It is time for a break. My brain literally feels as if it is about to explode. The semester is rounding out the second half at this point and it is time for me to start narrowing my own research ideas/topics/etc. Well, that's not entirely true...it's time to come up with two separate research proposals for two separate classes, in which I am going to write up everything but the results (because I'm no actually completing the research...just, you know, practicing the process). So, in my overachieving mind, I decided at the start of the semester that I would only do intense project like this on something that will likely tie into my future dissertation. The only problem is...I'm not quite sure what that will be...in fact, as the days go by I become increasingly more and more unsure as to what that will be which makes identifying smaller topics of interest that much more difficult!
I know, I know...quit complaining and whining and just pick something already! I would, I just don't want to do all that research, reading, and synthesizing of information for the hell of it...I want all those hours to count towards something more than just a single grade in a single class. I want to be able to build on my growing body of knowledge in a specific area semester after semester so when I do my dissertation most of the heavy background work is done already and I can focus on the actual data collection and analysis. And, it's not that I don't have ideas, it's just, I'm having trouble deciding which direction to go. Do I want to create and evaluate an intervention (which, if it is effective may lead to the ability to further develop and sell it)--don't judge me, I do have a family to support and many, many loans to pay back upon graduation! Or, do I want to look at something that I have seen occurring in classrooms, counseling centers, and the community and try to put a name to it, try to define something that has yet to be defined (BIG stuff if I could actually do it.) Do I go the easy, test retest and run numbers route or do I go the harder, in depth interviews and observations in addition to the running the numbers route? Am I a horrible mom for being pulled towards the in depth, time consuming, possibly not long term paying route?
That's the real heart of the problem for me...when does enjoying your work (in my case school right now), wanting to be challenged by it and immersed in it...make you a crappy mother? When you put your kids in an extra day of child care just so you can have time to really get into it (something I have considered doing in the coming years of study)? When you miss dance recitals, ball games, first dates? When your daughter tells you she doesn't want a Mama or doesn't love you on a daily basis because what she really wants is you to not correct her but instead hold her and love her wholeheartedly (my oldest, at only three years old, does this)? And when does being an involved mother make me a bad worker/student/researcher? When I choose to forgo a great research idea because it involves too much time? When I choose the easy way out so I can pick them up on time daily? Is it possible to be great at both? Is it possible to "lean in" to both roles? Will anything be left of me, as an individual, as a person separate from both those roles, if I do?
And...my brain still feels full...I will likely go the harder route, I will likely bust my ass to spend as much time as possible with my girls, and I will likely define myself by these roles. It may not be ideal...but, at least it is a decision I am consciously making. I will hold onto myself through what I choose to research, what I choose to do with my girls--I will allow my passions, my drive, to influence my roles. I will deposit small pieces of myself into both my work and my family so that when I lean into them, I am also leaning into the best of me.
How do you hold onto "you" throughout your roles? Do you feel as if you have a you that is separate from all your roles...or do your roles define you completely? What aspects of your life do you "lean in" to and which aspects, if any, suffer as a result? How do you handle the resulting guilt you may feel for letting things fall through the cracks?
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