In the last post, I wrote about my difficulties in balancing my self as a mother and my self as a student. The struggle I was experiencing in balancing, in fully living two different roles in my life, made me think of the literature surrounding identity development, particularly for minorities. As one moves through identity development, they tend to hold on more strongly to one identity or way of being (such as an African American moving from holding on to the cultural norms of the majority and trying to pass, then, after experiencing microagressions or other negative race related experiences from the cultural majority they often fully embrace the minority identity and reject the majority.) With additional self-reflection, awareness, and an environment that allows for this type of personal exploration and growth, the final stage of identity development is often some type of integration. This is the individual's ability to live in the margin of their intersecting identities. An African American is both of African descent (Black) and an American. This means they experience both what it is to be Black and what it is to be expected to live within the norms of the majority (American culture).
While attempting to balance, I realize now that I was attempting to fully embrace one identity as a time, that of student or that of mother. I tried so hard to keep the two separate. Bringing them together felt vulnerable and weak. I should have been able to seamlessly move amongst and between the two identities without either bleeding into the other but I couldn't. No one could, at least not forever--even someone who has only known these two identities as existing together. I, personally, have been doing this since the birth of my first child AND my first year of graduate school, entering into my 7th year!) Then, I was faced with a reality in which I could not choose one identity over the other. I finally had that moment where they had to exist together. That moment when I couldn't fulfill the role of student because of my role as parent. I could not turn in an important assignment because sick kids (and a power outage of all things) made it impossible. I had to accept the role my self as parent played in this late assignment when letting my professor know my assignment would be late. AND....
IT WASN'T THE END OF THE WORLD. It was OK for me to be a parent AND a student. My faculty understood. They didn't see me as weak or trying to make excuses. They saw me for what I was--trying my best to be a good mom and a good student. After this experience, I talked with my husband about this experience and I realized maybe my self as student and my self as parent have influenced one another in more positive ways than I had initially considered.
I would not be the child therapist I am without having my own experiences as a mother--rapport building is easier and I come with a great box of fun games and toys and a working knowledge of most cartoons.
I understand and can empathize with parents much more efficiently than I did prior to being a parent. I get what it's like to be so frustrated with your children you want to shake them, to be at the end of your rope, to feel hopeless and helpless, afraid, and alone. And, the parents can tell that I know this.
I am so much more forgiving of my children, my clients, and their parents.
I have a great grasp of lifespan development, wonderful behavior management techniques, and access to databases and resources if ever my children need additional supports.
I am a student parent at all times, in all ways. The moment I started accepting that and integrating the roles I felt such a sense of relief. It is okay for me to be both. I don't have to give one up to lean into the other (as I would were I balancing) but, instead, I am able to lean into one, while pulling the other with me. When I'm really focused on myself as student, my role as mother is still there, informing my knowledge, awareness, and skills building and utilization. When I'm home with my kids and focused on them, my role as a student is still there informing my decisions in how I choose to interact with my children and how I reflect on my choices and plan for the future of our family. I feel stronger. I feel more effective. And I feel like I can begin to forgive myself for not always being the best in one identity or the other, as long as I am being the best student parent I can.
That being said, I think it is important to also share this:
6 full years of trying to navigate competing identities and I already feel as if I have barely escaped full mental breakdowns multiple times. I can not imagine balancing marginalized identities for my entire life. I recognize in this blog both my ignorance and my privilege as I work through and discuss my struggles in reconciling two very privileged identities (doctoral student and mother) and the realities of those who are attempting to integrate minority and less privileged identities within the context of mainstream culture.
What experiences do you have in integrating roles/selves? How have you managed to find a way to be more than one "self" at the same time? Was it a more authentic feeling or a struggle?