Instilling Values in a Politically Correct World...Is that possible?

     Since last week, I have been mulling over one of the questions I asked you all at the end of last week's blog.  Are teaching values and teaching respect for others often at odds in today's society?  How does one instill a set of values in their children while also teaching them to respect and, yes, even value, individual's who values may be at odd with the core set of values you would like your child to hold dear. 
      This concept is difficult for many adults, and has played itself out multiple times over the past few years within my (soon to be) profession.  Individual's, both as students and as professionals, have refused to counsel client's based on the client's sexual orientation.  This refusal stemmed from the counselor's belief that homosexuality was wrong, a sin, against the Bible, etc.  I have also heard many individuals in my training programs proclaim that they "could never work with a sex offender who has offended young children" or with "a murderer who shows no regret."  These proclamations are made based on an individual's strong belief and value system, a strong belief that sexually assaulting small children or taking another person's life without any emotional distress is wrong. 
        It is my position that it is okay...no, not okay...it is necessary to have a set of values; to have a belief that things are 'right' and 'wrong', to have that gut feeling that what you are seeing/hearing/doing goes against who and what you are.  I want my children to have a set of values that is bound to their core, that makes them who and what they are.  BUT, I don't want that set of value to inhibit their ability to see the humanity in others, to feel compassion for individuals with different sets of values, to be remain open-minded about others intentions, beliefs, and actions. 
        The issue is, in today's world, there seems to be a polarization of these two belief systems...either you have a set of world views/beliefs/and values and only those individuals with the same values are worthy of respect and dignity OR you respect everyone's individualization, differing values, and are unable to grab onto your own value system because it might *gasp* contradict someone else's.  NEITHER of these are okay with me, for myself, for my children, or for my profession. 
         There is nothing wrong with believing that sexual assault is wrong or that you would never stay with an abusive partner.  There is certainly nothing wrong with teaching your child that sexual assault shouldn't happen or to stand up for him/her self and the signs of abusive relationships.  The problem occurs when you begin to provide an "us vs. them" or "black and white" worldview...because that is not the world we live in.  It's never black and white, nor should it be "Bible beating" vs. "complacent." 
         This is taught to a certain degree in our training program, in which you are encouraged to identify your "biases"--though I take issue with that word, because often one's values fall into that category and I would never go so far as to call all values biases.  The thought is, if you are able to identify your world view, your buttons, your beliefs, you can better meet with and effectively work with clients who differ in world views, push your buttons, or spit on your beliefs.  You don't have to like them, you don't have to agree with them, and you don't have to change your beliefs to work with them--you just need to understand where they are coming from and show them a little bit of dignity and respect.
         It is my hope that I am able to instill this view and ability in my daughters, while also raising them with a core value system, through both conscious modeling and my everyday interactions and work.
         Where do you fall on this continuum?  Do you find it hard to balance your core beliefs with the idea of coexisting or respect for all?  Have you found yourself loosing hold of your core values while trying to maintain respect for all in this day and age of political correctness?  Do you ever feel guilty or wrong for holding on to certain values or beliefs?  How do you interact with people who value things you don't believe in?  How do you feel with others attack your core values or beliefs?

Highlight of Girls AND Values vs. Respect for Others?

So, I promised a lighter post focused on the girls today...so here goes (note to reader:  it gets a little heavy towards the end again...Sorry!)

An update on time with my little ones.  I can now no longer leave the youngest unattended, as she has started really crawling, pulling herself up on anything she can--including her big sisters, attempting to follow me, picking up EVERYTHING with her newly perfected pincer grasp, and yanking her sisters hair anytime it comes into range--all within the past two weeks!  Additionally, when I am not looking, the oldest often tries to pick her up and I have walked into the kitchen to catch the middle on dragging her across the floor by her feet.  (The older two think they are helping and I'd rather that than they hate her and ignore her...so, there's lots of  reminders to be gentle.)  Baby also has her first tooth and refuses to eat baby food at the table, crying until I give her something she can pick up to eat.  This means that I no longer can get away with not wiping down the high chair and the floor after every meal or with feeding her before or after feeding her sisters.  She has decided she is a FULL part of this family and I have no right keeping her from participating in everything!  (She has a point!)

 The middle one is becoming more and more obstinate (guess this makes sense since she's less than a month from her second birthday!)  When I ask her what she wants to do for the day or what she did at school her first answer is always "No-ting" followed by a devious little smile.  She no longer lets me rock with her, "No rock Mama, Lei Lei by own self!" which breaks my heart a little bit every time she says it as she's pushing me away both literally and figuratively.  She also enjoys running her finger across the page in a book after me as she repeats the words...particularly to the story "Ralph" which is a clever story where the dog talks using onomatopoeia including "roof," "rough," "bark," and "yep" to answer his owner's questions.  At the same time, she can be so very loving, always having a kiss for her baby sister and tenderly cuddling her stuffed animals as she exclaims, "My baby sick.  Shhh Mama, my baby sleep'n."

The oldest one is truly becoming a child and no longer a toddler.  She loves school and is able to "read" (aka recite from memory) little books that she makes at school.  She also takes swimming lessons at her school and loves to talk about how she went into the deep end and how good of a swimmer she is.  Creating things, or projects as we call creative endeavors at home, is one of her favorite things--she enjoys building, painting and pretending to make food for parties.  She also has her first crush--on one of my husbands friends.  Whenever he is over, she instantly lights up, runs over to him, and climbs all over him.  She will not leave his side the entire time he is there and becomes upset if she is left out of a conversation he is having.

I am so very blessed, not only to have these three incredible girls in my life, but to be able to be an active participant in their lives.

Here's where we get into the deeper stuff.  As you can see, they are all fairly young...the oldest being just two and a half months over three years old but I already see the need to determine what values we want to be teaching them.  I don't mean values that you teach by actions alone, through modeling--those we already have figured out.  But, the more complex ones, about race, gender, family structure, etc.  I say this because on just the drive to school (a mere 15 minutes tops) the issues of children before marriage, where babies come from, why people choose to have babies, and same sex marriages all came up--WITH A THREE YEAR OLD!

Granted, the conversation didn't occur in the same way you would expect it to with a teen, but I had to quickly filter my responses so as to not throw out answers that are not necessarily true.  I want to be honest with my children, but I also don't want to have the birds and the bees talk at 3 years old.  I want to teach them values that are important to myself, my husband, and our family but I also want to teach them respect for individuals who may not value the same things or whose lives may have led them down a different path.  I want them to understand that they can live their own value system without condemning others who may not have the same, I want them to treat everyone with dignity.  Period.

Here is what a part of the conversation looked like:

-Mama, I don't remember being in your belly.
--No honey, you probably don't.  It's hard to remember that time in your life for almost everyone, but you definitely were in my belly.
-Was I in your belly when you and Dada were friends.
--You mean before we were married?  No, you were in my belly a few months later.
-Why?  I wanted to be in your belly before.  I wanted to watch you get married.
(A quick pause as I was hit by the desire to say You're supposed to be married before you have kids and considered the reasons for this outside of the cultural 'it's just what you do' piece I had grown up with.)
--We wanted to be married first, it was kind of like a promise that we would face everything together.  I'm sorry you couldn't see us get married, maybe we can renew our vows in a few years and you can see that.
(There was a little confusion here where she thought I said bells instead of vows and was choosing what color bells my husband and I would have during the bell ceremony.)
-I want to renew my vows too Mama.
--Well, to do it like that, you have to be married.
-I want to get married when I get older.  I want to marry Lorelei (middle sister).
(Silence as I was hit by many things all at once--No, you can't marry your sister--that's wrong!  Your supposed to marry a boy not a girl.  Okay, honey, whatever you want to do.  What values do I want to instill about love and marriage?  All these quickly swirled through my mind.)
--Well, honey, you're not really allowed to marry your sister.  She's already family.  The idea behind getting married is that you are extending your family, making it bigger.  You should marry someone you enjoy spending time with, someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, someone you have fun with and someone who treats you well--
-I'll marry G! (her Godmother)

G happens to be married, but I really didn't want to start on the whole divorce topic while already rather successfully, I think, managing the marriage topic--including same sex marriages and children out of wedlock.  Granted this wasn't an explicit conversation on these topics, but I did the best I could to keep judgements out of it and instill the fact that marriage is a commitment upon which child rearing can thrive and that the most important issue surrounding who you should marry is how well they treat you and whether you can see yourself with them for the long haul.

What about you?  When did you start having explicit conversations with your children regarding these topics?  Have you ever?  How do you instill your familial and/or religious values into your children while also teaching them to value/respect diversity OR are these two things often at odds?

What's it gonna be today? Self-Actualization OR Self-Preservation?

Yes, this is the best pic I could get of all 3.

          Hello All...Today I am going to cheap out a bit and use a paper I have due for class today--but before you click off of this page, know it is right in line with what I've been discussing the past few weeks...it's just in response to a chapter we read in class.  This chapter discusses perceptions graduate students often struggle with and we were to pick out a couple that we personally find challenging.  The two I chose to write on were:

Self-Preservation vs Self-Actualization
Dependence vs Independence

          This is a bit longer than my usual posts, so grab a coffee and enjoy.  Next post I'll try to keep light with some good stories about the kiddos instead of the never ending battle of prioritizing ;)

            Upon reading the “Six Challenging Perspectives” section from Gelso and Fretz (2001), two themes really stuck with me:  Prioritizing and Independence.  Though the act of prioritizing and balancing doctoral studies requirements, research, and home life is likely a struggle for most of us, I find that the additional responsibility of being a mother puts an additional weight on this precarious balance, adding an additional layer of stress and difficulty not experienced my many doctoral students.  Additionally, my upbringing and the culture in which I was raised, namely the deep south, has led to a view of the academic world that often works against me in seeking support from or pursuing collaborative projects with staff.  I knew that pursuing a PhD while raining a small family would be difficult, especially with my default personality setting of “follower”, but I rationalized (and continue to rationalize) that in the end it will all be worth it, not only for my family but for growing as an individual.

            Having children was a game changer for me.  I always thought I would never want to be a stay at home mom; that I would get bored, end up resenting my children, and not give back to the world like I “should” through teaching.  Then I got pregnant with my first and I couldn’t imagine not staying home with her, not seeing her first steps or answering her cries.  I couldn’t picture someone else assisting her in making sense of the world around her or leading her through her first few years.  It made me tear up to think that she would be repeating someone else’s words before my own or smiling up at someone else, some stranger, before smiling at me!  It probably did not help that my background is in special education and I had a litany of examples from my undergraduate readings, case studies, and practicum experiences of how serious developmental delays can be and how important the first few years of life are for the development of mind and body. 

            That is when I decided to go back for my Master’s degree.  It gave me the chance to further myself (and what I could give back to the world) while also being there for my daughter…then daughters.  This desire to be a part of my children’s life was one of the deciding factors in why I chose to continue my studies at the doctoral level at this point in my life instead of further in the future.  This allows me to still be home with my children an additional two days per week, and that’s while also pulling a 20 hour graduate assistantship.

            It kind of sounds like I have things all nice and neatly separated and planned out…but it’s not.  There are times when I’m at school that I’m worried about my oldest daughter’s ear ache or stressed about how much interaction the youngest is really getting in day care.  There are other times when I am in the center of an all-out kicking, hair pulling, toddler fight and I get a sudden paper topic inspiration and have to write it down with the toddle fight rolling around behind me, their screams for mommy’s help falling on momentarily deaf ears.  This is when it is hard for me.  It is SO hard for me to put school before my kids…even when it is time that I have purposely set aside for studying!  I can’t count how many times I have chosen to stay up late or forego reading so that I can do something as mundane as walk to the playground with my girls and watch them slide and swing.  They didn’t need me there, it was scheduled study time for Mommy and play time with Daddy, but oh, how I wanted to be there, to be a part of their lives, and to revel in their happiness.

            And those moments when I do choose school first, when I do take a moment to shut them out, or a few hours to complete a paper, I am bombarded with “mom guilt”.  Worries and “what ifs” buzz around my head constantly suggesting the girls are better off with me around, that I am not doing all I can for them, that no one else can do as much for them as I can, that I don’t have my priorities straight.  Silly, I know, but these thoughts pop up and take off running before I can consciously stop them and process to rationalize my way out of them.  This rationalizing has become increasingly more difficult now that my middle child has begun to cry on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings, saying “No school, Stay Mama today.”  And I still get a sharp punch in my gut each time my oldest hugs me tight and whispers “You’re a good Mama, but I don’t like when you’re at college all the time.”

            Prioritizing between school requirements and parental responsibilities sometimes seems nearly impossible, and that doesn’t even touch on how difficulty it can be to find “me time.”  This is where the need and struggle to balance comes in.  It’s clear that the girls and school requirements are my competing top priorities, but that doesn’t change the fact that I need to balance these top priorities not only with one another, but also with other necessary priorities such as myself, my marriage, my home, my social life, my limited hobbies, and my additional professional interests (i.e. additional reading, research, committees, etc.).  Basically, to use the authors’ words form a couple different places in the reading, I need to “make time” with “only 24 hours in a day”.  (Gelso and Fretz, 2001)

            This attempt to make time in a defined, and rather limited, set amount of time is what makes the challenge of changing the perspective of self-preservation to one of self-actualization so difficult for me.  Though I tend to have an initial self-actualization perspective, one of attacking tasks instead of avoiding them, I have so many responsibilities that my attacking tends to either fall short in all areas, or be focused only in certain areas…leaving those priorities outside of the top two with little to no attention.

            Often, I find myself attacking tasks in several different areas, such as reading everything for class, attempting to take my girls on weekly outings to the zoo or museums, signing up for additional research, and vowing to do all the laundry that has piled up in the past two weeks…only to find myself drowning in commitments and going into “fight or flight” mode.  Though I get everything done (except for maybe the laundry), and get it done well enough, it leaves me feeling empty.  I become devoid of energy, strength, and will power and need a significant amount of time to recharge before I can attack again.  Additionally, this switch to self-preservation tends to put me in an emotional funk characterized by crankiness, unhappiness, and self-berating for falling short, yet again.

            In the reading, Gelso and Fretz (2001) state, “Graduate study in counseling psychology may bring numerous threats to one’s sense of self-efficacy.  We define self-efficacy as the ‘expectation that one can master the problems that one faces in a given situation’” (pg. 196).  It appears that my struggle is in having an overabundance of self-efficacy, or the belief that I can effectively take on my whole world at one time.  This leads to a multitude of responsibilities resting squarely on my shoulders, knocking me down a peg or two, and my finally prioritizing and effectively taking on most of what I wanted to accomplish.  The trick in this cycle has always be not allowing my flight instincts to take over when I begin to feel overwhelmed, but to, instead, prioritize and keep on attacking.  This is the constant cycle I travel as I try to keep from falling into the trap of valuing self-preservation and turning towards it when time get tough or my to-do list become too long.

            This is a conscious effort I have been making AND will have to continue to make.  I have found that blogging about the struggle to maintain priorities and balance is helpful in finding balance and in appreciating my successes when I have them.  It works much like journaling but, because it is out there for all to see, it keeps me focused on the positive instead of allowing me to wallow in the negative.  Additionally, I have found that staying out of conversations in which my peers are discussing the sheer amount of work required or their high levels of stress allows me to remain centered.  It appears that not only misery, but also stress, enjoys company.  If I can’t get away from these types of conversations, I find that reminding myself everything is relative keeps me from defaulting immediately to the safety of self-preservation and flight.

            After these types of conversations, I remind myself that being calm about upcoming assignments does not make me less of a student; being confident in my abilities does not mean I’m naïve.  It does mean that I have a good deal of self-efficacy, which is a good thing, as long as I realize that I will always eventually stumble, fail, or flee.  It is in these specific cases that I need to remind myself that I have the knowledge and the strength to quickly talk myself out of hiding and go back on the attack; to come out of the womb of self-preservation and into the harsh light of self-actualization.

            As if that weren’t a big enough challenge to face daily, I am also uniquely challenged by the perception of being a dependent receiver while in the doctoral program instead of an independent doer.  This challenge is due more to where, and how, I was raised.  I grew up in the deep south, middle of nowhere Georgia to be precise, followed by several years outside of Columbia, South Carolina.  I lived on dead end dirt roads, played in creeks, and was taught by not only my parents, but the whole community, to respect and value my elders, particularly the teachers and the preachers.  This included not only saying “Sir” and “Ma’am” but also respecting what they had to say:  listening, learning, and looking up to them.

            This cultural norm carried into how I interacted with professors in my undergraduate and Master’s degrees.  I was raised to believe the teacher is to be learned from, respected for their knowledge, and always viewed as above oneself.  In my world, one should never have conversations focused on the teacher’s personal life, or *gasp* become friendly with them, as it is “rude” to assume they want to have anything to do with you outside of the classroom or subject matter.  However, in a doctoral level training program, there is a shift from student to practitioner, from assistant to scientist.  I find navigating the world of academia difficult.  Pair my default “follower” persona with a culture of viewing teachers as “separate” and you have an individual who is unsure as to how to interact with staff, as they are colleagues, professors, and elders at the same time!  I find myself wanting to be passively depending, wanting to just revert to “Yes, Sir” and “No Ma’am.”  I just take the requirements, the workload, the complete lack of control over my own schedule in stride because it’s not something I can control; deeper yet, it’s not something I feel I’m supposed to control. I don’t feel the rage the authors suggested many students feel at the perceived lack of control in a doctoral program (even after having been in the “real world”) because I am perfectly comfortable in the passive dependent role.

            Yet, I know I won’t get as much out of the program if I sit passively by on all things.  So, here I sit, yet again, having to consciously bolster myself; consciously keep myself from fleeing.  I must choose my priorities in the program…and attack, despite the cries within my mind telling me I’m being rude or presumptuous and begging me to go back to the comfort of following.  Daily, I must wage that war within myself as I navigate the world of doctoral studies while also somehow balancing my responsibilities as a mother.

References

Gelso, G., & Fretz, B.  (2001).  Counseling psychology (2^nd ed.)  Fort Worth, TX:  Harcourt Brace.

One Week Down...And What Fell Through The Cracks

         Well...it's time to be honest and admit that I did not stick to my schedule the first week.  Yep, couldn't even make it one week adhering to my perfectly thought out schedule because LIFE HAPPENS.  That's right, it happens regardless of whether we planned it to or not.  It has a way of switching direction on you, spinning you around, and plopping you right back where you were so you can start all over again.  It doesn't matter if you plan for it, sometimes it follows your rigid plans, more often it does not.  And it's hard.  It's so hard to try to plan to fit everything in just to have those plans tossed.

           I made it to the gym just once last week (and that was only to climb for about half an hour).  I was up more than I was asleep at least three nights last week (baby is teething, the oldest is having nightmares, and the middle has taken up a combination of whining and wailing in her sleep).  Thankfully, my GA position will allow me to complete MUCH more homework than I had originally anticipated (I have already read two chapters and three articles this morning!)  The one thing I did not adequately plan into my perfect schedule was time with my husband. 

          Unfortunately, it seems that as a priority, our marriage, our relationship in general, drops in priority coming in behind everything but myself.  I know, I know...believe me, I intellectually know how important it is for he and I to be doing well, to be connected, to be "one" in parenting and all that jazz for not only our good but for the good of our children.  And I know, again, I intellectually know, how important self care is.  How a happy and healthy mommy is a happy and healthy family.  How a counselor must be "withit" and together to be effective.  I know, but I just can't help putting my children first, rushing to their aid, spending an extra few moments, opting to spend a family day during the weekend instead of going to study.  I can't seem to help spending additional free moments on my studying, trying to fit in a paper here or reading there.  I wish I could just ignore the housework...that would give me some extra time...but, if ignored, the laundry piles grow and grow, rooms begin to smell like dirty diapers, we run out of plates, and I manage to make cheese in lost bottles hidden under beds...so, clearly, ignoring the housework is not an option for the health and sanity of my family. 

            What I can do is to stop checking my email 15 times a day or logging into Facebook just as many.  I can use my commute to just breathe and enjoy my coffee, instead of worrying about the evenings logistics for the girls (I can't really do anything at that point, anyways!)  I can make it a point to have a worthwhile conversation with my husband before bed, instead of watching a mindless program or each retreating into our own areas of the house to read.  Having to skim a paper before class the next day is better than not having truly connected with him at all in over 24 hours.  I need to continually remind myself of what I intellectually know.  I need to actively make my husband a priority.  I need to actively make myself a priority.  I need to identify and acknowledge what is sucking my time, my energy, my life that is not a necessity.  And I need to limit those activities to further focus on my priorities because The Days Are Long, BUT The Years Are Short!