It is time for a break. My brain literally feels as if it is about to explode. The semester is rounding out the second half at this point and it is time for me to start narrowing my own research ideas/topics/etc. Well, that's not entirely true...it's time to come up with two separate research proposals for two separate classes, in which I am going to write up everything but the results (because I'm no actually completing the research...just, you know, practicing the process). So, in my overachieving mind, I decided at the start of the semester that I would only do intense project like this on something that will likely tie into my future dissertation. The only problem is...I'm not quite sure what that will be...in fact, as the days go by I become increasingly more and more unsure as to what that will be which makes identifying smaller topics of interest that much more difficult!
I know, I know...quit complaining and whining and just pick something already! I would, I just don't want to do all that research, reading, and synthesizing of information for the hell of it...I want all those hours to count towards something more than just a single grade in a single class. I want to be able to build on my growing body of knowledge in a specific area semester after semester so when I do my dissertation most of the heavy background work is done already and I can focus on the actual data collection and analysis. And, it's not that I don't have ideas, it's just, I'm having trouble deciding which direction to go. Do I want to create and evaluate an intervention (which, if it is effective may lead to the ability to further develop and sell it)--don't judge me, I do have a family to support and many, many loans to pay back upon graduation! Or, do I want to look at something that I have seen occurring in classrooms, counseling centers, and the community and try to put a name to it, try to define something that has yet to be defined (BIG stuff if I could actually do it.) Do I go the easy, test retest and run numbers route or do I go the harder, in depth interviews and observations in addition to the running the numbers route? Am I a horrible mom for being pulled towards the in depth, time consuming, possibly not long term paying route?
That's the real heart of the problem for me...when does enjoying your work (in my case school right now), wanting to be challenged by it and immersed in it...make you a crappy mother? When you put your kids in an extra day of child care just so you can have time to really get into it (something I have considered doing in the coming years of study)? When you miss dance recitals, ball games, first dates? When your daughter tells you she doesn't want a Mama or doesn't love you on a daily basis because what she really wants is you to not correct her but instead hold her and love her wholeheartedly (my oldest, at only three years old, does this)? And when does being an involved mother make me a bad worker/student/researcher? When I choose to forgo a great research idea because it involves too much time? When I choose the easy way out so I can pick them up on time daily? Is it possible to be great at both? Is it possible to "lean in" to both roles? Will anything be left of me, as an individual, as a person separate from both those roles, if I do?
And...my brain still feels full...I will likely go the harder route, I will likely bust my ass to spend as much time as possible with my girls, and I will likely define myself by these roles. It may not be ideal...but, at least it is a decision I am consciously making. I will hold onto myself through what I choose to research, what I choose to do with my girls--I will allow my passions, my drive, to influence my roles. I will deposit small pieces of myself into both my work and my family so that when I lean into them, I am also leaning into the best of me.
How do you hold onto "you" throughout your roles? Do you feel as if you have a you that is separate from all your roles...or do your roles define you completely? What aspects of your life do you "lean in" to and which aspects, if any, suffer as a result? How do you handle the resulting guilt you may feel for letting things fall through the cracks?
A mother of three girls and a boy (between the ages of 1 and 5) trying to navigate the competing worlds of relatively new mommyhood and a doctoral program simultaneously...her journey, lessons learned, and support to all types of motherhood struggling to find their ways and make the best life for their children....please read, comment, and discuss!
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Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
It's not "becoming my new normal"
Okay, I've been shying away from writing about the enormity of balancing school, kids, research, work, and life in general...instead focusing mostly on the large part of my life that is parenting and trying to raise girls that will thrive in today's world. I want to say I've been writing about that because it is what struck me as the most important, but, if I'm being honest, it's because I don't want to focus on just how difficult this all is.
After each girl was born, people would state, "I don't know how you do it" and my answer was always, "It's not too bad, it's just become my new normal." And, I wasn't being modest...it really was just my new normal. I didn't have too difficult a time adjusting to less sleep, to carting kids everywhere, to screaming, to consistently dirty floors. This is likely due to the fact I was never working full time when raising the girls the past three years...I was doing a Masters and, in the final year, completing a 20 hour a week internship...BUT, there was still time in my day to fit most everything in.
Now, I can't find a spare moment that shouldn't be dedicated to something else. The only time I go to the gym is when I have to finish homework--fitting in a half hour workout and a shower, because I would feel like a complete failure if I went to the gym and walked out without having broken a sweat! The only time I spend with my husband is time I should spend reading for class. And each hour I spend playing with my girls on Mondays and Thursdays are hours that should be dedicated to research and writing and emails and....you get the point.
Now, I know some of you are likely thinking, well, you have time to write this blog. Yes, I do--during my 20 hour a week Graduate Assistantship. I sometimes wonder how I would even be managing without the time this allows me to complete classwork and have a few moments to process my stressors and jumble of emotions that gather throughout a week of never slowing down. This blog is my way of doing this, my way of making sense of the swirling thoughts, of grabbing the ones that are most effecting me and discharging them through typing. It allows me to put the thoughts and feelings into words; rationalizing them and making them coherent and not quite so enormous and engulfing.
This hasn't become easier; I haven't gotten used to it, and I'm terrified I never will. I feel like I am treading water, struggling to not go under, and unsure of which shore to head towards (each shore representing a different priority) and every time I think I've found direction and I'm moving forward, someone throws a pail of water in my face or calls me from the opposite shore.
With these feelings of never having enough time there is the knowledge that I am having to sacrifice one thing for another--at this point it is not just about prioritizing or skipping that one television show to make time for another, more necessary, activity. It is really having to choose one priority over the other--every day, every activity, it feels like I am asking what is more important, Kids or School, Time With My Husband or Getting Research Under My Belt, A Shower or Sleep, etc. All of these things are important...not just in the here and now but in the future as well. And, I have to admit to feeling resentful towards people who aren't having to make these choices. Sometimes I imagine I am childless, able to spend time on research teams and actually read every article assigned, able to delve into my personal choices of research and dream big, able to take on any opportunity that comes my way in the academic world while also having time to enjoy weekly nights out with my husband and/or friends AND other times I imagine I am schoolless and workless, able to paint all day with my girls, start projects on a Monday and finish them on a Tuesday instead of a Thursday, able to take full day trips to the zoo without worrying about being home in time to have a solid two hours of homework time during the girls regularly scheduled naptime, able to sit down to real dinners with all five of us at the table all 7 nights of the week. And, when I snap out of it, for a second I am so very jealous of the people that are able to experience either of these realities. But, as crazy as it is, as much as I feel like I am constantly treading water, I am so thankful I have the opportunity to do this and I will, eventually, make it my new normal OR just continue to tread through the next 5 years! The only way I will learn to deal with it is to continue to try to manage it and lean on everyone that is willing to allow me to lean.
When have you felt the most overwhelmed? How did you manage? Was it a long lasting process, and, if so, how did you keep your head above water? Was it truly worth it in the end?
After each girl was born, people would state, "I don't know how you do it" and my answer was always, "It's not too bad, it's just become my new normal." And, I wasn't being modest...it really was just my new normal. I didn't have too difficult a time adjusting to less sleep, to carting kids everywhere, to screaming, to consistently dirty floors. This is likely due to the fact I was never working full time when raising the girls the past three years...I was doing a Masters and, in the final year, completing a 20 hour a week internship...BUT, there was still time in my day to fit most everything in.
Now, I can't find a spare moment that shouldn't be dedicated to something else. The only time I go to the gym is when I have to finish homework--fitting in a half hour workout and a shower, because I would feel like a complete failure if I went to the gym and walked out without having broken a sweat! The only time I spend with my husband is time I should spend reading for class. And each hour I spend playing with my girls on Mondays and Thursdays are hours that should be dedicated to research and writing and emails and....you get the point.
Now, I know some of you are likely thinking, well, you have time to write this blog. Yes, I do--during my 20 hour a week Graduate Assistantship. I sometimes wonder how I would even be managing without the time this allows me to complete classwork and have a few moments to process my stressors and jumble of emotions that gather throughout a week of never slowing down. This blog is my way of doing this, my way of making sense of the swirling thoughts, of grabbing the ones that are most effecting me and discharging them through typing. It allows me to put the thoughts and feelings into words; rationalizing them and making them coherent and not quite so enormous and engulfing.
This hasn't become easier; I haven't gotten used to it, and I'm terrified I never will. I feel like I am treading water, struggling to not go under, and unsure of which shore to head towards (each shore representing a different priority) and every time I think I've found direction and I'm moving forward, someone throws a pail of water in my face or calls me from the opposite shore.
With these feelings of never having enough time there is the knowledge that I am having to sacrifice one thing for another--at this point it is not just about prioritizing or skipping that one television show to make time for another, more necessary, activity. It is really having to choose one priority over the other--every day, every activity, it feels like I am asking what is more important, Kids or School, Time With My Husband or Getting Research Under My Belt, A Shower or Sleep, etc. All of these things are important...not just in the here and now but in the future as well. And, I have to admit to feeling resentful towards people who aren't having to make these choices. Sometimes I imagine I am childless, able to spend time on research teams and actually read every article assigned, able to delve into my personal choices of research and dream big, able to take on any opportunity that comes my way in the academic world while also having time to enjoy weekly nights out with my husband and/or friends AND other times I imagine I am schoolless and workless, able to paint all day with my girls, start projects on a Monday and finish them on a Tuesday instead of a Thursday, able to take full day trips to the zoo without worrying about being home in time to have a solid two hours of homework time during the girls regularly scheduled naptime, able to sit down to real dinners with all five of us at the table all 7 nights of the week. And, when I snap out of it, for a second I am so very jealous of the people that are able to experience either of these realities. But, as crazy as it is, as much as I feel like I am constantly treading water, I am so thankful I have the opportunity to do this and I will, eventually, make it my new normal OR just continue to tread through the next 5 years! The only way I will learn to deal with it is to continue to try to manage it and lean on everyone that is willing to allow me to lean.
When have you felt the most overwhelmed? How did you manage? Was it a long lasting process, and, if so, how did you keep your head above water? Was it truly worth it in the end?
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Responsible for Own Actions...?
I have seen a disturbing trend over the past few years, and at first thought it was just my students and adolescent clients. I was attributing it more to their view of reality, life, and the rough hand they had been given paired with a blaming culture and the fact they are adolescents...but, it is MUCH more pervasive than that...and I am unsure as to how to safeguard my girls from that type of mentality.
This trend is the "It's not my fault" trend...you know, the one where your own mistakes, dumb choices, and short fallings are all someone else's responsibility. You get off free and clear and someone else is the bad guy for whatever consequences occur. You get pregnant because you didn't use birth control? Don't worry, it's his fault because he didn't have a condom or he didn't pull out. You drank too much then tried to drive home and got a ticket. Don't worry, it's the cops fault because he's an asshole and your girlfriends fault because she had to be up early and made you drive. You managed to shut down the entire government because you can't agree? Don't worry, it's all the (choose one) Republicans/Democrats fault, those damn bastards are refusing to see reason.
I admit, I too, am guilty of this...it is so much easier to blame my super tight schedule for my not having vacuumed the house or completed the laundry, or my very high stress levels and roaring headache for yelling at the girls. And, yes, those are true explanations of why I acted the way I did...but, do they really qualify as excuses? Can I really blame my yelling on my headache and stress levels, my inability to keep up with housework on my insanely busy schedule...or do I have some amount of responsibility in these instances? Could I have stayed up an extra ten minutes to vacuum or taken a "Mommy Time-Out" instead of yelling? ABSOLUTELY! But, why do that when I have built in excuses and finger pointing for every mistake that paint me as the victim and leave me free and clear of any negative consequences? The difference is, I don't believe it, I know I could have acted differently...I know I chose to act the way I did...and I admit it to myself...and now, to all of you. I am a blamer because sometimes it is so much easier because then...I'm not the bad guy and it's not my fault, at all!
This is where this line of reasoning becomes problematic in today's world. The idea of blaming the victim. A fantastic example would be that of rape. The news today has blown up the story of a young girl who, when 14, alleged rape against a 17 year old star football player. The story, as I heard it, is that the girl had been "sipping Bicardi" at home with friends then snuck out to hang out with the young man. They drank more (some sources say she was forced to drink more) and they ended up in a bedroom, alone (with the exception of a young man who video recorded the scene). They had sex, she claims she was raped; he claims she was consenting.
Now, don't shoot my head off for this, but, as a parent, I would be upset not only with the boy, but also with my daughter. I know, I know, that's "blaming the victim" BUT a young girl should be responsible for her behaviors to some extent. They should know that alcohol consumption and breaking house rules may lead to negative consequences...sometimes awful ones. As a mother of three girls I want my girls to know that the decisions they make lead them down different paths and though we can't control others' behaviors we can ALWAYS control our own and that some of those paths we choose to follow are inherently more risky than others. I'm not saying the girl in the above story deserved to be raped, nor that it is her fault, but she did engage in risky behaviors which, by definition, leaves her open to more risks. I want to teach my girls what risky behaviors are and that they are RESPONSIBLE for choosing to engage in risky behaviors, and therefore, to some extent, responsible for the consequences of the risky behavior. I don't want them to grow up in a world where ALL of the consequences of their choices lead to blaming of others and excuses, where they can break rules and laws but face no blame themselves for their choices. Imagine what the world would be like if all choices became his/her/their/its fault and not our own choice ...
It is a very slippery slope, one in which we go from not blaming a teen who drank so much she eventually passed out for the (yes, horrible and wrong) sexual assault she experienced to not blaming the mother, high on drugs, who placed her infant in the washing machine and turned it on, for the murder of her child. When is it our fault we chose to drink too much, be high on drugs, have unprotected sex, etc? When is it okay to blame it on the alcohol, the drugs, the other person? Why does it have to be one or the other...why can't more than one individual share the blame when poor decisions lead to negative consequences? Where is the line of responsibility? What do you teach your children or want to teach your children regarding their responsibility for their behaviors and the resulting consequences? When is it blaming the victim and when is it acknowledging the part one plays in choosing their life paths?
When did it become okay to blame others for our choices and how do we teach our children differently?
Added note: CLEARLY our society and culture as a whole needs to change so rape, murder, etc. are not common occurances; however, should this change the need to teach our children how to stay safe in the world as it is? In other words, because we think rape is bad and individuals should know better than to take advantage of/rape young drunken girls does that change the fact that we should teach our young girls that this can occur should they choose to be drunken?
This trend is the "It's not my fault" trend...you know, the one where your own mistakes, dumb choices, and short fallings are all someone else's responsibility. You get off free and clear and someone else is the bad guy for whatever consequences occur. You get pregnant because you didn't use birth control? Don't worry, it's his fault because he didn't have a condom or he didn't pull out. You drank too much then tried to drive home and got a ticket. Don't worry, it's the cops fault because he's an asshole and your girlfriends fault because she had to be up early and made you drive. You managed to shut down the entire government because you can't agree? Don't worry, it's all the (choose one) Republicans/Democrats fault, those damn bastards are refusing to see reason.
I admit, I too, am guilty of this...it is so much easier to blame my super tight schedule for my not having vacuumed the house or completed the laundry, or my very high stress levels and roaring headache for yelling at the girls. And, yes, those are true explanations of why I acted the way I did...but, do they really qualify as excuses? Can I really blame my yelling on my headache and stress levels, my inability to keep up with housework on my insanely busy schedule...or do I have some amount of responsibility in these instances? Could I have stayed up an extra ten minutes to vacuum or taken a "Mommy Time-Out" instead of yelling? ABSOLUTELY! But, why do that when I have built in excuses and finger pointing for every mistake that paint me as the victim and leave me free and clear of any negative consequences? The difference is, I don't believe it, I know I could have acted differently...I know I chose to act the way I did...and I admit it to myself...and now, to all of you. I am a blamer because sometimes it is so much easier because then...I'm not the bad guy and it's not my fault, at all!
This is where this line of reasoning becomes problematic in today's world. The idea of blaming the victim. A fantastic example would be that of rape. The news today has blown up the story of a young girl who, when 14, alleged rape against a 17 year old star football player. The story, as I heard it, is that the girl had been "sipping Bicardi" at home with friends then snuck out to hang out with the young man. They drank more (some sources say she was forced to drink more) and they ended up in a bedroom, alone (with the exception of a young man who video recorded the scene). They had sex, she claims she was raped; he claims she was consenting.
Now, don't shoot my head off for this, but, as a parent, I would be upset not only with the boy, but also with my daughter. I know, I know, that's "blaming the victim" BUT a young girl should be responsible for her behaviors to some extent. They should know that alcohol consumption and breaking house rules may lead to negative consequences...sometimes awful ones. As a mother of three girls I want my girls to know that the decisions they make lead them down different paths and though we can't control others' behaviors we can ALWAYS control our own and that some of those paths we choose to follow are inherently more risky than others. I'm not saying the girl in the above story deserved to be raped, nor that it is her fault, but she did engage in risky behaviors which, by definition, leaves her open to more risks. I want to teach my girls what risky behaviors are and that they are RESPONSIBLE for choosing to engage in risky behaviors, and therefore, to some extent, responsible for the consequences of the risky behavior. I don't want them to grow up in a world where ALL of the consequences of their choices lead to blaming of others and excuses, where they can break rules and laws but face no blame themselves for their choices. Imagine what the world would be like if all choices became his/her/their/its fault and not our own choice ...
It is a very slippery slope, one in which we go from not blaming a teen who drank so much she eventually passed out for the (yes, horrible and wrong) sexual assault she experienced to not blaming the mother, high on drugs, who placed her infant in the washing machine and turned it on, for the murder of her child. When is it our fault we chose to drink too much, be high on drugs, have unprotected sex, etc? When is it okay to blame it on the alcohol, the drugs, the other person? Why does it have to be one or the other...why can't more than one individual share the blame when poor decisions lead to negative consequences? Where is the line of responsibility? What do you teach your children or want to teach your children regarding their responsibility for their behaviors and the resulting consequences? When is it blaming the victim and when is it acknowledging the part one plays in choosing their life paths?
When did it become okay to blame others for our choices and how do we teach our children differently?
Added note: CLEARLY our society and culture as a whole needs to change so rape, murder, etc. are not common occurances; however, should this change the need to teach our children how to stay safe in the world as it is? In other words, because we think rape is bad and individuals should know better than to take advantage of/rape young drunken girls does that change the fact that we should teach our young girls that this can occur should they choose to be drunken?
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