I have seen a disturbing trend over the past few years, and at first thought it was just my students and adolescent clients. I was attributing it more to their view of reality, life, and the rough hand they had been given paired with a blaming culture and the fact they are adolescents...but, it is MUCH more pervasive than that...and I am unsure as to how to safeguard my girls from that type of mentality.
This trend is the "It's not my fault" trend...you know, the one where your own mistakes, dumb choices, and short fallings are all someone else's responsibility. You get off free and clear and someone else is the bad guy for whatever consequences occur. You get pregnant because you didn't use birth control? Don't worry, it's his fault because he didn't have a condom or he didn't pull out. You drank too much then tried to drive home and got a ticket. Don't worry, it's the cops fault because he's an asshole and your girlfriends fault because she had to be up early and made you drive. You managed to shut down the entire government because you can't agree? Don't worry, it's all the (choose one) Republicans/Democrats fault, those damn bastards are refusing to see reason.
I admit, I too, am guilty of this...it is so much easier to blame my super tight schedule for my not having vacuumed the house or completed the laundry, or my very high stress levels and roaring headache for yelling at the girls. And, yes, those are true explanations of why I acted the way I did...but, do they really qualify as excuses? Can I really blame my yelling on my headache and stress levels, my inability to keep up with housework on my insanely busy schedule...or do I have some amount of responsibility in these instances? Could I have stayed up an extra ten minutes to vacuum or taken a "Mommy Time-Out" instead of yelling? ABSOLUTELY! But, why do that when I have built in excuses and finger pointing for every mistake that paint me as the victim and leave me free and clear of any negative consequences? The difference is, I don't believe it, I know I could have acted differently...I know I chose to act the way I did...and I admit it to myself...and now, to all of you. I am a blamer because sometimes it is so much easier because then...I'm not the bad guy and it's not my fault, at all!
This is where this line of reasoning becomes problematic in today's world. The idea of blaming the victim. A fantastic example would be that of rape. The news today has blown up the story of a young girl who, when 14, alleged rape against a 17 year old star football player. The story, as I heard it, is that the girl had been "sipping Bicardi" at home with friends then snuck out to hang out with the young man. They drank more (some sources say she was forced to drink more) and they ended up in a bedroom, alone (with the exception of a young man who video recorded the scene). They had sex, she claims she was raped; he claims she was consenting.
Now, don't shoot my head off for this, but, as a parent, I would be upset not only with the boy, but also with my daughter. I know, I know, that's "blaming the victim" BUT a young girl should be responsible for her behaviors to some extent. They should know that alcohol consumption and breaking house rules may lead to negative consequences...sometimes awful ones. As a mother of three girls I want my girls to know that the decisions they make lead them down different paths and though we can't control others' behaviors we can ALWAYS control our own and that some of those paths we choose to follow are inherently more risky than others. I'm not saying the girl in the above story deserved to be raped, nor that it is her fault, but she did engage in risky behaviors which, by definition, leaves her open to more risks. I want to teach my girls what risky behaviors are and that they are RESPONSIBLE for choosing to engage in risky behaviors, and therefore, to some extent, responsible for the consequences of the risky behavior. I don't want them to grow up in a world where ALL of the consequences of their choices lead to blaming of others and excuses, where they can break rules and laws but face no blame themselves for their choices. Imagine what the world would be like if all choices became his/her/their/its fault and not our own choice ...
It is a very slippery slope, one in which we go from not blaming a teen who drank so much she eventually passed out for the (yes, horrible and wrong) sexual assault she experienced to not blaming the mother, high on drugs, who placed her infant in the washing machine and turned it on, for the murder of her child. When is it our fault we chose to drink too much, be high on drugs, have unprotected sex, etc? When is it okay to blame it on the alcohol, the drugs, the other person? Why does it have to be one or the other...why can't more than one individual share the blame when poor decisions lead to negative consequences? Where is the line of responsibility? What do you teach your children or want to teach your children regarding their responsibility for their behaviors and the resulting consequences? When is it blaming the victim and when is it acknowledging the part one plays in choosing their life paths?
When did it become okay to blame others for our choices and how do we teach our children differently?
Added note: CLEARLY our society and culture as a whole needs to change so rape, murder, etc. are not common occurances; however, should this change the need to teach our children how to stay safe in the world as it is? In other words, because we think rape is bad and individuals should know better than to take advantage of/rape young drunken girls does that change the fact that we should teach our young girls that this can occur should they choose to be drunken?
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