonderfully or fails fantastically! ;)
And I'll keep you all updated as to how accurate my plan for juggling is compared to the fast approaching reality.
Here is the post on why the 20 hour assistantship was chosen for our family's needs:
I wrestled with this one for several weeks. I was offered both a ten hour tuition grant (in which a good portion of my tuition would be covered and I would owe ten hours per week to the program completing research) and a 20 hour graduate assistantship (which is located outside of my program, offers the same tuition coverage as the ten hour position, and provides a monthly stipend while I provide 20 hours a week of work.)
In our family's case, childcare is usually the determining factor. I want to be with our girls as much as I possibly can...that's one of the reasons I am in the doctoral program now instead of in five years. The money, also, is a large part of this decision. A family of five, living on one salary, and racking up student loan debt needs to take whatever it can get when it comes to additional financing!
As I said, the kids and the child care situation is the first thing I weighed when making this choice. We knew we would have to do some child care before the assistantship was even on the table due to daytime classes and we chose a day care center with attached preschool over an in home sitter due to the fact I wanted a more educational and structured setting for my oldest (who will likely rack up ADHD referrals from school). This particular center is one in which the preschool program actually allows families to enroll their children full days for a few days a week as opposed to half days all week long; however, it requires at lest two days attendance per week. Additionally, my mother and father in law graciously offered to cover childcare one day per week if needed. This means that regardless of whether I took the 10 or the 20 hour position, I would still be paying for two days of daycare per week (and on the flipside, the girls would only be in two days per week and with myself or family the others.)
So, money become the deciding factor. It is pretty much impossible to turn down a monthly stipend at this point. We've been married less then five years, have three children, just moved, and life is unpredictable. How could I turn down a little bit more financial security (especially if it covers at groceries and diapers for the month)?
And as soon as I asked myself that question, I was bombarded with several more: When will you study? What's more important, money or your GPA and actually completing this program? Is that little stipend really worth spending one less day with your three beautiful children? Will your husband understand your complete and total lack of free time to complete household chores and make real, not out of a box, dinners? Is it really worth it? Will you have time for research? Wouldn't it be a better move professionally to take the one with guaranteed research in your field?
I struggled with this ongoing battle...and, to be honest, still am struggling to quiet some of these doubts. After a final meeting with my soon to be boss it is increasingly likely that I will be able to do some research with my academic supervisor (who actually oversees the program for which I will be a GA...talk about luck!) Also, it appears there is usually a good bit of "down time" in which homework can be completed. As for my worries surrounding time with my kids and husband, and getting to all my household responsibilities...we are just going to have to discover yet another new normal.
I have pledged to spend the days not at work focused on my family and hope to stick to that pledge. It is my goal to spend no more than two hours a day working on school work while the girls are awake (and hope to keep that to emergency basis only--such as finals or when several things are due at once.)
Basically, I am going to have to break myself of the procrastination habit. Any tips or suggestions???
I'll let you know if anything I try works wonderfully or fails fantastically! ;)
And I'll keep you all updated as to how accurate my plan for juggling is compared to the fast approaching reality.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
And the First Official Semester Schedule Is....Ridiculously BUSY!
Hello! In the past week, I have accepted a 20 hour GA position and surrendered and finally bought a college parking pass (I managed to make it through my entire Undergraduate and Masters degrees--7 years total of school by parking on free streets, at broken meters, and in the occasional public parking garage when absolutely necessary). "This shit is getting real" as my former students would say.
I decided to start this blog due to the complete lack of information out there on navigating your way through a doctoral program when you have children...especially young children. And the fact that my writing could use a little work and it's always nice to have somewhere to put your thoughts...fears, regrets, revelations, accomplishments...you get the picture...in order to remove them from you head and be able to get to sleep a little bit quicker at night. And as a parent, any amount of extra sleep is a little piece of heaven--especially the five minutes I am blessed with after hitting the snooze button and before my oldest is able to fully wake up from the first alarm and stumble her way into my room, joyfully exclaiming "It's wake up time!" and manually prying open my eyes should I try to ignore her. I'm sure those of you who are parents know exactly what I'm talking about and those of you who are not are grateful at this moment for blissful, uninterrupted sleep...and, if you're not, you should be! ;)
So, I thought a good first step would be giving you all a glimpse of a typical 1st semester schedule, at least for my program, with a "full time" GA position (aka 20 hours of work). And how my family is choosing to manage child care, study time, Mommy time (haha what's that?!?), etc. I know not everyone has the same wonderful support system as I do, or that others need to work more than 20 hours, but this is just one insight.
My Fall 2013 Schedule
Monday -- Wake up at the crack of dawn with my children (hopefully will get later as we get out of summer!) Spend the day together, playing, walking, eating, cleaning and laundry...okay that will likely be just me. Try my damnedest to get them all...that's right, ALL 3, to nap at the same time. If that fails, let the oldest play quietly in my bedroom on the bed with puzzles, books, etc...yep, some might say bad parenting BUT can't pass up this opportune time to study! Wake up and repeat the morning, find time to attempt to pull together a real dinner, eat, clean, bedtime prep, bedtime x 3, and feel guilty as I relax with my husband for an hour or so, instead of study or scrub the toilets, and fall, exhausted into bed.
Tuesday -- Get the girls up earlier than the crack of dawn, dress them, feed them a little snack while I try to sneak in at least a third of a cup of coffee, take them to daycare/preschool, and get to my school by 7 a.m. so that I can fit in an hour of homework/studying/research/sanity increasing facebook time/etc. Start graduate assistant hours at 8 and work till 1pm at which point I will rush quickly to my 1-4 pm class followed by some sort of quick scarfing of a meal (and likely last minute assignment completion) before the start of my 5-8 pm class. Head home...and, sadly, if needed spend a couple hours in my local Starbucks completing my daily caffeine quota and finishing up any homework or papers due the following day...of that night by midnight (I can be quite the procrastinator.) Get home, check in on the girls who were picked up by either my husband or my in-laws, fed dinner, and put to bed, cuddle up with them when they inevitably wake up and...
Wednesday -- REPEAT Tuesday morning, but work till 5 pm followed by another 5-8 pm class. Also, I am going to work early so I can bank time for possible meetings that will be scheduled from 11-1 on Wednesdays for my program, research team, graduate studies, etc...
Thursday -- Wake up at the crack of dawn with the girls, try to pull something fun out of my big bag of Mommy tricks (a.k.a. Pinterest) or do a fun outing (Library, Zoo, etc.) so that I can force myself to keep my attention focused on them and not my school work. IFF I'm a really good wife that day, I may even try to throw some sort of crockpot something together for dinner that night. Meet my husband or in laws around 4 pm so I can fight rush hour traffic to arrive to my final class, out of breath, and likely a few minutes late. Come home and try to have some sort of conversation with my husband that lasts longer than 5 minutes and is in the form of spoken language and not text.
Friday -- Wake up around 5, kiss my girls goodbye as they will spend Fridays with their dad and/or grandparents, chug some coffee, make it to the gym for at least a once a week workout...or a quick nap in the sauna..., and to work from 8-5.
WEEKENDS -- It is my goal to protect my weekends as best I can for family time. I intend to do as little school work and as much coloring, hiking, singing, small board book reading, and swinging as possible on the weekends.
I will also try to fit in as many work outs as possible throughout the week, as they are pretty much my only "me time" and it's always capped by a child free shower--which is heaven! Additionally, our gym provides two hours of child care per day, so it is the perfect place to go for last minute homework assignments to be completed when the girls refuse to nap or I just am cutting it too close. As long as I make it to the gym with the girls twice a week it is more cost effective to use the gym than a babysitter...and we try to go on the weekends as a family to swim or climb.
Well, there you have it, the schedule as I believe it will be. We will see what it actually looks like come the last week of August when the fall semester begins. I will keep you guys updated on the reality of this schedule and the obvious and hidden difficulties and blessings of having three under three (well, three three and under) while pursuing a PhD.
Click in next week to see why I chose to accept the 20 hour Graduate Assistantship instead of the less time intensive 10 hour Tuition Grant.
Feel free to post any questions or comments, but please refrain from posting snap judgments to myself or others who have posted. Thank you!
I decided to start this blog due to the complete lack of information out there on navigating your way through a doctoral program when you have children...especially young children. And the fact that my writing could use a little work and it's always nice to have somewhere to put your thoughts...fears, regrets, revelations, accomplishments...you get the picture...in order to remove them from you head and be able to get to sleep a little bit quicker at night. And as a parent, any amount of extra sleep is a little piece of heaven--especially the five minutes I am blessed with after hitting the snooze button and before my oldest is able to fully wake up from the first alarm and stumble her way into my room, joyfully exclaiming "It's wake up time!" and manually prying open my eyes should I try to ignore her. I'm sure those of you who are parents know exactly what I'm talking about and those of you who are not are grateful at this moment for blissful, uninterrupted sleep...and, if you're not, you should be! ;)
So, I thought a good first step would be giving you all a glimpse of a typical 1st semester schedule, at least for my program, with a "full time" GA position (aka 20 hours of work). And how my family is choosing to manage child care, study time, Mommy time (haha what's that?!?), etc. I know not everyone has the same wonderful support system as I do, or that others need to work more than 20 hours, but this is just one insight.
My Fall 2013 Schedule
Monday -- Wake up at the crack of dawn with my children (hopefully will get later as we get out of summer!) Spend the day together, playing, walking, eating, cleaning and laundry...okay that will likely be just me. Try my damnedest to get them all...that's right, ALL 3, to nap at the same time. If that fails, let the oldest play quietly in my bedroom on the bed with puzzles, books, etc...yep, some might say bad parenting BUT can't pass up this opportune time to study! Wake up and repeat the morning, find time to attempt to pull together a real dinner, eat, clean, bedtime prep, bedtime x 3, and feel guilty as I relax with my husband for an hour or so, instead of study or scrub the toilets, and fall, exhausted into bed.
Tuesday -- Get the girls up earlier than the crack of dawn, dress them, feed them a little snack while I try to sneak in at least a third of a cup of coffee, take them to daycare/preschool, and get to my school by 7 a.m. so that I can fit in an hour of homework/studying/research/sanity increasing facebook time/etc. Start graduate assistant hours at 8 and work till 1pm at which point I will rush quickly to my 1-4 pm class followed by some sort of quick scarfing of a meal (and likely last minute assignment completion) before the start of my 5-8 pm class. Head home...and, sadly, if needed spend a couple hours in my local Starbucks completing my daily caffeine quota and finishing up any homework or papers due the following day...of that night by midnight (I can be quite the procrastinator.) Get home, check in on the girls who were picked up by either my husband or my in-laws, fed dinner, and put to bed, cuddle up with them when they inevitably wake up and...
Wednesday -- REPEAT Tuesday morning, but work till 5 pm followed by another 5-8 pm class. Also, I am going to work early so I can bank time for possible meetings that will be scheduled from 11-1 on Wednesdays for my program, research team, graduate studies, etc...
Thursday -- Wake up at the crack of dawn with the girls, try to pull something fun out of my big bag of Mommy tricks (a.k.a. Pinterest) or do a fun outing (Library, Zoo, etc.) so that I can force myself to keep my attention focused on them and not my school work. IFF I'm a really good wife that day, I may even try to throw some sort of crockpot something together for dinner that night. Meet my husband or in laws around 4 pm so I can fight rush hour traffic to arrive to my final class, out of breath, and likely a few minutes late. Come home and try to have some sort of conversation with my husband that lasts longer than 5 minutes and is in the form of spoken language and not text.
Friday -- Wake up around 5, kiss my girls goodbye as they will spend Fridays with their dad and/or grandparents, chug some coffee, make it to the gym for at least a once a week workout...or a quick nap in the sauna..., and to work from 8-5.
WEEKENDS -- It is my goal to protect my weekends as best I can for family time. I intend to do as little school work and as much coloring, hiking, singing, small board book reading, and swinging as possible on the weekends.
I will also try to fit in as many work outs as possible throughout the week, as they are pretty much my only "me time" and it's always capped by a child free shower--which is heaven! Additionally, our gym provides two hours of child care per day, so it is the perfect place to go for last minute homework assignments to be completed when the girls refuse to nap or I just am cutting it too close. As long as I make it to the gym with the girls twice a week it is more cost effective to use the gym than a babysitter...and we try to go on the weekends as a family to swim or climb.
Well, there you have it, the schedule as I believe it will be. We will see what it actually looks like come the last week of August when the fall semester begins. I will keep you guys updated on the reality of this schedule and the obvious and hidden difficulties and blessings of having three under three (well, three three and under) while pursuing a PhD.
Click in next week to see why I chose to accept the 20 hour Graduate Assistantship instead of the less time intensive 10 hour Tuition Grant.
Feel free to post any questions or comments, but please refrain from posting snap judgments to myself or others who have posted. Thank you!
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