I am about a month into semester 2 of the many, many (okay, roughly 12-14) I have to complete for my phd and I am already feeling like I am crawling towards the finish line. Not such a great start, huh? The truth is, I can't figure out what it is that has me so slowed down and unexcited. I want to blame it on being pregnant...you know, exhaustion and all that jazz...and I'm sure that's part of it. But, I think it may be something bigger....something harder to conquer. I mean, at least with pregnancy, there is an end in sight...albeit very very far away.
No, I think it may be more along the lines of losing my belief in myself. Somehow I've started to lose, tiny bit by tiny bit, my belief that this is all worth it. That I will someday be the change I picture in my mind. Somewhere along the way, I let self-doubt creep its way in and burrow back into its familiar place in my mind. And, I am struggling to find the energy to push it back out.
Aaron and I were talking the other day about people who are content with the status quo. Those who never viewed themselves as doing anything more than living life--with no higher purpose, drive, or desire. Sometimes, particularly recently, I wish I could be like that. Live like that. Ignorance is bliss. If I never wanted anything more than what I had, I would be so content, so happy. Let's be honest, I wouldn't know what I was missing...and, better yet, I wouldn't care.
Yes, motivation and drive and passion and all that jazz leads to great things, incredible things. IF you make it. If not, you only see what you didn't get, you only know you reached high, but couldn't cut it. If you had never thought to reach, then you wouldn't have missed. I KNOW, I KNOW...pessimist, much?
I don't think it's really even that. I think I'm scared. I don't want to fail. I don't want to have lived and dreamed only to say in the end I lived and failed. I get the whole you have to fail to enjoy the victories and the importance of the drive and the passion. I am just terrified that I'm not cut out for it....that I was never meant to dream this big, to reach this high.
Yet...here I am. Here I am and I have three small, impressionable, curious, and innocent little girls watching my every move...and another child soon to join the ranks. Do I want them to live ignorantly in bliss or do I want them to truly experience life--its ups and downs--and truly value that which they have...that which they have made for themselves? As much as ignorance is bliss to those experiencing it...it is missing so much depth and color, so much love and laughter, so much heartache and growth, so much pain and pleasure. I want to experience the full breadth of life. I want my girls to experience not only all that life has to offer, but all that they can squeeze out of it.
And that...that is my motivation. That is the small voice pushing back against self-doubt. I will never know if I am cut out for it if I never try. I will never make anything more out of myself than what I am at this moment, this second if I don't continue to push. I won't continue to blaze a path of determination and drive for my girls to model if I don't keep moving forward. I will fall and I will fail and I won't become the person I see in my mind...but, perhaps, just maybe, I will become something even better and encourage my girls to believe they can, too.
What path would you like your child to take? What fears do you have regarding breaking out of the ignorance is bliss mode so common in today's society?
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