Well...it's time to be honest and admit that I did not stick to my schedule the first week. Yep, couldn't even make it one week adhering to my perfectly thought out schedule because LIFE HAPPENS. That's right, it happens regardless of whether we planned it to or not. It has a way of switching direction on you, spinning you around, and plopping you right back where you were so you can start all over again. It doesn't matter if you plan for it, sometimes it follows your rigid plans, more often it does not. And it's hard. It's so hard to try to plan to fit everything in just to have those plans tossed.
I made it to the gym just once last week (and that was only to climb for about half an hour). I was up more than I was asleep at least three nights last week (baby is teething, the oldest is having nightmares, and the middle has taken up a combination of whining and wailing in her sleep). Thankfully, my GA position will allow me to complete MUCH more homework than I had originally anticipated (I have already read two chapters and three articles this morning!) The one thing I did not adequately plan into my perfect schedule was time with my husband.
Unfortunately, it seems that as a priority, our marriage, our relationship in general, drops in priority coming in behind everything but myself. I know, I know...believe me, I intellectually know how important it is for he and I to be doing well, to be connected, to be "one" in parenting and all that jazz for not only our good but for the good of our children. And I know, again, I intellectually know, how important self care is. How a happy and healthy mommy is a happy and healthy family. How a counselor must be "withit" and together to be effective. I know, but I just can't help putting my children first, rushing to their aid, spending an extra few moments, opting to spend a family day during the weekend instead of going to study. I can't seem to help spending additional free moments on my studying, trying to fit in a paper here or reading there. I wish I could just ignore the housework...that would give me some extra time...but, if ignored, the laundry piles grow and grow, rooms begin to smell like dirty diapers, we run out of plates, and I manage to make cheese in lost bottles hidden under beds...so, clearly, ignoring the housework is not an option for the health and sanity of my family.
What I can do is to stop checking my email 15 times a day or logging into Facebook just as many. I can use my commute to just breathe and enjoy my coffee, instead of worrying about the evenings logistics for the girls (I can't really do anything at that point, anyways!) I can make it a point to have a worthwhile conversation with my husband before bed, instead of watching a mindless program or each retreating into our own areas of the house to read. Having to skim a paper before class the next day is better than not having truly connected with him at all in over 24 hours. I need to continually remind myself of what I intellectually know. I need to actively make my husband a priority. I need to actively make myself a priority. I need to identify and acknowledge what is sucking my time, my energy, my life that is not a necessity. And I need to limit those activities to further focus on my priorities because The Days Are Long, BUT The Years Are Short!
A mother of three girls and a boy (between the ages of 1 and 5) trying to navigate the competing worlds of relatively new mommyhood and a doctoral program simultaneously...her journey, lessons learned, and support to all types of motherhood struggling to find their ways and make the best life for their children....please read, comment, and discuss!
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Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
5 Things I Have To Remind Myself To Do Daily (and you should too!)
A couple of days ago, I was walking back how from the playground, pulling all three girls behind me in the wagon. It was POURING down rain, we had a mile and a half walk, and none of them were crying--the baby was actually sleeping! and the two older girls were laughing and singing "if all the raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops" and catching rain on their tongues. It was incredible and I had a few moments where I felt like supermom...which was quickly erased when I arrived home, attempted to take a photo of their ridiculously rain soaked faces, and found my phone had conveniently popped out of the backpack on the back of the wagon and was now, likely, lying in a quickly growing puddle. So much for a blog post on how I was supermom, and how you could be too! Instead, this is a post on how to manage those ups and downs of mommyhood (and graduate studies) that can make your stomach turn quicker than a roller coaster and make you honestly question your sanity.
1.) Embrace and enjoy any moments you DO feel like supermom. Because, you are a supermom...every day you do something for your children that no one NO ONE else can. You put them before yourself, you give up small moments of privacy that everyone else takes for granted, you give your kids your last bite of something you actually enjoyed eating or make something you dislike because they love it, the list can go one and on. So when you are doing everything right and feeling like the day is golden (no screaming, they are all asleep at once, or you manage to walk a mile and a half in the pouring rain while keeping them smiling) hold on to that feeling and know that you are amazing!
2.) BUT (yes, there is a but), don't let those moments overshadow all the other moments of sacrifice and love you provide. Don't let the everyday moments become unimportant or "not good enough". Those moments are the ones that really matter to your children. Those sacrifices described above, the fact you cuddle with them every night before bed, or take the time to read them their favorite book for the fifth time...that matters more to them than getting through a grocery run without whining. The everyday moment...the just being there...those matter the most. They may not make you feel like a supermom but they make you a mom. And that is way more important than being a supermom!
3.) Always know that the peace doesn't last indeinitely. That quiet is the quiet before a storm. After every moment of supermommyhood and every quiet moment of the day, there will be an equally loud moment of baby screaming, toddlers fighting, kids whining, teens yelling, toys being banged loudly, "I hate you's", "Why's", and tattling. Remember that this too will pass and you will have further moments of supermommy grace and strength and more quiet moments of reading and cuddling. Know that when it comes to the roller coaster of mommyhood, there are ups and downs, but the roller coaster stays on it's path and eventually, yes 18-20 years later eventually, steadies and slows (and then you'll miss the ride!)
4.) Learn to just be, with your kids, with your schoolwork, with your husband, with your friends, with yourself. With technology this has become increasingly difficult. It's so easy to fit in an email for school or work while your kids are playing quietly (enough) in the next room. Or to run to the aid of a crying child when you are supposed to be working from home, I mean you can calm them down quicker than Dad or Grandma, right? Why take a few minutes to reflect on your blessings or to take a longer shower when you can squeeze in another chapter or complete another load of laundry. And, let's be honest, it's nearly impossible to ignore your cell phone buzzing as your squeezing in a quick monthly lunch with friends...it could be a really important Facebook update after all! STOP. Take a moment. Just be with who ever or whatever you are with at that time. Take 5 minutes to just play with your kids, take 10 minutes to rock the baby before putting her down (how much reading do you get done when she's screaming anyways.) Lock the bathroom door and take a long shower when someone else has the kids or while they are safely in their cribs playing or napping. Challenge yourself to just be focused on one thing at a time. Even consider, gasp, turning your cell phone off or limiting the amount of times you check your email or Facebook or open the internet browser. Challenge yourself to have a conversation with your husband or your friends in which you don't mention your children or your schoolwork AND you don't answer or even look at your phone, tablet, etc. Save specific study time for school in which you have no other duty or responsibility than to be a good student.
5.) Soak up the love. While you're just being. When you're a supermom. When you make everyday little sacrifices. When the kids are being pains in the a**es. Count your blessings. Soak up every I love you, bask in the glory that is an impromptu "I love you", nuzzle that sweet baby falling asleep on your shoulder. Take it in and use it to built strength, fortitude, determination. These little ones are why you are sacrificing. This love is what you are trying to protect so enjoy it. Just be in those moments and hold on to them. Find the love in the arguments, the fact they run to you, the fact they cry for you, the fact that they want you more than anyone in the world and when they say they don't it's because they don't want to need you as much as they do. Look into their faces, while they're awake, tell them you love them while looking in their eyes. You'll see the love, you'll feel it. And, if you aren't home that day, because of school, because of work; snuggle up with them, kiss their sleeping forehead, and soak in the trust, the love.
This is all a constant struggle for me. How do you all handle the ups and downs of mommyhood? What mantras do you use to keep yourself sane and your family running smoothly?
1.) Embrace and enjoy any moments you DO feel like supermom. Because, you are a supermom...every day you do something for your children that no one NO ONE else can. You put them before yourself, you give up small moments of privacy that everyone else takes for granted, you give your kids your last bite of something you actually enjoyed eating or make something you dislike because they love it, the list can go one and on. So when you are doing everything right and feeling like the day is golden (no screaming, they are all asleep at once, or you manage to walk a mile and a half in the pouring rain while keeping them smiling) hold on to that feeling and know that you are amazing!
2.) BUT (yes, there is a but), don't let those moments overshadow all the other moments of sacrifice and love you provide. Don't let the everyday moments become unimportant or "not good enough". Those moments are the ones that really matter to your children. Those sacrifices described above, the fact you cuddle with them every night before bed, or take the time to read them their favorite book for the fifth time...that matters more to them than getting through a grocery run without whining. The everyday moment...the just being there...those matter the most. They may not make you feel like a supermom but they make you a mom. And that is way more important than being a supermom!
3.) Always know that the peace doesn't last indeinitely. That quiet is the quiet before a storm. After every moment of supermommyhood and every quiet moment of the day, there will be an equally loud moment of baby screaming, toddlers fighting, kids whining, teens yelling, toys being banged loudly, "I hate you's", "Why's", and tattling. Remember that this too will pass and you will have further moments of supermommy grace and strength and more quiet moments of reading and cuddling. Know that when it comes to the roller coaster of mommyhood, there are ups and downs, but the roller coaster stays on it's path and eventually, yes 18-20 years later eventually, steadies and slows (and then you'll miss the ride!)
4.) Learn to just be, with your kids, with your schoolwork, with your husband, with your friends, with yourself. With technology this has become increasingly difficult. It's so easy to fit in an email for school or work while your kids are playing quietly (enough) in the next room. Or to run to the aid of a crying child when you are supposed to be working from home, I mean you can calm them down quicker than Dad or Grandma, right? Why take a few minutes to reflect on your blessings or to take a longer shower when you can squeeze in another chapter or complete another load of laundry. And, let's be honest, it's nearly impossible to ignore your cell phone buzzing as your squeezing in a quick monthly lunch with friends...it could be a really important Facebook update after all! STOP. Take a moment. Just be with who ever or whatever you are with at that time. Take 5 minutes to just play with your kids, take 10 minutes to rock the baby before putting her down (how much reading do you get done when she's screaming anyways.) Lock the bathroom door and take a long shower when someone else has the kids or while they are safely in their cribs playing or napping. Challenge yourself to just be focused on one thing at a time. Even consider, gasp, turning your cell phone off or limiting the amount of times you check your email or Facebook or open the internet browser. Challenge yourself to have a conversation with your husband or your friends in which you don't mention your children or your schoolwork AND you don't answer or even look at your phone, tablet, etc. Save specific study time for school in which you have no other duty or responsibility than to be a good student.
5.) Soak up the love. While you're just being. When you're a supermom. When you make everyday little sacrifices. When the kids are being pains in the a**es. Count your blessings. Soak up every I love you, bask in the glory that is an impromptu "I love you", nuzzle that sweet baby falling asleep on your shoulder. Take it in and use it to built strength, fortitude, determination. These little ones are why you are sacrificing. This love is what you are trying to protect so enjoy it. Just be in those moments and hold on to them. Find the love in the arguments, the fact they run to you, the fact they cry for you, the fact that they want you more than anyone in the world and when they say they don't it's because they don't want to need you as much as they do. Look into their faces, while they're awake, tell them you love them while looking in their eyes. You'll see the love, you'll feel it. And, if you aren't home that day, because of school, because of work; snuggle up with them, kiss their sleeping forehead, and soak in the trust, the love.
This is all a constant struggle for me. How do you all handle the ups and downs of mommyhood? What mantras do you use to keep yourself sane and your family running smoothly?
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Why a 20 hour Graduate Assistantship instead of a 10 hour one?
Hello All,
Here is the post on why the 20 hour assistantship was chosen for our family's needs:
I wrestled with this one for several weeks. I was offered both a ten hour tuition grant (in which a good portion of my tuition would be covered and I would owe ten hours per week to the program completing research) and a 20 hour graduate assistantship (which is located outside of my program, offers the same tuition coverage as the ten hour position, and provides a monthly stipend while I provide 20 hours a week of work.)
In our family's case, childcare is usually the determining factor. I want to be with our girls as much as I possibly can...that's one of the reasons I am in the doctoral program now instead of in five years. The money, also, is a large part of this decision. A family of five, living on one salary, and racking up student loan debt needs to take whatever it can get when it comes to additional financing!
As I said, the kids and the child care situation is the first thing I weighed when making this choice. We knew we would have to do some child care before the assistantship was even on the table due to daytime classes and we chose a day care center with attached preschool over an in home sitter due to the fact I wanted a more educational and structured setting for my oldest (who will likely rack up ADHD referrals from school). This particular center is one in which the preschool program actually allows families to enroll their children full days for a few days a week as opposed to half days all week long; however, it requires at lest two days attendance per week. Additionally, my mother and father in law graciously offered to cover childcare one day per week if needed. This means that regardless of whether I took the 10 or the 20 hour position, I would still be paying for two days of daycare per week (and on the flipside, the girls would only be in two days per week and with myself or family the others.)
So, money become the deciding factor. It is pretty much impossible to turn down a monthly stipend at this point. We've been married less then five years, have three children, just moved, and life is unpredictable. How could I turn down a little bit more financial security (especially if it covers at groceries and diapers for the month)?
And as soon as I asked myself that question, I was bombarded with several more: When will you study? What's more important, money or your GPA and actually completing this program? Is that little stipend really worth spending one less day with your three beautiful children? Will your husband understand your complete and total lack of free time to complete household chores and make real, not out of a box, dinners? Is it really worth it? Will you have time for research? Wouldn't it be a better move professionally to take the one with guaranteed research in your field?
I struggled with this ongoing battle...and, to be honest, still am struggling to quiet some of these doubts. After a final meeting with my soon to be boss it is increasingly likely that I will be able to do some research with my academic supervisor (who actually oversees the program for which I will be a GA...talk about luck!) Also, it appears there is usually a good bit of "down time" in which homework can be completed. As for my worries surrounding time with my kids and husband, and getting to all my household responsibilities...we are just going to have to discover yet another new normal.
I have pledged to spend the days not at work focused on my family and hope to stick to that pledge. It is my goal to spend no more than two hours a day working on school work while the girls are awake (and hope to keep that to emergency basis only--such as finals or when several things are due at once.)
Basically, I am going to have to break myself of the procrastination habit. Any tips or suggestions???
I'll let you know if anything I try works wonderfully or fails fantastically! ;)
And I'll keep you all updated as to how accurate my plan for juggling is compared to the fast approaching reality.
Here is the post on why the 20 hour assistantship was chosen for our family's needs:
I wrestled with this one for several weeks. I was offered both a ten hour tuition grant (in which a good portion of my tuition would be covered and I would owe ten hours per week to the program completing research) and a 20 hour graduate assistantship (which is located outside of my program, offers the same tuition coverage as the ten hour position, and provides a monthly stipend while I provide 20 hours a week of work.)
In our family's case, childcare is usually the determining factor. I want to be with our girls as much as I possibly can...that's one of the reasons I am in the doctoral program now instead of in five years. The money, also, is a large part of this decision. A family of five, living on one salary, and racking up student loan debt needs to take whatever it can get when it comes to additional financing!
As I said, the kids and the child care situation is the first thing I weighed when making this choice. We knew we would have to do some child care before the assistantship was even on the table due to daytime classes and we chose a day care center with attached preschool over an in home sitter due to the fact I wanted a more educational and structured setting for my oldest (who will likely rack up ADHD referrals from school). This particular center is one in which the preschool program actually allows families to enroll their children full days for a few days a week as opposed to half days all week long; however, it requires at lest two days attendance per week. Additionally, my mother and father in law graciously offered to cover childcare one day per week if needed. This means that regardless of whether I took the 10 or the 20 hour position, I would still be paying for two days of daycare per week (and on the flipside, the girls would only be in two days per week and with myself or family the others.)
So, money become the deciding factor. It is pretty much impossible to turn down a monthly stipend at this point. We've been married less then five years, have three children, just moved, and life is unpredictable. How could I turn down a little bit more financial security (especially if it covers at groceries and diapers for the month)?
And as soon as I asked myself that question, I was bombarded with several more: When will you study? What's more important, money or your GPA and actually completing this program? Is that little stipend really worth spending one less day with your three beautiful children? Will your husband understand your complete and total lack of free time to complete household chores and make real, not out of a box, dinners? Is it really worth it? Will you have time for research? Wouldn't it be a better move professionally to take the one with guaranteed research in your field?
I struggled with this ongoing battle...and, to be honest, still am struggling to quiet some of these doubts. After a final meeting with my soon to be boss it is increasingly likely that I will be able to do some research with my academic supervisor (who actually oversees the program for which I will be a GA...talk about luck!) Also, it appears there is usually a good bit of "down time" in which homework can be completed. As for my worries surrounding time with my kids and husband, and getting to all my household responsibilities...we are just going to have to discover yet another new normal.
I have pledged to spend the days not at work focused on my family and hope to stick to that pledge. It is my goal to spend no more than two hours a day working on school work while the girls are awake (and hope to keep that to emergency basis only--such as finals or when several things are due at once.)
Basically, I am going to have to break myself of the procrastination habit. Any tips or suggestions???
I'll let you know if anything I try works wonderfully or fails fantastically! ;)
And I'll keep you all updated as to how accurate my plan for juggling is compared to the fast approaching reality.
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