So...for those of you who don't know--I am officially a doctoral candidate. This means I have passed all my comprehensive exams of knowledge and have been deemed able to move forward to the dissertation process.
Exciting and terrifying at the same time. This process is big. Really big in my case, because as usual, I'm being an over achiever and hoping to complete a mixed methods project (crunching both number data and interview data). One would hope to have support in navigating this process--the first big girl research adventure--but it hasn't really worked out that way.
My advisor and chair of my dissertation (the one who has supposed to help navigate) has received a job offer too good to give up and will be leaving this summer.
I should be upset and worried, I should be throwing a fit. But, I can't seem to get myself that worked up about it. Perhaps it's because I am not as far along in the proposal process (the first draft of my study in which I complete the review of prior studies and get down to the nuts and bolts of my study) or maybe it's that my program has lacked in support throughout so it's not that suprising. I think the biggest part though is I don't have the energy to be concerned about it. In fact, I've known for weeks now and I have yet to reach out to other professors to obtain a new dissertation chair. I've been to caught up in the day to day, in the countless psychological assessment reports I'm required to write (each one takes 12-15 hours to complete), the classes I have to keep up, the four kids at home that I just can't even begin to think about my dissertation as a whole, much less care who's supposed to be supporting me with it.
My plan for this? My last ditch effort to finish my doctoral program on time (bc if my proposal is not successfully defended in early Fall 2016, I will be unable to apply for the following years internship) is to ask my husband for a weekend at the end of April to write. My goal is to have chapter one (of three) complete by the end of that weekend. Is it possible? yes. Likely? not really. And as for no longer being an orphan? Per the rules of the school, I need somebody. So, I will set up meetings and try to beg someone to care...hopefully more than I do at this moment.
Friday, April 8, 2016
Monday, March 14, 2016
out from under my "no tough feelings" rock.
It has been nearly a year since I last wrote in this blog.
I would be stretching the truth if I said I haven't had time. Time has been tight...really tight, actually, but not so tight that I could't take half an hour to write.
The truth is, I haven't wanted to.
I really, really wanted to keep up and keep you all up to date on everything. To be encouraging and witty and grateful for every challenge I have faced and overcome.
But, I did not want to process those challenges and pull out that wittiness or gratefulness. It felt like so. much. work! I have been bottling and numbing tough emotions my entire life, shying from actually facing and processing difficult experiences. The hecticness of this past year tied with the loss of my brother nearly two years ago has just compounded the desire to hide under a rock and let things pass me by.
I don't have a happy ending to this. In fact, this short blog post is my way of sticking my head, just incrementally, out from under my "no tough feelings" rock.
So, hello world. Hello readers. If you found this you probably already know life raising kids, going to school, or both is awfully tough. And scary. All-encompassing and draining. And, sometimes you just want to hide. To quit for awhile. To allow ignorant bliss to take over your worry and your knowledge of what's waiting for you in the following semester or when you open to door to a room n which your children have been playing quietly (together) for far too long. What you may not know is that eventually....ever so slowly....you will be willing to venture back into it all. To face the challenges head on without the fear and the hope for ignorance (well at least not as often.) You will be willing to come out from under your rock...it may take hours or days...or, like me, a year or more. And you may actually be stronger for it. You may find you needed that time for self preservation and protection and that you can take more now than you thought possible before. Hello again friends and I hope to see you again, the next time we both have the courage and strength to come out from under our "no tough feelings" rocks!
I would be stretching the truth if I said I haven't had time. Time has been tight...really tight, actually, but not so tight that I could't take half an hour to write.
The truth is, I haven't wanted to.
I really, really wanted to keep up and keep you all up to date on everything. To be encouraging and witty and grateful for every challenge I have faced and overcome.
But, I did not want to process those challenges and pull out that wittiness or gratefulness. It felt like so. much. work! I have been bottling and numbing tough emotions my entire life, shying from actually facing and processing difficult experiences. The hecticness of this past year tied with the loss of my brother nearly two years ago has just compounded the desire to hide under a rock and let things pass me by.
I don't have a happy ending to this. In fact, this short blog post is my way of sticking my head, just incrementally, out from under my "no tough feelings" rock.
So, hello world. Hello readers. If you found this you probably already know life raising kids, going to school, or both is awfully tough. And scary. All-encompassing and draining. And, sometimes you just want to hide. To quit for awhile. To allow ignorant bliss to take over your worry and your knowledge of what's waiting for you in the following semester or when you open to door to a room n which your children have been playing quietly (together) for far too long. What you may not know is that eventually....ever so slowly....you will be willing to venture back into it all. To face the challenges head on without the fear and the hope for ignorance (well at least not as often.) You will be willing to come out from under your rock...it may take hours or days...or, like me, a year or more. And you may actually be stronger for it. You may find you needed that time for self preservation and protection and that you can take more now than you thought possible before. Hello again friends and I hope to see you again, the next time we both have the courage and strength to come out from under our "no tough feelings" rocks!
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Toughest counseling session to date!
I don't often discuss the actual counseling side of my experiences in graduate school, mostly due to the privacy and ethical considerations. However, I am having a really tough time letting my most recent session go.
For those of you who don't know, I am completing a counseling psychology practicum in which I provide psychotherapy to children and their families. I work with children as young as 3 and as old as 18. One young client (6 years old) began to see me towards the start of the practicum placement (around late September, early August) and continued to see me every other week until this week, our last session together. You see, as a student, I have a finite amount of time I am allowed to stay at a site before moving on to the next level of training.
This is actually okay with me--I like knowing I will get a wide range of experiences and training. I actually even felt okay with terminating services with everyone and completing our good bye sessions over last week and this week. But this client, man did he change my mind about that. He entered the room with his mom and immediately asked if he would ever see me again. When gently told no, he began to cry and continued to cry through most of the session.
While talking with his mom about his progress and what she perceived as most helpful, the client wrote me this note:
He asked me for my phone number, asked for a hug several times, and did not want to talk about what we had done so far in therapy "because your making me cry."
For those of you who don't know, I am completing a counseling psychology practicum in which I provide psychotherapy to children and their families. I work with children as young as 3 and as old as 18. One young client (6 years old) began to see me towards the start of the practicum placement (around late September, early August) and continued to see me every other week until this week, our last session together. You see, as a student, I have a finite amount of time I am allowed to stay at a site before moving on to the next level of training.
This is actually okay with me--I like knowing I will get a wide range of experiences and training. I actually even felt okay with terminating services with everyone and completing our good bye sessions over last week and this week. But this client, man did he change my mind about that. He entered the room with his mom and immediately asked if he would ever see me again. When gently told no, he began to cry and continued to cry through most of the session.
While talking with his mom about his progress and what she perceived as most helpful, the client wrote me this note:
 |
| "I love Mrs. P. so so so so so so much! I love Mrs. P. so much. Bye!" |
It was THE hardest session I have ever had. Not in the typical ways, but in the I want to pick you up and make everything okay for the next several years way. You know, the way I can't respond. I did not want to lie to him and was/am aware of how lying could make the transition harder, as he would be holding out hope that I would show up. Additionally, as much as I would absolutely love to check in with him and his family in the future, that is not very therapeutically helpful to hold on to them so tightly. So, I have to just remind him to use his coping skills, let him know it's okay to be sad and I'm sad too, and model giving a proper good bye.
It sucked!
When have you done something that you know to this day was the right thing to do, yet, you found yourself grappling with the negative aftermath? How did you manage it?
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