Well, I guess it's time to come clean to you all...not just my Facebook friends...and elaborate more fully one of the newest pieces of news for our little (okay, big by today's standards) family.
Baby number four is on its way...actually, it has been for the past 15 weeks or so. And I have spent nearly every minute of those 15 weeks going back and forth between, "I've got this" and "I'm going to go absolutely insane." A moment of complete and total honesty...I Am Terrified. Truly and Completely Terrified. I have absolutely no clue how I am going to manage four children, four years old and younger and not only work on my school work, but also carry my 20 hour graduate assistantship (because we now are used to the meager income it provides and the fact it pays for a large portion of my school) and a new 20 hour a week practicum set to start about six weeks after the projected birth of the baby.
That is more hours than what a week contains! I am saddened by the fact that I know this little one will get the shit end of the stick with me being home only on the weekends--no full days with his or her darling little face. I fear what that will mean for his/her development as I spent so very much time with my first, and increasingly less with each one after. I fear for our bond, for their growth, that they won't feel loved or important. But, at the same time, I can't stop. If I stop the other half of my MommyStudent journey to just focus on Mommy I will lose a part of me and that would also affect our bond and my ability to stimulate growth and provide for my children...all of them. So here I am, making what I feel is the best decision for our ever growing family, knowing it may not be the best decision for the little one growing inside of me and I hope that it is all worth it in the long run. I pray and fervently wish that all this hard work, all this sacrifice, all these dreams and goals and plans come to the fruition that I see in my mind and that they are worth it, worth putting before my family, worth choosing to not just work part time and have that time with my children as they grow. Sadly, I won't know, I won't be able to see the true results for so many many years...I just have to trust my gut, take the punches and "know" I'm on the right path.
Additionally, I am fearful about the birth. I have never been this scared going into the birthing process--not even with my first--but I also had never experienced a C-section prior to any of the others. I pray to get through this without another one as my previous c-section experience was traumatic to say the least.
So...all those fears are swirling around while my head pounds, my shoulders ache, my energy deteriorates and I continue to propose new posters for conferences and articles for newsletters, volunteer to assist in teaching a masters level course, and push myself harder and harder academically. I can only hope and pray that I hit my walls on weekends or over breaks because I can't seem to be able to, or willing to, slow down and take it easy.
When have you felt yourself driven despite warnings from others (and/or yourself) that you may be pushing too hard? Where did that drive originate from? Was it worth it--or are you, like me, going to have to wait a while to find out?
As always Ashley, you have the base attitude and faith that will help you through all of the obstacles that may litter your path. As you know, you have a strong family base on both sides that would do anything to help you out. I love you and your "little" family as much as ever.
ReplyDeleteWow! I was shocked when I saw your FB post... looks like you were a little surprised too!
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best of luck in tackling this new challenge, and I hope you reach out to your husband, friends, and family to help you through the tough spots.