I know I promised you all updates and photos of the kids from the wedding...then I just disappeared into my lice infested home for weeks!
That's not actually the whole story. Good news?--We seemed to have gotten rid of the lice in one set of two rounds of "Rid"ding--well technically the cheap store brand of "Rid" and a ridiculous amount of combing, screaming, crying, and head picking. Bad News?--I had yet another useless organ (this time my appendix) removed due to incomprehensible and indescribable pain.
Picture me (those of you who know me)--those of you who don't picture any roughly 30 year old woman--lying on the bathroom floor curled in a ball crying, raising only to throw up. Then, things get even more interesting as you pan out and see an infant in a Bumbo seat smiling and cooing and a 20 month old toddler running over to copy Mom's throwing up. "Brudder, blech, Mama. Hahahaha. Blech, Mama." Then running back over to climb on the mom's back so that toddler can more easily "Blech, hahahahaha" into the toilet.
Yep, that whole life is fragile, let go of control thing--it may actually be literally killing me.
Let me share a secret with you all--I was JUST starting to feel like myself again after the last surgery. Just beginning to dance in the kitchen with the kids, lift the bigger girls, play a little more roughly. Now, it's back to attempting to not lift more than 15 pounds--YEAH RIGHT!--and feeling sore and keeping from snuggling too closely because little elbows, feet, hands, and knees dig into the laproscopic incisions.
And I can't help but feel bitter. Angry with my body. Beyond frustrated with my lack of control in ALL things (side note: I was already WAY behind in clinical hours for my practicum, then I had to reschedule 13 hours of clients--13!!!). Further, I am terrified. Every time I feel a pain or slightly nauseaus, I worry that there's actually something more, that my other ovary or some other ridiculous organ is disinigrating or preparing to explode, or something. So, maybe this is sounding a bit like PTSD...it may be. Surgery is scary. Emergency surgery is even more scary. Emergency surgery scary is ridiculously more scary when there are kids waiting for you at home.
Here I am, singing the same song to a just slightly different tune. I wonder if life is just trying to beat into my thick skull that there really is nothing I can control. But, at the same time as I am learning that very very hard lesson in ridiculously hard ways, I can't help but try to maintain some control over the few things I can control. I'm faltering though...losing my will to hold onto that control.
What do you do when life beats you so hard that you begin to lose the will to fight back (READ: I am NOT talking lose the will to live, I am talking about losing the will to push above and beyond, to excell, to be great.) When, if ever, is it smart to just throw your hands up and live the status quo? When does life "win" in the tug of war between just surviving and thriving?
How do you thrive? Is it always a conscious effort? When do you know you need to let go a bit and just survive?
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