This past week in one of my classes we were discussing personal disclosures and if and when they should be used with clients. We also discussed how things that we wear, say, do, etc. are all disclosures and that we should be aware of them--an example would be wearing a wedding band.
Anyways, this made me think of my process of preparing to apply for doctoral studies and the debate that raged in my mind regarding whether or not I should disclose the fact I had children. The debate went something like this:
for disclosing: You should definitely tell them you have kids. It should be a part of your personal statement; it's one of the main reasons you even considered going on to pursue a doctorate.
against: NO! They might read that and believe you have your hands too full. They may decide you can't make it...there's no way someone will hear you have two very small children and one of the way and think that you can hack the world of doctoral studies.
for: Maybe it will show I'm motivated and ambitious. That's important right?
against: Yeah, if you can actually make your ambition and motivation lead to something worthwhile. Will they believe you can actually do that with small kids at home. Don't say anything.
for: But...but...these kids are a part of me. I don't want to lie but I also want to show the strength I have that I wouldn't have had without them. Plus, I don't really want to get in somewhere that feels that way then announce that I have kids.
You get the idea. This went back and forth, back and forth. I actually wrote two different personal statements and I have to admit the one with the kids included was more powerful...and more authentic. In the end, I didn't even have to make the decision because one of my letters of recommendation flat out stated that I had very small children. I have to be honest, I breathed a sigh of relief at that because my choice was made.
However, when looking back I find myself wondering how it could have turned out very differently. What if that professor didn't send me a copy of the letter and I sent in the against disclosing statement...would that have made me look like I was hiding something or like a neglectful mother? Or would I have gotten into a different school, one that prided itself in being rigorous, and found myself in a setting that was unsupportive and not understanding?
What would I have done if that professor had not included my children in his letter? I'd like to think I still would've gone with the for disclosing statement because it was the honest statement, because it was the complete picture of me--both positives and negatives. But, putting myself out there like that...letting people who are judging me in one aspect of my life know that other aspects may influence that which they are judging in both positive and negative ways is terrifying.
When you have a drive to be "the best of the best", you don't want others thinking anything stand in your way...even if it is your own children. Where is that line between motivation and obsession? I'm not quite sure and sometimes I wonder if I flirt a little to closely with the obsession line when it comes to school work and professional obligations--possibly saying yes to more than I should, putting in more to basic assignments than I need to--and it worries me what I may be losing in the process. THIS is why I hope I would've included the statement acknowledging my girls...because it shows motivation, but not a single minded obsessiveness that is willing to ignore a large part of me in order to reach it's (my) goals.
Have you ever glossed over a role you play or part of who you are in order to achieve a goal you had that may not have meshed well with that part you glossed over? Was it worth it? Did you have to deal with negative consequences, either interpersonally or intrapersonally? Did you eventually come clean? Or, have you, like me, chosen to show that part you so desperately wanted to hide? Why did you decide to go that route? How did it end?
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