Well, I guess it's time to come clean to you all...not just my Facebook friends...and elaborate more fully one of the newest pieces of news for our little (okay, big by today's standards) family.
Baby number four is on its way...actually, it has been for the past 15 weeks or so. And I have spent nearly every minute of those 15 weeks going back and forth between, "I've got this" and "I'm going to go absolutely insane." A moment of complete and total honesty...I Am Terrified. Truly and Completely Terrified. I have absolutely no clue how I am going to manage four children, four years old and younger and not only work on my school work, but also carry my 20 hour graduate assistantship (because we now are used to the meager income it provides and the fact it pays for a large portion of my school) and a new 20 hour a week practicum set to start about six weeks after the projected birth of the baby.
That is more hours than what a week contains! I am saddened by the fact that I know this little one will get the shit end of the stick with me being home only on the weekends--no full days with his or her darling little face. I fear what that will mean for his/her development as I spent so very much time with my first, and increasingly less with each one after. I fear for our bond, for their growth, that they won't feel loved or important. But, at the same time, I can't stop. If I stop the other half of my MommyStudent journey to just focus on Mommy I will lose a part of me and that would also affect our bond and my ability to stimulate growth and provide for my children...all of them. So here I am, making what I feel is the best decision for our ever growing family, knowing it may not be the best decision for the little one growing inside of me and I hope that it is all worth it in the long run. I pray and fervently wish that all this hard work, all this sacrifice, all these dreams and goals and plans come to the fruition that I see in my mind and that they are worth it, worth putting before my family, worth choosing to not just work part time and have that time with my children as they grow. Sadly, I won't know, I won't be able to see the true results for so many many years...I just have to trust my gut, take the punches and "know" I'm on the right path.
Additionally, I am fearful about the birth. I have never been this scared going into the birthing process--not even with my first--but I also had never experienced a C-section prior to any of the others. I pray to get through this without another one as my previous c-section experience was traumatic to say the least.
So...all those fears are swirling around while my head pounds, my shoulders ache, my energy deteriorates and I continue to propose new posters for conferences and articles for newsletters, volunteer to assist in teaching a masters level course, and push myself harder and harder academically. I can only hope and pray that I hit my walls on weekends or over breaks because I can't seem to be able to, or willing to, slow down and take it easy.
When have you felt yourself driven despite warnings from others (and/or yourself) that you may be pushing too hard? Where did that drive originate from? Was it worth it--or are you, like me, going to have to wait a while to find out?
A mother of three girls and a boy (between the ages of 1 and 5) trying to navigate the competing worlds of relatively new mommyhood and a doctoral program simultaneously...her journey, lessons learned, and support to all types of motherhood struggling to find their ways and make the best life for their children....please read, comment, and discuss!
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Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Catch Up--Part 2--School/Research/etc.
Again, So VERY sorry for the late update! I have been anti-anything involving typing or serious thought for the past few weeks.
It feels good to say I have successfully completed my first "real" semester of my doctoral program (true, I did do summer courses...but that was more like "practice".) It sounds ridiculous, but I actually have missed school over the past few weeks; in fact, in sounds cliché, but it feels as if something is missing when I'm not in class, reading interesting (true, maybe only to me) articles, questioning and pushing myself and the world in general, and trying to place as many of my interests as possible into a nice, neat, and beneficial research project.
Speaking of research...it is truly amazing how much my disjointed ideas regarding research have really started to come together and become more cohesive after just a single semester requiring two different research proposals. I am so happy I chose to do these on things I am really interested in as opposed to going the "easy" route of just building on research I'm doing with faculty or prior studies for the purpose of securing an "easy A". Granted, it was a much more difficult road, but it did allow me to delve into current research in my interest areas and wade through my own thoughts and hopes regarding my future research aspirations.
For those of you who may be interested in knowing where my research interests lie--I am incredibly interested in identifying what makes extraordinary teachers able to truly connect with their students and aid in resiliency building. Additionally, I am interested in what programming and/or training can be implemented in schools, institutions (juvenile detention centers, community centers, teacher training programs, hospitals, etc.) that will lead to better outcomes--academically, emotionally, socially--for the youth receiving services; this is particularly salient for youth considered "at risk".
Anyways, I'll keep you posted on my progress in the research realm!
Finally, as a member of the executive board of Student Affiliates of Seventeen (a division for counseling psychology students housed under the American Psychological Association APA), I am tasked with building a multi-level mentorship program over the next few years. So, in all my immense amounts of free time I have been trying to create a structure for this--and it is this task that seems to be the most difficult for me. It seems like such a large task with such little guidance or direction....so, it is on this topic that I leave you with a multitude of questions:
What do you look for in an ideal mentor? What would the perfect mentorship program include? Have you ever served as a mentor? If so, what led you to choose to do so? What was beneficial about it? What was a pain? If not, why not? Thank you for any help!
It feels good to say I have successfully completed my first "real" semester of my doctoral program (true, I did do summer courses...but that was more like "practice".) It sounds ridiculous, but I actually have missed school over the past few weeks; in fact, in sounds cliché, but it feels as if something is missing when I'm not in class, reading interesting (true, maybe only to me) articles, questioning and pushing myself and the world in general, and trying to place as many of my interests as possible into a nice, neat, and beneficial research project.
Speaking of research...it is truly amazing how much my disjointed ideas regarding research have really started to come together and become more cohesive after just a single semester requiring two different research proposals. I am so happy I chose to do these on things I am really interested in as opposed to going the "easy" route of just building on research I'm doing with faculty or prior studies for the purpose of securing an "easy A". Granted, it was a much more difficult road, but it did allow me to delve into current research in my interest areas and wade through my own thoughts and hopes regarding my future research aspirations.
For those of you who may be interested in knowing where my research interests lie--I am incredibly interested in identifying what makes extraordinary teachers able to truly connect with their students and aid in resiliency building. Additionally, I am interested in what programming and/or training can be implemented in schools, institutions (juvenile detention centers, community centers, teacher training programs, hospitals, etc.) that will lead to better outcomes--academically, emotionally, socially--for the youth receiving services; this is particularly salient for youth considered "at risk".
Anyways, I'll keep you posted on my progress in the research realm!
Finally, as a member of the executive board of Student Affiliates of Seventeen (a division for counseling psychology students housed under the American Psychological Association APA), I am tasked with building a multi-level mentorship program over the next few years. So, in all my immense amounts of free time I have been trying to create a structure for this--and it is this task that seems to be the most difficult for me. It seems like such a large task with such little guidance or direction....so, it is on this topic that I leave you with a multitude of questions:
What do you look for in an ideal mentor? What would the perfect mentorship program include? Have you ever served as a mentor? If so, what led you to choose to do so? What was beneficial about it? What was a pain? If not, why not? Thank you for any help!
Catch Up--Part 1--the Kiddos
Hello All!
Sorry, I've been kind of MIA the past few weeks. I was enjoying the holidays with my family and "unplugged" as much as possible post final week of the semester--you know, reading for pleasure, catching up on stupid television shows, and ignoring my ever growing to-do list just to feel as if I were somehow "relaxing" and "enjoying my break".
For those of you who read to follow my girls shenanigans, the following is a quick catch-up in the going ons in their lives:
The Oldest: Second year up on skis--taught herself how to jump much to the annoyance of her dad who was trying to get her to go faster, bedtime is becoming an increasingly long struggle complete with a routine that last longer than most kids television shows, independence and attitude are often hard to separate in this one and I find myself struggling to keep my cool when the "I don't want a Mama", the spitting, and the toy throwing inevitably occur, the random "I love you", "Your a good Mama", and "You made a delicious dinner" pretty much make up for all the annoyances listed previously, she has become really good at logical thinking--including catching me in little white lies intended to make our day run smoother, she can write three letters of her name and spell her nickname, playing catch has become a nearly daily occurrence and she is actually pretty good at both throwing and catching, and she begins dance lessons on Saturday.
The Middle: Went skiing for the first time and loved it...she may be even more fearless than the oldest, in the process of learning her ABC's, loves to read--her favorite book is a preschool workbook which she makes me read almost every night, enjoys pretending to be a dog or a baby that the Oldest takes care of, can be so very very sneaky--an example from just now--she and her older sister are grudgingly taking turns using this ramp for cars and during the Oldest's turn she quietly and gently pushed the ramp just a few centimeters but enough to make the Oldest's car fall off the ramp and her own turn to begin again, doing this several times before the Oldest caught on, she is really coming out of her shy shell and is now the first to say hello to visitors and hug family that hasn't been seen in a while, the terrible twos are in full force but so is the desire to just cuddle up for long periods of time, and she wants to begin dance but is still too young so the Oldest has agreed to teach her what she learns.
The Baby: Officially up and walking...though crawling is still her preferred method of travel, she can maneuver the walker like a champ--backing up and spinning around with grace--it's actually quite impressive, babbling has become an almost nonstop thing with Mama's and Dada's, seeing her sisters in the morning appears to be the highlight of her morning complete with big smiles, waves, and attempting to jump into their arms, she has begun to play intently with sorting toys when not trying to eat her sister's play dough littered throughout the playroom, Zipper (our Boxer) is her best friend and they both enjoy her "riding" on his back, she continues to be a fantastic child with very very little fussing and is so very happy and friendly, and she thoroughly enjoys the nightly bedtime routine of rocking and singing and one on one time.
The Mommy: I miss school! I love being home with my girls and watching them grow and learn and actually play together (a relatively new phenomenon)...but, it is so very draining. It's hard to keep my patience when I am doing it all day every day--particularly with the attitude of the Oldest. But, at the same time, I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to spend this time with them that we will never be able to get back. All the annoyances and stressors, the whining and the arguing, will be such small parts of our memories of the times we spent together when we look back in five, ten, fifteen years. The days are long but the years are short and I hope I am being that "good enough" parent that allows them to look back on their young childhood years with a smile and a laugh and in fondness despite days that may have been marred by arguments or a mom with too little patience.
What is your fondest childhood memory? Is it one specific thing/event/family activity or an overall sense of your childhood? What types of memories would you like your children/future children to hold? How do you fight the impatience and annoyance of your daily grind--whether it's kids, bosses, mundane tasks, etc?
Sorry, I've been kind of MIA the past few weeks. I was enjoying the holidays with my family and "unplugged" as much as possible post final week of the semester--you know, reading for pleasure, catching up on stupid television shows, and ignoring my ever growing to-do list just to feel as if I were somehow "relaxing" and "enjoying my break".
For those of you who read to follow my girls shenanigans, the following is a quick catch-up in the going ons in their lives:
The Oldest: Second year up on skis--taught herself how to jump much to the annoyance of her dad who was trying to get her to go faster, bedtime is becoming an increasingly long struggle complete with a routine that last longer than most kids television shows, independence and attitude are often hard to separate in this one and I find myself struggling to keep my cool when the "I don't want a Mama", the spitting, and the toy throwing inevitably occur, the random "I love you", "Your a good Mama", and "You made a delicious dinner" pretty much make up for all the annoyances listed previously, she has become really good at logical thinking--including catching me in little white lies intended to make our day run smoother, she can write three letters of her name and spell her nickname, playing catch has become a nearly daily occurrence and she is actually pretty good at both throwing and catching, and she begins dance lessons on Saturday.
The Middle: Went skiing for the first time and loved it...she may be even more fearless than the oldest, in the process of learning her ABC's, loves to read--her favorite book is a preschool workbook which she makes me read almost every night, enjoys pretending to be a dog or a baby that the Oldest takes care of, can be so very very sneaky--an example from just now--she and her older sister are grudgingly taking turns using this ramp for cars and during the Oldest's turn she quietly and gently pushed the ramp just a few centimeters but enough to make the Oldest's car fall off the ramp and her own turn to begin again, doing this several times before the Oldest caught on, she is really coming out of her shy shell and is now the first to say hello to visitors and hug family that hasn't been seen in a while, the terrible twos are in full force but so is the desire to just cuddle up for long periods of time, and she wants to begin dance but is still too young so the Oldest has agreed to teach her what she learns.
The Baby: Officially up and walking...though crawling is still her preferred method of travel, she can maneuver the walker like a champ--backing up and spinning around with grace--it's actually quite impressive, babbling has become an almost nonstop thing with Mama's and Dada's, seeing her sisters in the morning appears to be the highlight of her morning complete with big smiles, waves, and attempting to jump into their arms, she has begun to play intently with sorting toys when not trying to eat her sister's play dough littered throughout the playroom, Zipper (our Boxer) is her best friend and they both enjoy her "riding" on his back, she continues to be a fantastic child with very very little fussing and is so very happy and friendly, and she thoroughly enjoys the nightly bedtime routine of rocking and singing and one on one time.
The Mommy: I miss school! I love being home with my girls and watching them grow and learn and actually play together (a relatively new phenomenon)...but, it is so very draining. It's hard to keep my patience when I am doing it all day every day--particularly with the attitude of the Oldest. But, at the same time, I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to spend this time with them that we will never be able to get back. All the annoyances and stressors, the whining and the arguing, will be such small parts of our memories of the times we spent together when we look back in five, ten, fifteen years. The days are long but the years are short and I hope I am being that "good enough" parent that allows them to look back on their young childhood years with a smile and a laugh and in fondness despite days that may have been marred by arguments or a mom with too little patience.
What is your fondest childhood memory? Is it one specific thing/event/family activity or an overall sense of your childhood? What types of memories would you like your children/future children to hold? How do you fight the impatience and annoyance of your daily grind--whether it's kids, bosses, mundane tasks, etc?
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