It's not "becoming my new normal"

Okay, I've been shying away from writing about the enormity of balancing school, kids, research, work, and life in general...instead focusing mostly on the large part of my life that is parenting and trying to raise girls that will thrive in today's world.  I want to say I've been writing about that because it is what struck me as the most important, but, if I'm being honest, it's because I don't want to focus on just how difficult this all is.

After each girl was born, people would state, "I don't know how you do it" and my answer was always, "It's not too bad, it's just become my new normal."  And, I wasn't being modest...it really was just my new normal.  I didn't have too difficult a time adjusting to less sleep, to carting kids everywhere, to screaming, to consistently dirty floors.  This is likely due to the fact I was never working full time when raising the girls the past three years...I was doing a Masters and, in the final year, completing a 20 hour a week internship...BUT, there was still time in my day to fit most everything in.

Now, I can't find a spare moment that shouldn't be dedicated to something else.  The only time I go to the gym is when I have to finish homework--fitting in a half hour workout and a shower, because I would feel like a complete failure if I went to the gym and walked out without having broken a sweat!  The only time I spend with my husband is time I should spend reading for class.  And each hour I spend playing with my girls on Mondays and Thursdays are hours that should be dedicated to research and writing and emails and....you get the point. 

Now, I know some of you are likely thinking, well, you have time to write this blog.  Yes, I do--during my 20 hour a week Graduate Assistantship.  I sometimes wonder how I would even be managing without the time this allows me to complete classwork and have a few moments to process my stressors and jumble of emotions that gather throughout a week of never slowing down.  This blog is my way of doing this, my way of making sense of the swirling thoughts, of grabbing the ones that are most effecting me and discharging them through typing.  It allows me to put the thoughts and feelings into words; rationalizing them and making them coherent and not quite so enormous and engulfing.

This hasn't become easier; I haven't gotten used to it, and I'm terrified I never will.  I feel like I am treading water, struggling to not go under, and unsure of which shore to head towards (each shore representing a different priority) and every time I think I've found direction and I'm moving forward, someone throws a pail of water in my face or calls me from the opposite shore.

With these feelings of never having enough time there is the knowledge that I am having to sacrifice one thing for another--at this point it is not just about prioritizing or skipping that one television show to make time for another, more necessary, activity.  It is really having to choose one priority over the other--every day, every activity, it feels like I am asking what is more important, Kids or School, Time With My Husband or Getting Research Under My Belt,  A Shower or Sleep, etc.  All of these things are important...not just in the here and now but in the future as well.  And, I have to admit to feeling resentful towards people who aren't having to make these choices.  Sometimes I imagine I am childless, able to spend time on research teams and actually read every article assigned, able to delve into my personal choices of research and dream big, able to take on any opportunity that comes my way in the academic world while also having time to enjoy weekly nights out with my husband and/or friends AND other times I imagine I am schoolless and workless, able to paint all day with my girls, start projects on a Monday and finish them on a Tuesday instead of a Thursday, able to take full day trips to the zoo without worrying about being home in time to have a solid two hours of homework time during the girls regularly scheduled naptime, able to sit down to real dinners with all five of us at the table all 7 nights of the week.  And, when I snap out of it, for a second I am so very jealous of the people that are able to experience either of these realities.  But, as crazy as it is, as much as I feel like I am constantly treading water, I am so thankful I have the opportunity to do this and I will, eventually, make it my new normal OR just continue to tread through the next 5 years!  The only way I will learn to deal with it is to continue to try to manage it and lean on everyone that is willing to allow me to lean.

When have you felt the most overwhelmed?  How did you manage?  Was it a long lasting process, and, if so, how did you keep your head above water?  Was it truly worth it in the end?