Shouldn't keep silent...so, WAKE UP!

In the light of the continued violence, and the coincidental (or is it?) fact that while given time to work on dissertation proposal stuff today, I can't get into my school's library website (you know, where I have all of my articles saved), I feel the need (and have an extended amount of time) to discuss the police violence.

It is a problem.  It has always been a problem and likely always will be without systemic change.  Power corrupts.  Regardless of who you are, how you are.  There is a lure in the power over other living things.  This is clear when my kids pull legs off of a bug "just to see what happens" or when I feel a sense of relief and mightiness when I finally shove our dog into his cage after 10 minutes of tussling.  I am not saying this is morally right or okay, but it is.  It is fact.  It is human nature.  And, it is nasty, troublesome, and worrisome.  And, it is costing lives and the stability of our most precarious communities.

It is also innate and, often, unnoticed by those who succumb to it.  Almost like the slippery slope we often discuss in ethical dilemmas--power is a slippery slope.  It can be used for so much good, but one misstep, one power/fear based response leads to the ease in making more of these responses.  This is true no matter what other factors are present.  It was true in the Stanford prison trials, it is true in wars, it is true in the dynamics between parents and children, correctional facilities, schools....the list goes on.  It is true in any power dynamic where one individual is implicitly more in power and in control.

Then we add culture and things get even messier!  Add a culture of "us" vs. "them" and that power differential becomes even clearer.  Add years of media in which cops are depicted as dirty, out to get the little guy, and untrustworthy assholes AND in which Blacks, particularly Black males are depicted as gang-bangers, thugs, noncompliant, shit starters that are loud and blatantly ignorant and unreasonable AND in which young men (White or Black--though the black ones are often also depicted as described above) are depicted as mouthy, disrespectful, drug abusers.  And the fact that this media is not incorrect in some, maybe even many cases, and that each culture (the police departments and the Black communities) are teaching their new recruits/their children to be aware of these unfortunate realities that may exist in interactions with another.

And we have this absolute mess.  We have police, who should be level-headed and calm, approaching cars containing Black men already making judgment calls about the kind of person they are pulling over.  There may be fear, there may be hatred, there may just be a well honed sense of othering as a "fact" of life, which if we are being honest may be the worst possible scenario--this imbedded othering that is not even slightly conscious.  We have Black men and women, and young men of all races, who see the police and are scared and/or angry.  Who immediately know they were pulled for demographic reasons.  Who have to attempt to assuage the officers by being overly polite.  Who can't be "too nice" because that is suspicious and who have to be aware of every single word, movement, and expression they make because anything can be taken as a sign of resistance, of refusal to give in to the inherent power of the police.

Are all police this?  Probably not.  Do all Black men/young men experience this?  Probably not.  Does it occur?  YES.  More than we know.  Social media has opened our collective eyes to this, but it is nothing new.  It's just more visible now.  And for those of you who say it happens to everyone--you're right it does.  However, there is no doubt it happens to Blacks in disproportionate numbers.  They are pulled over and involved in altercations with police at nearly twice the percentage of that which they represent in the population.

So, what do we do?  Before the nation erupts into an all out race war.  Because though race is a driving force in this issue, it is not the only one.  The racial differences provide fuel to the fire.  The othering provides all the opportunity to turn this into an "us" vs "them" issue...but it's deeper than that.  It is an abuse of power.  It is cultural responses to years of systemic abuses.  It has started with Black men, but it won't stop there...it never does.

We need to stop.  We need to reevaluate.  We need to examine the values, culture, and roles of the men and women in charge.  They are the ones with the power.  They are the ones who need to show change....they need to earn the respect of the citizens whom they protect--not through violence and power.  That doesn't work--at least not long term, as the shootings in Dallas suggest.  Fear based power is not viable for the long-term.  Go back to the basics.  Treat people with respect.  If you pull over someone and they are being an asshole, no need to be one back.  No need to climb on a public transportation bus to reprimand a teenager who smiled at you!  This is not how you gain the respect of the people you serve.  This is how you ensure another generation of cop haters and cop killers.  This suggestion won't make much of a difference right now, but it can make such a difference for the next generation.  Training programs for incoming cops, regular re-evaluations, scenario based practices, self-care and diversity programming, daily interactions with the community that are not power-based, town halls, empowerment of the community.  They all can make a difference.  This doesn't mean the communities have the right to be disrespectful or hateful, it doesn't mean cop-killing is justified.  It means things need to change, and those with the power need to do the changing first, because if they don't, the change initiated by the ones without the power are often, historically, violent and shattering.

What are your thoughts, reader?  How do you discuss this with/around your children, if you have any?  Do you teach your children to fear the police?  Do you teach them to fear you?  

Integrating Over Balancing

In the last post, I wrote about my difficulties in balancing my self as a mother and my self as a student.  The struggle I was experiencing in balancing, in fully living two different roles in my life, made me think of the literature surrounding identity development, particularly for minorities.  As one moves through identity development, they tend to hold on more strongly to one identity or way of being (such as an African American moving from holding on to the cultural norms of the majority and trying to pass, then, after experiencing microagressions or other negative race related experiences from the cultural majority they often fully embrace the minority identity and reject the majority.)  With additional self-reflection, awareness, and an environment that allows for this type of personal exploration and growth, the final stage of identity development is often some type of integration.  This is the individual's ability to live in the margin of their intersecting identities.   An African American is both of African descent (Black) and an American.  This means they experience both what it is to be Black and what it is to be expected to live within the norms of the majority (American culture).

While attempting to balance, I realize now that I was attempting to fully embrace one identity as a time, that of student or that of mother.  I tried so hard to keep the two separate.  Bringing them together felt vulnerable and weak.  I should have been able to seamlessly move amongst and between the two identities without either bleeding into the other but I couldn't.  No one could, at least not forever--even someone who has only known these two identities as existing together.   I, personally, have been doing this since the birth of my first child AND my first year of graduate school, entering into my 7th year!) Then, I was faced with a reality in which I could not choose one identity over the other.  I finally had that moment where they had to exist together.  That moment when I couldn't fulfill the role of student because of my role as parent.  I could not turn in an important assignment because sick kids (and a power outage of all things) made it impossible.  I had to accept the role my self as parent played in this late assignment when letting my professor know my assignment would be late.  AND....

IT WASN'T THE END OF THE WORLD.  It was OK for me to be a parent AND a student.  My faculty understood.  They didn't see me as weak or trying to make excuses.  They saw me for what I was--trying my best to be a good mom and a good student.  After this experience, I talked with my husband about this experience and I realized maybe my self as student and my self as parent have influenced one another in more positive ways than I had initially considered.

I would not be the child therapist I am without having my own experiences as a mother--rapport building is easier and I come with a great box of fun games and toys and a working knowledge of most cartoons.

I understand and can empathize with parents much more efficiently than I did prior to being a parent.  I get what it's like to be so frustrated with your children you want to shake them, to be at the end of your rope, to feel hopeless and helpless, afraid, and alone.  And, the parents can tell that I know this.

I am so much more forgiving of my children, my clients, and their parents.

I have a great grasp of lifespan development, wonderful behavior management techniques, and access to databases and resources if ever my children need additional supports.

I am a student parent at all times, in all ways.  The moment I started accepting that and integrating the roles I felt such a sense of relief.  It is okay for me to be both.  I don't have to give one up to lean into the other (as I would were I balancing) but, instead, I am able to lean into one, while pulling the other with me.  When I'm really focused on myself as student, my role as mother is still there, informing my knowledge, awareness, and skills building and utilization.  When I'm home with my kids and focused on them, my role as a student is still there informing my decisions in how I choose to interact with my children and how I reflect on my choices and plan for the future of our family.  I feel stronger.  I feel more effective.  And I feel like I can begin to forgive myself for not always being the best in one identity or the other, as long as I am being the best student parent I can.

That being said, I think it is important to also share this:

6 full years of trying to navigate competing identities and I already feel as if I have  barely escaped full mental breakdowns multiple times.  I can not imagine balancing marginalized identities for my entire life.  I recognize in this blog both my ignorance and my privilege as I work through and discuss my struggles in reconciling two very privileged identities (doctoral student and mother) and the realities of those who are attempting to integrate minority and less privileged identities within the context of mainstream culture. 

What experiences do you have in integrating roles/selves?  How have you managed to find a way to be more than one "self" at the same time?  Was it a more authentic feeling or a struggle? 

Balancing Act Is Not Quite the Leaning In I Had Hoped For

I know you've probably heard the saying that insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result.  This definition of insanity fully describes the continued attempts I've made to balance my many different roles in life over the past few years.  They are not often complementary and more often than not, compete with one another for my time, my attention, and my passion.  It is hard to feel complete in any role while you are also wearing other roles.  It's difficult to simultaneously serve as a devoted mother and a conscientious daughter, a determined student and a committed employee.  I'm sure many of you, if not all of you, have experienced similar role strain in your lives.  This is the concept from which the idea of balance in one's life arose.

Balance.  The ability to hold many different identities, ways of being, and responsibilities at the same time.  Some of us are naturally better at this than others.  Some of us have learned ways to cope with varying roles.  The problem arises when we are unwilling or unable to let one role drop in order to hold onto others.  This is my struggle.  This is parenting through a PhD.

I have come to the realization that balancing is not working for me.  I can't be the parent, the student, or the wife I want to be when I'm visualizing leaning into one role while simultaneously leaning out of others.  This type of life view and way of interacting with my varied roles has led to increased resentment and depression as I see missed opportunities and lost chances to connect.

Balance, for me, appears to be an illusion of greatness.  The idea that I can somehow be the best in each role by managing my time and energy well enough.  While that may be the case in most situations, missed deadlines, lonely children, and lacking peer relations in my life tell a different story.  Balance does not allow for leaning in to all roles--it prevents it--particularly when life throws curveballs.

What are your experiences?  Have you found a way to balance or is something still missing?  How have you found a way to manage all your different roles and responsibilities?

Catch Up

So...Good News!  I finished my first draft of my first chapter.  It's probably close to one of the crappiest pieces of academic work I have ever turned it...but, it's a start AND a start is better than nothing.  Plus that start took me 22 hours to complete--22 hours to write 15 pages...yep, less than one poorly written, crappily composed page per hour.  BUT, it is a full draft of the first chapter of my dissertation, and that is huge.  Some people never even get that far and they spend far more than 22 hours one it.  So, all in all, good news!

Also, another professor has agreed to adopt me for dissertation.  He stated it was because I won't "make him dig trenches".  I sure hope not, because that will mean this process is even more stressful than I am planning for.

Also, I am winding down my hours in psychological assessment, which is perfect considering the level of burnout I'm experiencing from report writing and vicarious trauma experiences. 

Let's hope I can continue to just barely make it for another year and through internship and I will have made it.  It feels weird to think I'm on the other side of halfway at this point.  I'm past half, getting closer to done and I'm not sure to dread it or welcome it.

I'm a Dissertation Orphan...and don't really care

So...for those of you who don't know--I am officially a doctoral candidate.  This means I have passed all my comprehensive exams of knowledge and have been deemed able to move forward to the dissertation process.

Exciting and terrifying at the same time.  This process is big.  Really big in my case, because as usual, I'm being an over achiever and hoping to complete a mixed methods project (crunching both number data and interview data).  One would hope to have support in navigating this process--the first big girl research adventure--but it hasn't really worked out that way.

My advisor and chair of my dissertation (the one who has supposed to help navigate) has received a job offer too good to give up and will be leaving this summer.

I should be upset and worried, I should be throwing a fit.  But, I can't seem to get myself that worked up about it.  Perhaps it's because I am not as far along in the proposal process (the first draft of my study in which I complete the review of prior studies and get down to the nuts and bolts of my study) or maybe it's that my program has lacked in support throughout so it's not that suprising.   I think the biggest part though is I don't have the energy to be concerned about it.  In fact, I've known for weeks now and I have yet to reach out to other professors to obtain a new dissertation chair.  I've been to caught up in the day to day, in the countless psychological assessment reports I'm required to write (each one takes 12-15 hours to complete), the classes I have to keep up, the four kids at home that I just can't even begin to think about my dissertation as a whole, much less care who's supposed to be supporting me with it.

My plan for this?  My last ditch effort to finish my doctoral program on time (bc if my proposal is not successfully defended in early Fall 2016, I will be unable to apply for the following years internship) is to ask my husband for a weekend at the end of April to write.  My goal is to have chapter one (of three) complete by the end of that weekend.  Is it possible?  yes.  Likely?  not really.   And as for no longer being an orphan?  Per the rules of the school, I need somebody.  So, I will set up meetings and try to beg someone to care...hopefully more than I do at this moment.

out from under my "no tough feelings" rock.

It has been nearly a year since I last wrote in this blog.

I would be stretching the truth if I said I haven't had time.  Time has been tight...really tight, actually, but not so tight that I could't take half an hour to write.

The truth is, I haven't wanted to.

I really, really wanted to keep up and keep you all up to date on everything.  To be encouraging and witty and grateful for every challenge I have faced and overcome.

But, I did not want to process those challenges and pull out that wittiness or gratefulness.  It felt like so. much. work!   I have been bottling and numbing tough emotions my entire life, shying from actually facing and processing difficult experiences.  The hecticness of this past year tied with the loss of my brother nearly two years ago has just compounded the desire to hide under a rock and let things pass me by.

I don't have a happy ending to this.  In fact, this short blog post is my way of sticking my head, just incrementally, out from under my "no tough feelings" rock.

So, hello world.  Hello readers.  If you found this you probably already know life raising kids, going to school, or both is awfully tough.  And scary.  All-encompassing and draining.  And, sometimes you just want to hide.  To quit for awhile.  To allow ignorant bliss to take over your worry and your knowledge of what's waiting for you in the following semester or when you open to door to a room n which your children have been playing quietly (together) for far too long.  What you may not know is that eventually....ever so slowly....you will be willing to venture back into it all.  To face the challenges head on without the fear and the hope for ignorance (well at least not as often.)  You will be willing to come out from under your rock...it may take hours or days...or, like me, a year or more.  And you may actually be stronger for it.  You may find you needed that time for self preservation and protection and that you can take more now than you thought possible before.  Hello again friends and I hope to see you again, the next time we both have the courage and strength to come out from under our "no tough feelings" rocks!