Balancing Act Is Not Quite the Leaning In I Had Hoped For

I know you've probably heard the saying that insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result.  This definition of insanity fully describes the continued attempts I've made to balance my many different roles in life over the past few years.  They are not often complementary and more often than not, compete with one another for my time, my attention, and my passion.  It is hard to feel complete in any role while you are also wearing other roles.  It's difficult to simultaneously serve as a devoted mother and a conscientious daughter, a determined student and a committed employee.  I'm sure many of you, if not all of you, have experienced similar role strain in your lives.  This is the concept from which the idea of balance in one's life arose.

Balance.  The ability to hold many different identities, ways of being, and responsibilities at the same time.  Some of us are naturally better at this than others.  Some of us have learned ways to cope with varying roles.  The problem arises when we are unwilling or unable to let one role drop in order to hold onto others.  This is my struggle.  This is parenting through a PhD.

I have come to the realization that balancing is not working for me.  I can't be the parent, the student, or the wife I want to be when I'm visualizing leaning into one role while simultaneously leaning out of others.  This type of life view and way of interacting with my varied roles has led to increased resentment and depression as I see missed opportunities and lost chances to connect.

Balance, for me, appears to be an illusion of greatness.  The idea that I can somehow be the best in each role by managing my time and energy well enough.  While that may be the case in most situations, missed deadlines, lonely children, and lacking peer relations in my life tell a different story.  Balance does not allow for leaning in to all roles--it prevents it--particularly when life throws curveballs.

What are your experiences?  Have you found a way to balance or is something still missing?  How have you found a way to manage all your different roles and responsibilities?