I know, I know. I have been absent for much longer than my usual week between blogs. It is that time of the semester...the end...the hectic craziness of multiple papers, projects, etc. due all within two weeks...well...one week. And...of course, my kids are sick...because, why wouldn't they be?
But, to be honest, even in all the craziness, I am enjoying the buzz. The feeling of accomplishment and growth that come from completing real research proposals...ones that I may actually elaborate on and carry out...and of figuring out stats work by hand and my answers being fairly close to the computerized answers. To sit in some of my classes and soak up the information, not just because I need it to pass the test, but because I am truly interested in what is being said. I really can't complain. I am enjoying this more than I thought I would....and for once, feel like I am actually getting something substantial out of school (if only I didn't have to pay thousands upon thousands of dollars to do so.)
Basically, I found my path, my passion, my calling. I know, I know...cliche...but, so very, very true. I can't imagine any other choice for me as a person and professional in which I find so many different facets where I think "I could see myself doing that." I can't imagine anything else that would spark the constant flurry of motivation and ambition I feel on a weekly basis. Don't get me wrong...I don't love everything about it and I certainly am not so motivated that I have kicked my procrastination habit...but, I can see the end AND how most of what I am doing can lead to ends that I believe I will not only enjoy, but thrive in and provide services/ideas/etc. that make real change on an individual or systemic level. And that makes me so grateful. I feel lucky to have found my niche, my path, and to have the opportunity to follow it (and to do so while also raising a family and following yet another path of passion simultaneously.)
It's not always easy and it's not always interesting. Sometimes...most times...I'm stressed and tired and feel as if I'm dragging myself along. But, when I step back and take a minute to really look at it outside of that stress and exhaustion, I'm so happy I'm here, in this place in my life, and I can't imagine being as content and fulfilled in any other possible place or situation.
What have you done that even through the difficult path of completion you've enjoyed? Have you, like me, been able to find a path that sparks your interest, your passion? If you have, do you feel that you get more accomplished and attempt more of the "impossible" than you would have (or have in the past) in areas in which you are less interested/passionate? If you have not found that path, are you trying to find it, trying to follow your passions in some way or form? or have you given up? What would it take in your life to inspire you to try to find that path?
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Is it Ever OK to Hide a Part of Yourself to Reach Your Goals?
This past week in one of my classes we were discussing personal disclosures and if and when they should be used with clients. We also discussed how things that we wear, say, do, etc. are all disclosures and that we should be aware of them--an example would be wearing a wedding band.
Anyways, this made me think of my process of preparing to apply for doctoral studies and the debate that raged in my mind regarding whether or not I should disclose the fact I had children. The debate went something like this:
for disclosing: You should definitely tell them you have kids. It should be a part of your personal statement; it's one of the main reasons you even considered going on to pursue a doctorate.
against: NO! They might read that and believe you have your hands too full. They may decide you can't make it...there's no way someone will hear you have two very small children and one of the way and think that you can hack the world of doctoral studies.
for: Maybe it will show I'm motivated and ambitious. That's important right?
against: Yeah, if you can actually make your ambition and motivation lead to something worthwhile. Will they believe you can actually do that with small kids at home. Don't say anything.
for: But...but...these kids are a part of me. I don't want to lie but I also want to show the strength I have that I wouldn't have had without them. Plus, I don't really want to get in somewhere that feels that way then announce that I have kids.
You get the idea. This went back and forth, back and forth. I actually wrote two different personal statements and I have to admit the one with the kids included was more powerful...and more authentic. In the end, I didn't even have to make the decision because one of my letters of recommendation flat out stated that I had very small children. I have to be honest, I breathed a sigh of relief at that because my choice was made.
However, when looking back I find myself wondering how it could have turned out very differently. What if that professor didn't send me a copy of the letter and I sent in the against disclosing statement...would that have made me look like I was hiding something or like a neglectful mother? Or would I have gotten into a different school, one that prided itself in being rigorous, and found myself in a setting that was unsupportive and not understanding?
What would I have done if that professor had not included my children in his letter? I'd like to think I still would've gone with the for disclosing statement because it was the honest statement, because it was the complete picture of me--both positives and negatives. But, putting myself out there like that...letting people who are judging me in one aspect of my life know that other aspects may influence that which they are judging in both positive and negative ways is terrifying.
When you have a drive to be "the best of the best", you don't want others thinking anything stand in your way...even if it is your own children. Where is that line between motivation and obsession? I'm not quite sure and sometimes I wonder if I flirt a little to closely with the obsession line when it comes to school work and professional obligations--possibly saying yes to more than I should, putting in more to basic assignments than I need to--and it worries me what I may be losing in the process. THIS is why I hope I would've included the statement acknowledging my girls...because it shows motivation, but not a single minded obsessiveness that is willing to ignore a large part of me in order to reach it's (my) goals.
Have you ever glossed over a role you play or part of who you are in order to achieve a goal you had that may not have meshed well with that part you glossed over? Was it worth it? Did you have to deal with negative consequences, either interpersonally or intrapersonally? Did you eventually come clean? Or, have you, like me, chosen to show that part you so desperately wanted to hide? Why did you decide to go that route? How did it end?
Anyways, this made me think of my process of preparing to apply for doctoral studies and the debate that raged in my mind regarding whether or not I should disclose the fact I had children. The debate went something like this:
for disclosing: You should definitely tell them you have kids. It should be a part of your personal statement; it's one of the main reasons you even considered going on to pursue a doctorate.
against: NO! They might read that and believe you have your hands too full. They may decide you can't make it...there's no way someone will hear you have two very small children and one of the way and think that you can hack the world of doctoral studies.
for: Maybe it will show I'm motivated and ambitious. That's important right?
against: Yeah, if you can actually make your ambition and motivation lead to something worthwhile. Will they believe you can actually do that with small kids at home. Don't say anything.
for: But...but...these kids are a part of me. I don't want to lie but I also want to show the strength I have that I wouldn't have had without them. Plus, I don't really want to get in somewhere that feels that way then announce that I have kids.
You get the idea. This went back and forth, back and forth. I actually wrote two different personal statements and I have to admit the one with the kids included was more powerful...and more authentic. In the end, I didn't even have to make the decision because one of my letters of recommendation flat out stated that I had very small children. I have to be honest, I breathed a sigh of relief at that because my choice was made.
However, when looking back I find myself wondering how it could have turned out very differently. What if that professor didn't send me a copy of the letter and I sent in the against disclosing statement...would that have made me look like I was hiding something or like a neglectful mother? Or would I have gotten into a different school, one that prided itself in being rigorous, and found myself in a setting that was unsupportive and not understanding?
What would I have done if that professor had not included my children in his letter? I'd like to think I still would've gone with the for disclosing statement because it was the honest statement, because it was the complete picture of me--both positives and negatives. But, putting myself out there like that...letting people who are judging me in one aspect of my life know that other aspects may influence that which they are judging in both positive and negative ways is terrifying.
When you have a drive to be "the best of the best", you don't want others thinking anything stand in your way...even if it is your own children. Where is that line between motivation and obsession? I'm not quite sure and sometimes I wonder if I flirt a little to closely with the obsession line when it comes to school work and professional obligations--possibly saying yes to more than I should, putting in more to basic assignments than I need to--and it worries me what I may be losing in the process. THIS is why I hope I would've included the statement acknowledging my girls...because it shows motivation, but not a single minded obsessiveness that is willing to ignore a large part of me in order to reach it's (my) goals.
Have you ever glossed over a role you play or part of who you are in order to achieve a goal you had that may not have meshed well with that part you glossed over? Was it worth it? Did you have to deal with negative consequences, either interpersonally or intrapersonally? Did you eventually come clean? Or, have you, like me, chosen to show that part you so desperately wanted to hide? Why did you decide to go that route? How did it end?
Friday, November 15, 2013
Am I an Imposter?
There's a theory that was discussed in the November issue of GradPSYCH focused on the Imposter Phenomenon that fit me to a "T". In fact, I took the online rating scale, offered at www.apa.org/gradPSYCH/digital/imposter.aspx (click on the circled triangle next to the smiley face to take the assessment yourself) and scored a whopping 93--a score of 80 or higher is considered displaying such extreme characteristics of Imposter Phenomenon that it likely interferes with your everyday life.
Is it hard to admit to yourself that you may not be able to do any better than you currently are? Have you ever struggled with accepting praise? Do you ever feel like one of your successes was a fluke and there's no way you could replicate it? If you answered yes to these, you may also experience feelings related to the Imposter Phenomenon.
This phenomenon, considered a very specific form of self doubt, suggests that there are individual's who experience success but are unable to internalize and accept these successes. In these cases, the individual's feel they got as far as they have due to luck and that at any moment someone will unmask them as a fraud. Dr. Suzanne Imes suggests that in today's society there can be confusion between worthiness of love and approval, making individuals believe self-worth is contingent upon achievement.
Additionally, it has been suggested that this phenomenon tends to be more common in individual's embarking on a new endeavor as well as more pronounced in individuals differing in any significant way from the majority of ones peers (such as race, gender, or sexual orientation.)
I've always had a propensity towards feeling like a fraud. I always felt that I didn't deserve the grades I got, because I didn't study like I should have, or I didn't really understand that topic, I just guessed. However, add to this predisposition the fact I have just recently entered the world of motherhood and the world of doctoral studies and you find me squarely within the two areas in which individuals tend to experience more Imposter Phenomenon characteristics--new endeavors and being markedly different from my peers.
And, it's not that my peers treat me any differently or are really all that different from me...it just makes me feel more "other" in my own head. I tell myself I am different. I tell myself I can't reach the same levels in research and academics as them because I am a fraud, I mean, I can't really be a full time student and a full time mom at the same time, can I?
Then....I feel like a fraud at home. I can't properly manage my daughters screaming temper tantrums. I lose my temper far more often than I would like. I know yelling at children can cause emotional damage and yet, sometimes, I can't help myself. Not only do I suck at this parenting thing, I chastise myself, but I also can't even apply my professional knowledge to the situation.
I recently had a friend tell me that she didn't "know anyone else who can handle the responsibility you do with the grace and poise that you handle it with" and my first thought was, "Ha, if only she knew." I shared with my husband that I feel like screaming when people ask me how I do it or comment on how I've "got it all together" because they can't see the scotch tape and wet glue I actually have holding it together (or, if we want to be literal, sleepless nights, plagues of doubt, and bribes of treats to get my kids to behave on the required weekly grocery outings).
It's nice to know I'm not alone in these feelings. To know that it is a somewhat "normal" occurrence...well, at least normal enough to be considered a phenomenon and not a debilitating disability.
The thing that's not so nice is dealing with it. I want to be proud of my accomplishments, I want to recognize my hard work and accept praise that I so truly deserve. I want to see the positives in my own life. I can see it all intellectually--my grades, my ambition, my abilities, my strengths, my potential, and most of all the strong, intelligent, beautiful girls I'm having such a large hand in raising...but in the day to day, in the here and now, I often see only my weaknesses, my failures, my inabilities and the tantrums, the "I hate you"s, the fighting. When someone points out a strength or a success, I immediately and automatically respond with, yeah, but, look at this weakness or this failure. I realize I'm doing myself a disservice...but, I'm not really sure how to turn around this way of viewing myself.
The article had a few tips--Talk to your mentors, Remember what you do well, Realize no one is perfect, Change your Thinking, and Talk to someone who can help.
So...here is my tip by tip plan for shaking the imposter phenomenon and being able to live happily within my own successes.
Tip 1: Talk to your Mentors: Begin the search for a mentor--someone not in my program as I wouldn't want to discuss in depth these feelings and worries with a professor who may have me in a future class. Someone I trust to tell it to me straight, so to speak, and highlight both areas to work on and strengths so I don't feel as if the strengths are just bs to make me feel better about myself.
Tip 2: Recognize your expertise: Try to work out my schedule so I can work with the intro to counseling techniques masters level class, allowing me to share my experience and skills with those who have yet to develop them. Attempt to share experience with those Scholars in my graduate assistantship department who are interested in applying to psychology graduate school.
Tip 3: Remember what you do well: List things I do well and areas that legitimately need work, but never allow the areas for work list exceed the do well list. Start now! Three things I do well are build rapport with adolescent clients, acknowledge and name my own feelings, manage the "no"s my two year old so thoroughly enjoys employing at this stage of her development.
Tip 4: Realize no one is perfect: This one I've tricked myself into believing I don't need--I always tell myself "It is what it is" and I did it "well enough" but the truth is, I don't really believe either of those. It is what I make it and well enough doesn't get a 4.0 or develop children to their fullest potentials. I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but when I look at it this way, maybe I am. It will be a long hard struggle for me to accept this one...but I can work on being more grateful for the successes I encounter.
Tip 5: Change your Thinking: This is about reframing. I need to realize that though I play a large role in my girls' lives, other people are also helping to shape them, so if I'm not the perfect mom at all times it will be okay, they will be okay. (That sentence was actually difficult to write...it's so hard for me to even view myself as not attempting to do the best I possibly can at all times).
Tip 6: Talk to Someone who can help: This is an option that I may utilize if I begin to experience the feelings of anxiety or depression typical to individuals attempting to manage intense feelings of Imposter Phenomenon. Though, I will continue to employ my cohort, my husband, my friends, and my family to ward off these feelings and to help me stay grounded in my successes instead of clouded by my failures.
Have you ever dealt with feelings of Imposter Phenomenon? How did you manage them?
References
Weir, Kirsten. (2013). Feel like a fraud? gradPSYCH, 11(4), 24-27.
Is it hard to admit to yourself that you may not be able to do any better than you currently are? Have you ever struggled with accepting praise? Do you ever feel like one of your successes was a fluke and there's no way you could replicate it? If you answered yes to these, you may also experience feelings related to the Imposter Phenomenon.
This phenomenon, considered a very specific form of self doubt, suggests that there are individual's who experience success but are unable to internalize and accept these successes. In these cases, the individual's feel they got as far as they have due to luck and that at any moment someone will unmask them as a fraud. Dr. Suzanne Imes suggests that in today's society there can be confusion between worthiness of love and approval, making individuals believe self-worth is contingent upon achievement.
Additionally, it has been suggested that this phenomenon tends to be more common in individual's embarking on a new endeavor as well as more pronounced in individuals differing in any significant way from the majority of ones peers (such as race, gender, or sexual orientation.)
I've always had a propensity towards feeling like a fraud. I always felt that I didn't deserve the grades I got, because I didn't study like I should have, or I didn't really understand that topic, I just guessed. However, add to this predisposition the fact I have just recently entered the world of motherhood and the world of doctoral studies and you find me squarely within the two areas in which individuals tend to experience more Imposter Phenomenon characteristics--new endeavors and being markedly different from my peers.
And, it's not that my peers treat me any differently or are really all that different from me...it just makes me feel more "other" in my own head. I tell myself I am different. I tell myself I can't reach the same levels in research and academics as them because I am a fraud, I mean, I can't really be a full time student and a full time mom at the same time, can I?
Then....I feel like a fraud at home. I can't properly manage my daughters screaming temper tantrums. I lose my temper far more often than I would like. I know yelling at children can cause emotional damage and yet, sometimes, I can't help myself. Not only do I suck at this parenting thing, I chastise myself, but I also can't even apply my professional knowledge to the situation.
I recently had a friend tell me that she didn't "know anyone else who can handle the responsibility you do with the grace and poise that you handle it with" and my first thought was, "Ha, if only she knew." I shared with my husband that I feel like screaming when people ask me how I do it or comment on how I've "got it all together" because they can't see the scotch tape and wet glue I actually have holding it together (or, if we want to be literal, sleepless nights, plagues of doubt, and bribes of treats to get my kids to behave on the required weekly grocery outings).
It's nice to know I'm not alone in these feelings. To know that it is a somewhat "normal" occurrence...well, at least normal enough to be considered a phenomenon and not a debilitating disability.
The thing that's not so nice is dealing with it. I want to be proud of my accomplishments, I want to recognize my hard work and accept praise that I so truly deserve. I want to see the positives in my own life. I can see it all intellectually--my grades, my ambition, my abilities, my strengths, my potential, and most of all the strong, intelligent, beautiful girls I'm having such a large hand in raising...but in the day to day, in the here and now, I often see only my weaknesses, my failures, my inabilities and the tantrums, the "I hate you"s, the fighting. When someone points out a strength or a success, I immediately and automatically respond with, yeah, but, look at this weakness or this failure. I realize I'm doing myself a disservice...but, I'm not really sure how to turn around this way of viewing myself.
The article had a few tips--Talk to your mentors, Remember what you do well, Realize no one is perfect, Change your Thinking, and Talk to someone who can help.
So...here is my tip by tip plan for shaking the imposter phenomenon and being able to live happily within my own successes.
Tip 1: Talk to your Mentors: Begin the search for a mentor--someone not in my program as I wouldn't want to discuss in depth these feelings and worries with a professor who may have me in a future class. Someone I trust to tell it to me straight, so to speak, and highlight both areas to work on and strengths so I don't feel as if the strengths are just bs to make me feel better about myself.
Tip 2: Recognize your expertise: Try to work out my schedule so I can work with the intro to counseling techniques masters level class, allowing me to share my experience and skills with those who have yet to develop them. Attempt to share experience with those Scholars in my graduate assistantship department who are interested in applying to psychology graduate school.
Tip 3: Remember what you do well: List things I do well and areas that legitimately need work, but never allow the areas for work list exceed the do well list. Start now! Three things I do well are build rapport with adolescent clients, acknowledge and name my own feelings, manage the "no"s my two year old so thoroughly enjoys employing at this stage of her development.
Tip 4: Realize no one is perfect: This one I've tricked myself into believing I don't need--I always tell myself "It is what it is" and I did it "well enough" but the truth is, I don't really believe either of those. It is what I make it and well enough doesn't get a 4.0 or develop children to their fullest potentials. I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but when I look at it this way, maybe I am. It will be a long hard struggle for me to accept this one...but I can work on being more grateful for the successes I encounter.
Tip 5: Change your Thinking: This is about reframing. I need to realize that though I play a large role in my girls' lives, other people are also helping to shape them, so if I'm not the perfect mom at all times it will be okay, they will be okay. (That sentence was actually difficult to write...it's so hard for me to even view myself as not attempting to do the best I possibly can at all times).
Tip 6: Talk to Someone who can help: This is an option that I may utilize if I begin to experience the feelings of anxiety or depression typical to individuals attempting to manage intense feelings of Imposter Phenomenon. Though, I will continue to employ my cohort, my husband, my friends, and my family to ward off these feelings and to help me stay grounded in my successes instead of clouded by my failures.
Have you ever dealt with feelings of Imposter Phenomenon? How did you manage them?
References
Weir, Kirsten. (2013). Feel like a fraud? gradPSYCH, 11(4), 24-27.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Overwhelmed, but let's be honest, I did it to myself :)
Overwhelmed...what a small word to describe such a large feeling. Can that one word truly describe the weight I feel right now, with all sides crushing in around me? Can it truly embody my experience of life throwing curve balls at me right as the crunch time of the semester begins? Can that word fully portray my stress, my failed attempts to prioritize, my feeling of being so far buried that maybe it's not even worth attempting to dig out?
NO. Yet, it's the only word we have to describe and classify these feelings. It's not just stress. It's not just depression. It's not just frustration, anxiety, or feeling lost. It's an all-encompassing mash up of all of these...one that clouds any successes, erases any hope, laughs in the face of your belief that your silly to do list will help you create a plan to get out from under its weight. It's that feeling of being a camel one straw away from breaking its back--the knowledge that one more thing, just one more insignificant little thing, will break you.
I know many, if not all, of you have been here. Whether it was life throwing you more than you thought you could handle, the last three-six weeks of a school semester when it seems that 90% of your entire 14 weeks worth of assignments are placed, or being in a room with a child or children that just won't stop screaming. Or maybe you, like me, have experienced all of these at once. Whatever your most overwhelmed moment was up until this point you clearly made it through. You may have felt broken, trampled, and/or lost...but you made it...you survived. And, hopefully it made you stronger, more resilient, more ready to take on those feelings that are way to ominous to be embodied by one tiny word.
For those of you who struggle with feeling overwhelmed, who find themselves giving up when those feelings begin to build, let me share with you how I manage it. Many people ask me how I do it. How I raise a very young family, work part time, and work towards my doctorate degree. I usually tell them, I just do. But, that's not the real answer. The real answer is I choose to fight the feeling of being overwhelmed. I do my best to bar those feelings from clouding my successes, erasing my hope, and taking away my belief that planning and pushing will lead to erasing those feelings.
Granted, this is not an easy process, but I look at it as choosing to survive rather than worry over my ability to meet every demand. I take my semester one day, one assignment at a time. I start each day with my girls as a new day and when I feel my patience slipping, which it seems to be doing by 8:30 am these days, I hold whichever one is starting to drive me crazy (if they allow me to) for a full minute, reminding myself that not every moment with her is a mini hell.
I remind myself, and, this is the important part, force myself to believe that there is an end in sight. That I am alive, that things can be so much worse, and that those things that are weighing down on me are actually things I am so very grateful for, that I would be lost without, that I could lose if I do not continue to fight and survive.
I don't want to spend my life with the mentality that life sucks and then you die and if I allow myself to spend the next five years feeling overwhelmed that will truly be my life. My life does not suck. It is hard at times and often I feel like I can't get out from under it, can't find a moment to "be me" but then I realize how I handle life, how I view life, how I manage being under it defines me. It is me. I am an individual who thrives when overwhelmed, who purposefully adds and adds and adds to my plate until it is at that point. I am overwhelmed because I want so much out of life, yet life wants so much out of me. It's a give and take and being overwhelmed is the part where you feel life is taking more from you than you are taking from it.
Good news! The pendulum almost always swings back. My plan, humble and possibly stupid as it may be, is to not only allow life to take what it needs from me, but to give it my all with the hope that pushing into it allows me to receive more when it is time for the pendulum to swing back in my direction, to receive respite from feeling overwhelmed and build my own resiliency and strength.
When were you at your most overwhelmed? How do you manage? Do you see it as an obstacle to overcome or a learning and growing process?
NO. Yet, it's the only word we have to describe and classify these feelings. It's not just stress. It's not just depression. It's not just frustration, anxiety, or feeling lost. It's an all-encompassing mash up of all of these...one that clouds any successes, erases any hope, laughs in the face of your belief that your silly to do list will help you create a plan to get out from under its weight. It's that feeling of being a camel one straw away from breaking its back--the knowledge that one more thing, just one more insignificant little thing, will break you.
I know many, if not all, of you have been here. Whether it was life throwing you more than you thought you could handle, the last three-six weeks of a school semester when it seems that 90% of your entire 14 weeks worth of assignments are placed, or being in a room with a child or children that just won't stop screaming. Or maybe you, like me, have experienced all of these at once. Whatever your most overwhelmed moment was up until this point you clearly made it through. You may have felt broken, trampled, and/or lost...but you made it...you survived. And, hopefully it made you stronger, more resilient, more ready to take on those feelings that are way to ominous to be embodied by one tiny word.
For those of you who struggle with feeling overwhelmed, who find themselves giving up when those feelings begin to build, let me share with you how I manage it. Many people ask me how I do it. How I raise a very young family, work part time, and work towards my doctorate degree. I usually tell them, I just do. But, that's not the real answer. The real answer is I choose to fight the feeling of being overwhelmed. I do my best to bar those feelings from clouding my successes, erasing my hope, and taking away my belief that planning and pushing will lead to erasing those feelings.
Granted, this is not an easy process, but I look at it as choosing to survive rather than worry over my ability to meet every demand. I take my semester one day, one assignment at a time. I start each day with my girls as a new day and when I feel my patience slipping, which it seems to be doing by 8:30 am these days, I hold whichever one is starting to drive me crazy (if they allow me to) for a full minute, reminding myself that not every moment with her is a mini hell.
I remind myself, and, this is the important part, force myself to believe that there is an end in sight. That I am alive, that things can be so much worse, and that those things that are weighing down on me are actually things I am so very grateful for, that I would be lost without, that I could lose if I do not continue to fight and survive.
I don't want to spend my life with the mentality that life sucks and then you die and if I allow myself to spend the next five years feeling overwhelmed that will truly be my life. My life does not suck. It is hard at times and often I feel like I can't get out from under it, can't find a moment to "be me" but then I realize how I handle life, how I view life, how I manage being under it defines me. It is me. I am an individual who thrives when overwhelmed, who purposefully adds and adds and adds to my plate until it is at that point. I am overwhelmed because I want so much out of life, yet life wants so much out of me. It's a give and take and being overwhelmed is the part where you feel life is taking more from you than you are taking from it.
Good news! The pendulum almost always swings back. My plan, humble and possibly stupid as it may be, is to not only allow life to take what it needs from me, but to give it my all with the hope that pushing into it allows me to receive more when it is time for the pendulum to swing back in my direction, to receive respite from feeling overwhelmed and build my own resiliency and strength.
When were you at your most overwhelmed? How do you manage? Do you see it as an obstacle to overcome or a learning and growing process?
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Holding On To Me Across My Roles
It is time for a break. My brain literally feels as if it is about to explode. The semester is rounding out the second half at this point and it is time for me to start narrowing my own research ideas/topics/etc. Well, that's not entirely true...it's time to come up with two separate research proposals for two separate classes, in which I am going to write up everything but the results (because I'm no actually completing the research...just, you know, practicing the process). So, in my overachieving mind, I decided at the start of the semester that I would only do intense project like this on something that will likely tie into my future dissertation. The only problem is...I'm not quite sure what that will be...in fact, as the days go by I become increasingly more and more unsure as to what that will be which makes identifying smaller topics of interest that much more difficult!
I know, I know...quit complaining and whining and just pick something already! I would, I just don't want to do all that research, reading, and synthesizing of information for the hell of it...I want all those hours to count towards something more than just a single grade in a single class. I want to be able to build on my growing body of knowledge in a specific area semester after semester so when I do my dissertation most of the heavy background work is done already and I can focus on the actual data collection and analysis. And, it's not that I don't have ideas, it's just, I'm having trouble deciding which direction to go. Do I want to create and evaluate an intervention (which, if it is effective may lead to the ability to further develop and sell it)--don't judge me, I do have a family to support and many, many loans to pay back upon graduation! Or, do I want to look at something that I have seen occurring in classrooms, counseling centers, and the community and try to put a name to it, try to define something that has yet to be defined (BIG stuff if I could actually do it.) Do I go the easy, test retest and run numbers route or do I go the harder, in depth interviews and observations in addition to the running the numbers route? Am I a horrible mom for being pulled towards the in depth, time consuming, possibly not long term paying route?
That's the real heart of the problem for me...when does enjoying your work (in my case school right now), wanting to be challenged by it and immersed in it...make you a crappy mother? When you put your kids in an extra day of child care just so you can have time to really get into it (something I have considered doing in the coming years of study)? When you miss dance recitals, ball games, first dates? When your daughter tells you she doesn't want a Mama or doesn't love you on a daily basis because what she really wants is you to not correct her but instead hold her and love her wholeheartedly (my oldest, at only three years old, does this)? And when does being an involved mother make me a bad worker/student/researcher? When I choose to forgo a great research idea because it involves too much time? When I choose the easy way out so I can pick them up on time daily? Is it possible to be great at both? Is it possible to "lean in" to both roles? Will anything be left of me, as an individual, as a person separate from both those roles, if I do?
And...my brain still feels full...I will likely go the harder route, I will likely bust my ass to spend as much time as possible with my girls, and I will likely define myself by these roles. It may not be ideal...but, at least it is a decision I am consciously making. I will hold onto myself through what I choose to research, what I choose to do with my girls--I will allow my passions, my drive, to influence my roles. I will deposit small pieces of myself into both my work and my family so that when I lean into them, I am also leaning into the best of me.
How do you hold onto "you" throughout your roles? Do you feel as if you have a you that is separate from all your roles...or do your roles define you completely? What aspects of your life do you "lean in" to and which aspects, if any, suffer as a result? How do you handle the resulting guilt you may feel for letting things fall through the cracks?
I know, I know...quit complaining and whining and just pick something already! I would, I just don't want to do all that research, reading, and synthesizing of information for the hell of it...I want all those hours to count towards something more than just a single grade in a single class. I want to be able to build on my growing body of knowledge in a specific area semester after semester so when I do my dissertation most of the heavy background work is done already and I can focus on the actual data collection and analysis. And, it's not that I don't have ideas, it's just, I'm having trouble deciding which direction to go. Do I want to create and evaluate an intervention (which, if it is effective may lead to the ability to further develop and sell it)--don't judge me, I do have a family to support and many, many loans to pay back upon graduation! Or, do I want to look at something that I have seen occurring in classrooms, counseling centers, and the community and try to put a name to it, try to define something that has yet to be defined (BIG stuff if I could actually do it.) Do I go the easy, test retest and run numbers route or do I go the harder, in depth interviews and observations in addition to the running the numbers route? Am I a horrible mom for being pulled towards the in depth, time consuming, possibly not long term paying route?
That's the real heart of the problem for me...when does enjoying your work (in my case school right now), wanting to be challenged by it and immersed in it...make you a crappy mother? When you put your kids in an extra day of child care just so you can have time to really get into it (something I have considered doing in the coming years of study)? When you miss dance recitals, ball games, first dates? When your daughter tells you she doesn't want a Mama or doesn't love you on a daily basis because what she really wants is you to not correct her but instead hold her and love her wholeheartedly (my oldest, at only three years old, does this)? And when does being an involved mother make me a bad worker/student/researcher? When I choose to forgo a great research idea because it involves too much time? When I choose the easy way out so I can pick them up on time daily? Is it possible to be great at both? Is it possible to "lean in" to both roles? Will anything be left of me, as an individual, as a person separate from both those roles, if I do?
And...my brain still feels full...I will likely go the harder route, I will likely bust my ass to spend as much time as possible with my girls, and I will likely define myself by these roles. It may not be ideal...but, at least it is a decision I am consciously making. I will hold onto myself through what I choose to research, what I choose to do with my girls--I will allow my passions, my drive, to influence my roles. I will deposit small pieces of myself into both my work and my family so that when I lean into them, I am also leaning into the best of me.
How do you hold onto "you" throughout your roles? Do you feel as if you have a you that is separate from all your roles...or do your roles define you completely? What aspects of your life do you "lean in" to and which aspects, if any, suffer as a result? How do you handle the resulting guilt you may feel for letting things fall through the cracks?
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
It's not "becoming my new normal"
Okay, I've been shying away from writing about the enormity of balancing school, kids, research, work, and life in general...instead focusing mostly on the large part of my life that is parenting and trying to raise girls that will thrive in today's world. I want to say I've been writing about that because it is what struck me as the most important, but, if I'm being honest, it's because I don't want to focus on just how difficult this all is.
After each girl was born, people would state, "I don't know how you do it" and my answer was always, "It's not too bad, it's just become my new normal." And, I wasn't being modest...it really was just my new normal. I didn't have too difficult a time adjusting to less sleep, to carting kids everywhere, to screaming, to consistently dirty floors. This is likely due to the fact I was never working full time when raising the girls the past three years...I was doing a Masters and, in the final year, completing a 20 hour a week internship...BUT, there was still time in my day to fit most everything in.
Now, I can't find a spare moment that shouldn't be dedicated to something else. The only time I go to the gym is when I have to finish homework--fitting in a half hour workout and a shower, because I would feel like a complete failure if I went to the gym and walked out without having broken a sweat! The only time I spend with my husband is time I should spend reading for class. And each hour I spend playing with my girls on Mondays and Thursdays are hours that should be dedicated to research and writing and emails and....you get the point.
Now, I know some of you are likely thinking, well, you have time to write this blog. Yes, I do--during my 20 hour a week Graduate Assistantship. I sometimes wonder how I would even be managing without the time this allows me to complete classwork and have a few moments to process my stressors and jumble of emotions that gather throughout a week of never slowing down. This blog is my way of doing this, my way of making sense of the swirling thoughts, of grabbing the ones that are most effecting me and discharging them through typing. It allows me to put the thoughts and feelings into words; rationalizing them and making them coherent and not quite so enormous and engulfing.
This hasn't become easier; I haven't gotten used to it, and I'm terrified I never will. I feel like I am treading water, struggling to not go under, and unsure of which shore to head towards (each shore representing a different priority) and every time I think I've found direction and I'm moving forward, someone throws a pail of water in my face or calls me from the opposite shore.
With these feelings of never having enough time there is the knowledge that I am having to sacrifice one thing for another--at this point it is not just about prioritizing or skipping that one television show to make time for another, more necessary, activity. It is really having to choose one priority over the other--every day, every activity, it feels like I am asking what is more important, Kids or School, Time With My Husband or Getting Research Under My Belt, A Shower or Sleep, etc. All of these things are important...not just in the here and now but in the future as well. And, I have to admit to feeling resentful towards people who aren't having to make these choices. Sometimes I imagine I am childless, able to spend time on research teams and actually read every article assigned, able to delve into my personal choices of research and dream big, able to take on any opportunity that comes my way in the academic world while also having time to enjoy weekly nights out with my husband and/or friends AND other times I imagine I am schoolless and workless, able to paint all day with my girls, start projects on a Monday and finish them on a Tuesday instead of a Thursday, able to take full day trips to the zoo without worrying about being home in time to have a solid two hours of homework time during the girls regularly scheduled naptime, able to sit down to real dinners with all five of us at the table all 7 nights of the week. And, when I snap out of it, for a second I am so very jealous of the people that are able to experience either of these realities. But, as crazy as it is, as much as I feel like I am constantly treading water, I am so thankful I have the opportunity to do this and I will, eventually, make it my new normal OR just continue to tread through the next 5 years! The only way I will learn to deal with it is to continue to try to manage it and lean on everyone that is willing to allow me to lean.
When have you felt the most overwhelmed? How did you manage? Was it a long lasting process, and, if so, how did you keep your head above water? Was it truly worth it in the end?
After each girl was born, people would state, "I don't know how you do it" and my answer was always, "It's not too bad, it's just become my new normal." And, I wasn't being modest...it really was just my new normal. I didn't have too difficult a time adjusting to less sleep, to carting kids everywhere, to screaming, to consistently dirty floors. This is likely due to the fact I was never working full time when raising the girls the past three years...I was doing a Masters and, in the final year, completing a 20 hour a week internship...BUT, there was still time in my day to fit most everything in.
Now, I can't find a spare moment that shouldn't be dedicated to something else. The only time I go to the gym is when I have to finish homework--fitting in a half hour workout and a shower, because I would feel like a complete failure if I went to the gym and walked out without having broken a sweat! The only time I spend with my husband is time I should spend reading for class. And each hour I spend playing with my girls on Mondays and Thursdays are hours that should be dedicated to research and writing and emails and....you get the point.
Now, I know some of you are likely thinking, well, you have time to write this blog. Yes, I do--during my 20 hour a week Graduate Assistantship. I sometimes wonder how I would even be managing without the time this allows me to complete classwork and have a few moments to process my stressors and jumble of emotions that gather throughout a week of never slowing down. This blog is my way of doing this, my way of making sense of the swirling thoughts, of grabbing the ones that are most effecting me and discharging them through typing. It allows me to put the thoughts and feelings into words; rationalizing them and making them coherent and not quite so enormous and engulfing.
This hasn't become easier; I haven't gotten used to it, and I'm terrified I never will. I feel like I am treading water, struggling to not go under, and unsure of which shore to head towards (each shore representing a different priority) and every time I think I've found direction and I'm moving forward, someone throws a pail of water in my face or calls me from the opposite shore.
With these feelings of never having enough time there is the knowledge that I am having to sacrifice one thing for another--at this point it is not just about prioritizing or skipping that one television show to make time for another, more necessary, activity. It is really having to choose one priority over the other--every day, every activity, it feels like I am asking what is more important, Kids or School, Time With My Husband or Getting Research Under My Belt, A Shower or Sleep, etc. All of these things are important...not just in the here and now but in the future as well. And, I have to admit to feeling resentful towards people who aren't having to make these choices. Sometimes I imagine I am childless, able to spend time on research teams and actually read every article assigned, able to delve into my personal choices of research and dream big, able to take on any opportunity that comes my way in the academic world while also having time to enjoy weekly nights out with my husband and/or friends AND other times I imagine I am schoolless and workless, able to paint all day with my girls, start projects on a Monday and finish them on a Tuesday instead of a Thursday, able to take full day trips to the zoo without worrying about being home in time to have a solid two hours of homework time during the girls regularly scheduled naptime, able to sit down to real dinners with all five of us at the table all 7 nights of the week. And, when I snap out of it, for a second I am so very jealous of the people that are able to experience either of these realities. But, as crazy as it is, as much as I feel like I am constantly treading water, I am so thankful I have the opportunity to do this and I will, eventually, make it my new normal OR just continue to tread through the next 5 years! The only way I will learn to deal with it is to continue to try to manage it and lean on everyone that is willing to allow me to lean.
When have you felt the most overwhelmed? How did you manage? Was it a long lasting process, and, if so, how did you keep your head above water? Was it truly worth it in the end?
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Responsible for Own Actions...?
I have seen a disturbing trend over the past few years, and at first thought it was just my students and adolescent clients. I was attributing it more to their view of reality, life, and the rough hand they had been given paired with a blaming culture and the fact they are adolescents...but, it is MUCH more pervasive than that...and I am unsure as to how to safeguard my girls from that type of mentality.
This trend is the "It's not my fault" trend...you know, the one where your own mistakes, dumb choices, and short fallings are all someone else's responsibility. You get off free and clear and someone else is the bad guy for whatever consequences occur. You get pregnant because you didn't use birth control? Don't worry, it's his fault because he didn't have a condom or he didn't pull out. You drank too much then tried to drive home and got a ticket. Don't worry, it's the cops fault because he's an asshole and your girlfriends fault because she had to be up early and made you drive. You managed to shut down the entire government because you can't agree? Don't worry, it's all the (choose one) Republicans/Democrats fault, those damn bastards are refusing to see reason.
I admit, I too, am guilty of this...it is so much easier to blame my super tight schedule for my not having vacuumed the house or completed the laundry, or my very high stress levels and roaring headache for yelling at the girls. And, yes, those are true explanations of why I acted the way I did...but, do they really qualify as excuses? Can I really blame my yelling on my headache and stress levels, my inability to keep up with housework on my insanely busy schedule...or do I have some amount of responsibility in these instances? Could I have stayed up an extra ten minutes to vacuum or taken a "Mommy Time-Out" instead of yelling? ABSOLUTELY! But, why do that when I have built in excuses and finger pointing for every mistake that paint me as the victim and leave me free and clear of any negative consequences? The difference is, I don't believe it, I know I could have acted differently...I know I chose to act the way I did...and I admit it to myself...and now, to all of you. I am a blamer because sometimes it is so much easier because then...I'm not the bad guy and it's not my fault, at all!
This is where this line of reasoning becomes problematic in today's world. The idea of blaming the victim. A fantastic example would be that of rape. The news today has blown up the story of a young girl who, when 14, alleged rape against a 17 year old star football player. The story, as I heard it, is that the girl had been "sipping Bicardi" at home with friends then snuck out to hang out with the young man. They drank more (some sources say she was forced to drink more) and they ended up in a bedroom, alone (with the exception of a young man who video recorded the scene). They had sex, she claims she was raped; he claims she was consenting.
Now, don't shoot my head off for this, but, as a parent, I would be upset not only with the boy, but also with my daughter. I know, I know, that's "blaming the victim" BUT a young girl should be responsible for her behaviors to some extent. They should know that alcohol consumption and breaking house rules may lead to negative consequences...sometimes awful ones. As a mother of three girls I want my girls to know that the decisions they make lead them down different paths and though we can't control others' behaviors we can ALWAYS control our own and that some of those paths we choose to follow are inherently more risky than others. I'm not saying the girl in the above story deserved to be raped, nor that it is her fault, but she did engage in risky behaviors which, by definition, leaves her open to more risks. I want to teach my girls what risky behaviors are and that they are RESPONSIBLE for choosing to engage in risky behaviors, and therefore, to some extent, responsible for the consequences of the risky behavior. I don't want them to grow up in a world where ALL of the consequences of their choices lead to blaming of others and excuses, where they can break rules and laws but face no blame themselves for their choices. Imagine what the world would be like if all choices became his/her/their/its fault and not our own choice ...
It is a very slippery slope, one in which we go from not blaming a teen who drank so much she eventually passed out for the (yes, horrible and wrong) sexual assault she experienced to not blaming the mother, high on drugs, who placed her infant in the washing machine and turned it on, for the murder of her child. When is it our fault we chose to drink too much, be high on drugs, have unprotected sex, etc? When is it okay to blame it on the alcohol, the drugs, the other person? Why does it have to be one or the other...why can't more than one individual share the blame when poor decisions lead to negative consequences? Where is the line of responsibility? What do you teach your children or want to teach your children regarding their responsibility for their behaviors and the resulting consequences? When is it blaming the victim and when is it acknowledging the part one plays in choosing their life paths?
When did it become okay to blame others for our choices and how do we teach our children differently?
Added note: CLEARLY our society and culture as a whole needs to change so rape, murder, etc. are not common occurances; however, should this change the need to teach our children how to stay safe in the world as it is? In other words, because we think rape is bad and individuals should know better than to take advantage of/rape young drunken girls does that change the fact that we should teach our young girls that this can occur should they choose to be drunken?
This trend is the "It's not my fault" trend...you know, the one where your own mistakes, dumb choices, and short fallings are all someone else's responsibility. You get off free and clear and someone else is the bad guy for whatever consequences occur. You get pregnant because you didn't use birth control? Don't worry, it's his fault because he didn't have a condom or he didn't pull out. You drank too much then tried to drive home and got a ticket. Don't worry, it's the cops fault because he's an asshole and your girlfriends fault because she had to be up early and made you drive. You managed to shut down the entire government because you can't agree? Don't worry, it's all the (choose one) Republicans/Democrats fault, those damn bastards are refusing to see reason.
I admit, I too, am guilty of this...it is so much easier to blame my super tight schedule for my not having vacuumed the house or completed the laundry, or my very high stress levels and roaring headache for yelling at the girls. And, yes, those are true explanations of why I acted the way I did...but, do they really qualify as excuses? Can I really blame my yelling on my headache and stress levels, my inability to keep up with housework on my insanely busy schedule...or do I have some amount of responsibility in these instances? Could I have stayed up an extra ten minutes to vacuum or taken a "Mommy Time-Out" instead of yelling? ABSOLUTELY! But, why do that when I have built in excuses and finger pointing for every mistake that paint me as the victim and leave me free and clear of any negative consequences? The difference is, I don't believe it, I know I could have acted differently...I know I chose to act the way I did...and I admit it to myself...and now, to all of you. I am a blamer because sometimes it is so much easier because then...I'm not the bad guy and it's not my fault, at all!
This is where this line of reasoning becomes problematic in today's world. The idea of blaming the victim. A fantastic example would be that of rape. The news today has blown up the story of a young girl who, when 14, alleged rape against a 17 year old star football player. The story, as I heard it, is that the girl had been "sipping Bicardi" at home with friends then snuck out to hang out with the young man. They drank more (some sources say she was forced to drink more) and they ended up in a bedroom, alone (with the exception of a young man who video recorded the scene). They had sex, she claims she was raped; he claims she was consenting.
Now, don't shoot my head off for this, but, as a parent, I would be upset not only with the boy, but also with my daughter. I know, I know, that's "blaming the victim" BUT a young girl should be responsible for her behaviors to some extent. They should know that alcohol consumption and breaking house rules may lead to negative consequences...sometimes awful ones. As a mother of three girls I want my girls to know that the decisions they make lead them down different paths and though we can't control others' behaviors we can ALWAYS control our own and that some of those paths we choose to follow are inherently more risky than others. I'm not saying the girl in the above story deserved to be raped, nor that it is her fault, but she did engage in risky behaviors which, by definition, leaves her open to more risks. I want to teach my girls what risky behaviors are and that they are RESPONSIBLE for choosing to engage in risky behaviors, and therefore, to some extent, responsible for the consequences of the risky behavior. I don't want them to grow up in a world where ALL of the consequences of their choices lead to blaming of others and excuses, where they can break rules and laws but face no blame themselves for their choices. Imagine what the world would be like if all choices became his/her/their/its fault and not our own choice ...
It is a very slippery slope, one in which we go from not blaming a teen who drank so much she eventually passed out for the (yes, horrible and wrong) sexual assault she experienced to not blaming the mother, high on drugs, who placed her infant in the washing machine and turned it on, for the murder of her child. When is it our fault we chose to drink too much, be high on drugs, have unprotected sex, etc? When is it okay to blame it on the alcohol, the drugs, the other person? Why does it have to be one or the other...why can't more than one individual share the blame when poor decisions lead to negative consequences? Where is the line of responsibility? What do you teach your children or want to teach your children regarding their responsibility for their behaviors and the resulting consequences? When is it blaming the victim and when is it acknowledging the part one plays in choosing their life paths?
When did it become okay to blame others for our choices and how do we teach our children differently?
Added note: CLEARLY our society and culture as a whole needs to change so rape, murder, etc. are not common occurances; however, should this change the need to teach our children how to stay safe in the world as it is? In other words, because we think rape is bad and individuals should know better than to take advantage of/rape young drunken girls does that change the fact that we should teach our young girls that this can occur should they choose to be drunken?
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Rose Colored Glasses, Ignorance, and Abuse of Infants
The truth is, I have spent the past week cataloguing lots of daily events to use on this blog, but after this past weekends news cycle, my mind is stuck in the horror that is infant rape. Two cases broke this weekend in areas surrounding my city in which individuals have been caught after taping themselves raping infants...that's right...babies, children under three years old. Little innocent beings that have no words, no ability to fight back, and who have done no wrong! I can't even begin to wrap my mind around these acts. I can't put into words the disgust, the disappointment in humanity, the hurt, the anger, the fear I feel. I want to just go back to ignorance, to the belief that it only happens in cases in which the parents are doped up, that my girls will never face this, that it doesn't happen "in my world". Granted, I am not the horrible excuse for a mother who offers up my 4 month old to 'spice up' my sex life, but, I do send them to a day care center...I do put them in other people's care without my presence in the school or the home.
I am having such a hard time putting this all into words...naming all the feelings churning around in my gut....getting past the shock and the shame for not realizing this was a common enough occurrence that I NEED to be ACTIVELY and LEGITIMATELY concerned about it with my own girls. It's crazy to me that not only do I need to teach them to not talk to strangers but also to be wary of people they should be allowed to trust. I don't want to raise girls terrified of everything and everyone, but I also don't want to raise girls who are naïve or may be more likely to be victimized...but, then again, in this case...these assaults are occurring before a child is even able to comprehend my words much less internalize anything I'm trying to teach them about personal safety, boundaries, and awareness.
Every time I want to just shrug it off and go back to my rose colored world of ignorance and bliss, I think about the infants who have experienced this, their pain, fear, the fact their entire world is one of pain. I can't imagine, just typing this past sentence made my stomach drop and my heart speed up...I can't put into words how horrible it must be to never know safety, love, a soft touch--or to equate brutality and pain with those. I can't even begin to imagine a person who is incapable of seeing an infant as a living, breathing being--capable of feelings (both physical and emotional). I don't understand how individual's who use and abuse their infants are able to post photos like those you would see hanging in my home and not see the hideousness in their actions. Finally, I can't even begin to fathom the heartache many children must carry today, those who had these actions occur, who aren't even able to remember or put words to it, but who always have something "off". I can't put it into words, so I beg you all to read the following sections of other articles and be aware of this as a means of attempting to protect your children, others children, and acknowledge that the world is a scary place despite our desire to be ignorant and blissful.
"Sexual assault of infants (babies under the age of 3) is different from pedophilia (sexual arousal/contact with pre-pubescent children over the age of 3). Experts working with sex crimes and psychopathology state that this form of infant rape seems to occur because the rapist does not see the baby before him as a boy or girl - a baby or toddler - or even as a human being. S/He is merely another 'opening' into which to get off on. It is the ultimate case of using and abusing another human being.
Sadly, an obvious question is often brought up in cases like this -- how could someone physically penetrate a baby? After all, this tiny newborn has very tiny everything. And, as horrifying as it is - that is exactly what appeals to those raping an infant. The tight, small space.
This form of sexual assault would obviously hurt a baby to extremes like none other. Babies scream - do all they can to get away (responses that are the same as those we see when babies are genitally cut apart via circumcision). This is why babies are often gagged first by the predator - duct tape over their mouths - something to hold them still, keep them quiet. This little baby likely suffered skull fractures as a result of being held down tightly by Davis while being sexually abused.
The rape of a human being of this small size causes catastrophic internal injuries to various organs, and many babies die. Those brought into emergency rooms after surviving this trauma are often found to have broken spines and collar bones from the weight of a man when he presses upon, or collapses onto, the baby at ejaculation. [Side note: 100% of those charged with infant rape in the United States are male]"
For those of you like me who wonder what you can do...Here are the best tips I could come up with:
1.) Know the warning signs that your infant may be sexually abused/assaulted--there are good lists on babycenter.com and livestrong.com
2.) Be mindful of who you allow in your home and around your children, where they are in your home, and what activities they are participating in.
3.) Drop in on day care centers/babysitters/caregivers at random and unexpected times throughout the day to "pick my child up early" or "drop off something I forgot" or "just because."
4.) Don't allow your rose colored glasses to cloud your Mommy Intuition!--or for that matter your child's "gut instincts" regarding individuals...LISTEN to yourself and your children!
5.) Talk to you children about what is and is not okay for other people to do to their bodies, teach them they can tell people "no" or "please don't touch me" if they don't want individuals touching them...i.e. they don't have to hug an Aunt they have only met twice--in other words, make it okay for your child to become the gatekeeper of their body. Others may argue with me on this, but we are already teaching our children if a stranger or someone besides their immediate caregivers touches them in a way they don't like or touches their "bottoms" they can bite, kick, scream, hit, etc. as much as they need to in order to get the person to leave them alone.
6.) Advocate for those small children without a voice in your neighborhood, city, country, and world--give a voice to their suffering and don't allow others to live in ignorance of it!
Please add to this list and pass this important information on. DO NOT allow yourself or others to live in ignorance of terrible crimes against innocence and humanity like these!
I am having such a hard time putting this all into words...naming all the feelings churning around in my gut....getting past the shock and the shame for not realizing this was a common enough occurrence that I NEED to be ACTIVELY and LEGITIMATELY concerned about it with my own girls. It's crazy to me that not only do I need to teach them to not talk to strangers but also to be wary of people they should be allowed to trust. I don't want to raise girls terrified of everything and everyone, but I also don't want to raise girls who are naïve or may be more likely to be victimized...but, then again, in this case...these assaults are occurring before a child is even able to comprehend my words much less internalize anything I'm trying to teach them about personal safety, boundaries, and awareness.
Every time I want to just shrug it off and go back to my rose colored world of ignorance and bliss, I think about the infants who have experienced this, their pain, fear, the fact their entire world is one of pain. I can't imagine, just typing this past sentence made my stomach drop and my heart speed up...I can't put into words how horrible it must be to never know safety, love, a soft touch--or to equate brutality and pain with those. I can't even begin to imagine a person who is incapable of seeing an infant as a living, breathing being--capable of feelings (both physical and emotional). I don't understand how individual's who use and abuse their infants are able to post photos like those you would see hanging in my home and not see the hideousness in their actions. Finally, I can't even begin to fathom the heartache many children must carry today, those who had these actions occur, who aren't even able to remember or put words to it, but who always have something "off". I can't put it into words, so I beg you all to read the following sections of other articles and be aware of this as a means of attempting to protect your children, others children, and acknowledge that the world is a scary place despite our desire to be ignorant and blissful.
"Sexual assault of infants (babies under the age of 3) is different from pedophilia (sexual arousal/contact with pre-pubescent children over the age of 3). Experts working with sex crimes and psychopathology state that this form of infant rape seems to occur because the rapist does not see the baby before him as a boy or girl - a baby or toddler - or even as a human being. S/He is merely another 'opening' into which to get off on. It is the ultimate case of using and abusing another human being.
Sadly, an obvious question is often brought up in cases like this -- how could someone physically penetrate a baby? After all, this tiny newborn has very tiny everything. And, as horrifying as it is - that is exactly what appeals to those raping an infant. The tight, small space.
This form of sexual assault would obviously hurt a baby to extremes like none other. Babies scream - do all they can to get away (responses that are the same as those we see when babies are genitally cut apart via circumcision). This is why babies are often gagged first by the predator - duct tape over their mouths - something to hold them still, keep them quiet. This little baby likely suffered skull fractures as a result of being held down tightly by Davis while being sexually abused.
The rape of a human being of this small size causes catastrophic internal injuries to various organs, and many babies die. Those brought into emergency rooms after surviving this trauma are often found to have broken spines and collar bones from the weight of a man when he presses upon, or collapses onto, the baby at ejaculation. [Side note: 100% of those charged with infant rape in the United States are male]"
For those of you like me who wonder what you can do...Here are the best tips I could come up with:
1.) Know the warning signs that your infant may be sexually abused/assaulted--there are good lists on babycenter.com and livestrong.com
2.) Be mindful of who you allow in your home and around your children, where they are in your home, and what activities they are participating in.
3.) Drop in on day care centers/babysitters/caregivers at random and unexpected times throughout the day to "pick my child up early" or "drop off something I forgot" or "just because."
4.) Don't allow your rose colored glasses to cloud your Mommy Intuition!--or for that matter your child's "gut instincts" regarding individuals...LISTEN to yourself and your children!
5.) Talk to you children about what is and is not okay for other people to do to their bodies, teach them they can tell people "no" or "please don't touch me" if they don't want individuals touching them...i.e. they don't have to hug an Aunt they have only met twice--in other words, make it okay for your child to become the gatekeeper of their body. Others may argue with me on this, but we are already teaching our children if a stranger or someone besides their immediate caregivers touches them in a way they don't like or touches their "bottoms" they can bite, kick, scream, hit, etc. as much as they need to in order to get the person to leave them alone.
6.) Advocate for those small children without a voice in your neighborhood, city, country, and world--give a voice to their suffering and don't allow others to live in ignorance of it!
Please add to this list and pass this important information on. DO NOT allow yourself or others to live in ignorance of terrible crimes against innocence and humanity like these!
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Inspiration
The picture below is of a poster that hangs at the top of the flight of stairs I take to get to my graduate assistantship office. I read it every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday morning and I am inspired. I feel that fire in my belly and that drive to not only succeed, but to enact change. It may sound dumb, but it really serves to keep me motivated--I'm hoping it can serve the same to some of you!
Though my thoughts when I see this are almost always about my future research or my contributions to my field, and both psychology and education in general, I found myself driving "off the edge of the map" this weekend in my mommy world as well...and, it felt fantastic!
This past weekend, we had a very small, very quick baptism for the baby because we have just been unable to set it up and decided it was best to just get it done with--no need for a large crowd. Perhaps it was because of the limited amount of fuss, or perhaps because I am just NOT a preplanner, I didn't bother to take out the girls clothes for the following day. I mean, the baptism wasn't until the next afternoon and they all had dresses in the closet, including the hand me down baptismal gown both my sister and I and my two older daughters wore. Or, so I thought. It was about 3:30, I had a whole hour to dress myself and my three freshly napped girls--man, I was in the green! I got the two oldest dressed, even allowing them a choice between two dresses each to limit melt downs. It was going so well, until I went into baby's closet to grab the baptismal gown and...it wasn't there...or in the girls' closet....or in my closet...or my husbands....or the laundry room....or the entry way closet...believe me, I checked each four times, while managing to stay surprisingly calm, because if I said anything my husband and his parents would likely freak out--especially if I acted concerned. I quickly scanned baby's closet for any white dresses, grabbing one with a black top and white dress and a white sweater...if all else failed, that would work...but it wasn't very baptismal looking. I then scanned the older girls' closet looking for white and found only a white dress that had been stained many colors by a painting party.
Then....inspiration hit....much like described in the quote above. I grabbed one of my shirts, off white with flower cutouts and embroidery across the neckline and tied it using the hanger strings so it stayed on her shoulders and clipped the back tighter with two bobby pins in the fold (so you couldn't see them) and Oila! a traditional baptismal dress that looked as if it had been handed down for generations. In fact the priest even commented on it and his assumption it had been passed down. ( I will post a photo of this when I get my hands on one!)
God knows I needed that kind of boost for when the two older girls decided a couple days later to color on the grout between about half of our kitchen tiles with crayon immediately after coloring each others faces (at least this was with magic marker). This quote helps to take the anger out of those minutes when I remind myself they are "catching fire" and "becoming
wolves"
...all of that is okay, as long as revolution isn't smoldering ;)
Forgot to pose my questions to each of you...What inspires you? Do you have a personal mantra? Do you tend to find yourself more inspired in one area of your life than others? Do you experience a bleeding over of inspiration, as I described above? What do you do with that inspiration--use it? Let it burn out?
Though my thoughts when I see this are almost always about my future research or my contributions to my field, and both psychology and education in general, I found myself driving "off the edge of the map" this weekend in my mommy world as well...and, it felt fantastic!
This past weekend, we had a very small, very quick baptism for the baby because we have just been unable to set it up and decided it was best to just get it done with--no need for a large crowd. Perhaps it was because of the limited amount of fuss, or perhaps because I am just NOT a preplanner, I didn't bother to take out the girls clothes for the following day. I mean, the baptism wasn't until the next afternoon and they all had dresses in the closet, including the hand me down baptismal gown both my sister and I and my two older daughters wore. Or, so I thought. It was about 3:30, I had a whole hour to dress myself and my three freshly napped girls--man, I was in the green! I got the two oldest dressed, even allowing them a choice between two dresses each to limit melt downs. It was going so well, until I went into baby's closet to grab the baptismal gown and...it wasn't there...or in the girls' closet....or in my closet...or my husbands....or the laundry room....or the entry way closet...believe me, I checked each four times, while managing to stay surprisingly calm, because if I said anything my husband and his parents would likely freak out--especially if I acted concerned. I quickly scanned baby's closet for any white dresses, grabbing one with a black top and white dress and a white sweater...if all else failed, that would work...but it wasn't very baptismal looking. I then scanned the older girls' closet looking for white and found only a white dress that had been stained many colors by a painting party.
Then....inspiration hit....much like described in the quote above. I grabbed one of my shirts, off white with flower cutouts and embroidery across the neckline and tied it using the hanger strings so it stayed on her shoulders and clipped the back tighter with two bobby pins in the fold (so you couldn't see them) and Oila! a traditional baptismal dress that looked as if it had been handed down for generations. In fact the priest even commented on it and his assumption it had been passed down. ( I will post a photo of this when I get my hands on one!)
God knows I needed that kind of boost for when the two older girls decided a couple days later to color on the grout between about half of our kitchen tiles with crayon immediately after coloring each others faces (at least this was with magic marker). This quote helps to take the anger out of those minutes when I remind myself they are "catching fire" and "becoming wolves"
...all of that is okay, as long as revolution isn't smoldering ;)
Forgot to pose my questions to each of you...What inspires you? Do you have a personal mantra? Do you tend to find yourself more inspired in one area of your life than others? Do you experience a bleeding over of inspiration, as I described above? What do you do with that inspiration--use it? Let it burn out?
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Instilling Values in a Politically Correct World...Is that possible?
Since last week, I have been mulling over one of the questions I asked you all at the end of last week's blog. Are teaching values and teaching respect for others often at odds in today's society? How does one instill a set of values in their children while also teaching them to respect and, yes, even value, individual's who values may be at odd with the core set of values you would like your child to hold dear.
This concept is difficult for many adults, and has played itself out multiple times over the past few years within my (soon to be) profession. Individual's, both as students and as professionals, have refused to counsel client's based on the client's sexual orientation. This refusal stemmed from the counselor's belief that homosexuality was wrong, a sin, against the Bible, etc. I have also heard many individuals in my training programs proclaim that they "could never work with a sex offender who has offended young children" or with "a murderer who shows no regret." These proclamations are made based on an individual's strong belief and value system, a strong belief that sexually assaulting small children or taking another person's life without any emotional distress is wrong.
It is my position that it is okay...no, not okay...it is necessary to have a set of values; to have a belief that things are 'right' and 'wrong', to have that gut feeling that what you are seeing/hearing/doing goes against who and what you are. I want my children to have a set of values that is bound to their core, that makes them who and what they are. BUT, I don't want that set of value to inhibit their ability to see the humanity in others, to feel compassion for individuals with different sets of values, to be remain open-minded about others intentions, beliefs, and actions.
The issue is, in today's world, there seems to be a polarization of these two belief systems...either you have a set of world views/beliefs/and values and only those individuals with the same values are worthy of respect and dignity OR you respect everyone's individualization, differing values, and are unable to grab onto your own value system because it might *gasp* contradict someone else's. NEITHER of these are okay with me, for myself, for my children, or for my profession.
There is nothing wrong with believing that sexual assault is wrong or that you would never stay with an abusive partner. There is certainly nothing wrong with teaching your child that sexual assault shouldn't happen or to stand up for him/her self and the signs of abusive relationships. The problem occurs when you begin to provide an "us vs. them" or "black and white" worldview...because that is not the world we live in. It's never black and white, nor should it be "Bible beating" vs. "complacent."
This is taught to a certain degree in our training program, in which you are encouraged to identify your "biases"--though I take issue with that word, because often one's values fall into that category and I would never go so far as to call all values biases. The thought is, if you are able to identify your world view, your buttons, your beliefs, you can better meet with and effectively work with clients who differ in world views, push your buttons, or spit on your beliefs. You don't have to like them, you don't have to agree with them, and you don't have to change your beliefs to work with them--you just need to understand where they are coming from and show them a little bit of dignity and respect.
It is my hope that I am able to instill this view and ability in my daughters, while also raising them with a core value system, through both conscious modeling and my everyday interactions and work.
Where do you fall on this continuum? Do you find it hard to balance your core beliefs with the idea of coexisting or respect for all? Have you found yourself loosing hold of your core values while trying to maintain respect for all in this day and age of political correctness? Do you ever feel guilty or wrong for holding on to certain values or beliefs? How do you interact with people who value things you don't believe in? How do you feel with others attack your core values or beliefs?
This concept is difficult for many adults, and has played itself out multiple times over the past few years within my (soon to be) profession. Individual's, both as students and as professionals, have refused to counsel client's based on the client's sexual orientation. This refusal stemmed from the counselor's belief that homosexuality was wrong, a sin, against the Bible, etc. I have also heard many individuals in my training programs proclaim that they "could never work with a sex offender who has offended young children" or with "a murderer who shows no regret." These proclamations are made based on an individual's strong belief and value system, a strong belief that sexually assaulting small children or taking another person's life without any emotional distress is wrong.
It is my position that it is okay...no, not okay...it is necessary to have a set of values; to have a belief that things are 'right' and 'wrong', to have that gut feeling that what you are seeing/hearing/doing goes against who and what you are. I want my children to have a set of values that is bound to their core, that makes them who and what they are. BUT, I don't want that set of value to inhibit their ability to see the humanity in others, to feel compassion for individuals with different sets of values, to be remain open-minded about others intentions, beliefs, and actions.
The issue is, in today's world, there seems to be a polarization of these two belief systems...either you have a set of world views/beliefs/and values and only those individuals with the same values are worthy of respect and dignity OR you respect everyone's individualization, differing values, and are unable to grab onto your own value system because it might *gasp* contradict someone else's. NEITHER of these are okay with me, for myself, for my children, or for my profession.
There is nothing wrong with believing that sexual assault is wrong or that you would never stay with an abusive partner. There is certainly nothing wrong with teaching your child that sexual assault shouldn't happen or to stand up for him/her self and the signs of abusive relationships. The problem occurs when you begin to provide an "us vs. them" or "black and white" worldview...because that is not the world we live in. It's never black and white, nor should it be "Bible beating" vs. "complacent."
This is taught to a certain degree in our training program, in which you are encouraged to identify your "biases"--though I take issue with that word, because often one's values fall into that category and I would never go so far as to call all values biases. The thought is, if you are able to identify your world view, your buttons, your beliefs, you can better meet with and effectively work with clients who differ in world views, push your buttons, or spit on your beliefs. You don't have to like them, you don't have to agree with them, and you don't have to change your beliefs to work with them--you just need to understand where they are coming from and show them a little bit of dignity and respect.
It is my hope that I am able to instill this view and ability in my daughters, while also raising them with a core value system, through both conscious modeling and my everyday interactions and work.
Where do you fall on this continuum? Do you find it hard to balance your core beliefs with the idea of coexisting or respect for all? Have you found yourself loosing hold of your core values while trying to maintain respect for all in this day and age of political correctness? Do you ever feel guilty or wrong for holding on to certain values or beliefs? How do you interact with people who value things you don't believe in? How do you feel with others attack your core values or beliefs?
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Highlight of Girls AND Values vs. Respect for Others?
So, I promised a lighter post focused on the girls today...so here goes (note to reader: it gets a little heavy towards the end again...Sorry!)
An update on time with my little ones. I can now no longer leave the youngest unattended, as she has started really crawling, pulling herself up on anything she can--including her big sisters, attempting to follow me, picking up EVERYTHING with her newly perfected pincer grasp, and yanking her sisters hair anytime it comes into range--all within the past two weeks! Additionally, when I am not looking, the oldest often tries to pick her up and I have walked into the kitchen to catch the middle on dragging her across the floor by her feet. (The older two think they are helping and I'd rather that than they hate her and ignore her...so, there's lots of reminders to be gentle.) Baby also has her first tooth and refuses to eat baby food at the table, crying until I give her something she can pick up to eat. This means that I no longer can get away with not wiping down the high chair and the floor after every meal or with feeding her before or after feeding her sisters. She has decided she is a FULL part of this family and I have no right keeping her from participating in everything! (She has a point!)
The middle one is becoming more and more obstinate (guess this makes sense since she's less than a month from her second birthday!) When I ask her what she wants to do for the day or what she did at school her first answer is always "No-ting" followed by a devious little smile. She no longer lets me rock with her, "No rock Mama, Lei Lei by own self!" which breaks my heart a little bit every time she says it as she's pushing me away both literally and figuratively. She also enjoys running her finger across the page in a book after me as she repeats the words...particularly to the story "Ralph" which is a clever story where the dog talks using onomatopoeia including "roof," "rough," "bark," and "yep" to answer his owner's questions. At the same time, she can be so very loving, always having a kiss for her baby sister and tenderly cuddling her stuffed animals as she exclaims, "My baby sick. Shhh Mama, my baby sleep'n."
The oldest one is truly becoming a child and no longer a toddler. She loves school and is able to "read" (aka recite from memory) little books that she makes at school. She also takes swimming lessons at her school and loves to talk about how she went into the deep end and how good of a swimmer she is. Creating things, or projects as we call creative endeavors at home, is one of her favorite things--she enjoys building, painting and pretending to make food for parties. She also has her first crush--on one of my husbands friends. Whenever he is over, she instantly lights up, runs over to him, and climbs all over him. She will not leave his side the entire time he is there and becomes upset if she is left out of a conversation he is having.
I am so very blessed, not only to have these three incredible girls in my life, but to be able to be an active participant in their lives.
Here's where we get into the deeper stuff. As you can see, they are all fairly young...the oldest being just two and a half months over three years old but I already see the need to determine what values we want to be teaching them. I don't mean values that you teach by actions alone, through modeling--those we already have figured out. But, the more complex ones, about race, gender, family structure, etc. I say this because on just the drive to school (a mere 15 minutes tops) the issues of children before marriage, where babies come from, why people choose to have babies, and same sex marriages all came up--WITH A THREE YEAR OLD!
Granted, the conversation didn't occur in the same way you would expect it to with a teen, but I had to quickly filter my responses so as to not throw out answers that are not necessarily true. I want to be honest with my children, but I also don't want to have the birds and the bees talk at 3 years old. I want to teach them values that are important to myself, my husband, and our family but I also want to teach them respect for individuals who may not value the same things or whose lives may have led them down a different path. I want them to understand that they can live their own value system without condemning others who may not have the same, I want them to treat everyone with dignity. Period.
Here is what a part of the conversation looked like:
-Mama, I don't remember being in your belly.
--No honey, you probably don't. It's hard to remember that time in your life for almost everyone, but you definitely were in my belly.
-Was I in your belly when you and Dada were friends.
--You mean before we were married? No, you were in my belly a few months later.
-Why? I wanted to be in your belly before. I wanted to watch you get married.
(A quick pause as I was hit by the desire to say You're supposed to be married before you have kids and considered the reasons for this outside of the cultural 'it's just what you do' piece I had grown up with.)
--We wanted to be married first, it was kind of like a promise that we would face everything together. I'm sorry you couldn't see us get married, maybe we can renew our vows in a few years and you can see that.
(There was a little confusion here where she thought I said bells instead of vows and was choosing what color bells my husband and I would have during the bell ceremony.)
-I want to renew my vows too Mama.
--Well, to do it like that, you have to be married.
-I want to get married when I get older. I want to marry Lorelei (middle sister).
(Silence as I was hit by many things all at once--No, you can't marry your sister--that's wrong! Your supposed to marry a boy not a girl. Okay, honey, whatever you want to do. What values do I want to instill about love and marriage? All these quickly swirled through my mind.)
--Well, honey, you're not really allowed to marry your sister. She's already family. The idea behind getting married is that you are extending your family, making it bigger. You should marry someone you enjoy spending time with, someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, someone you have fun with and someone who treats you well--
-I'll marry G! (her Godmother)
G happens to be married, but I really didn't want to start on the whole divorce topic while already rather successfully, I think, managing the marriage topic--including same sex marriages and children out of wedlock. Granted this wasn't an explicit conversation on these topics, but I did the best I could to keep judgements out of it and instill the fact that marriage is a commitment upon which child rearing can thrive and that the most important issue surrounding who you should marry is how well they treat you and whether you can see yourself with them for the long haul.
What about you? When did you start having explicit conversations with your children regarding these topics? Have you ever? How do you instill your familial and/or religious values into your children while also teaching them to value/respect diversity OR are these two things often at odds?
An update on time with my little ones. I can now no longer leave the youngest unattended, as she has started really crawling, pulling herself up on anything she can--including her big sisters, attempting to follow me, picking up EVERYTHING with her newly perfected pincer grasp, and yanking her sisters hair anytime it comes into range--all within the past two weeks! Additionally, when I am not looking, the oldest often tries to pick her up and I have walked into the kitchen to catch the middle on dragging her across the floor by her feet. (The older two think they are helping and I'd rather that than they hate her and ignore her...so, there's lots of reminders to be gentle.) Baby also has her first tooth and refuses to eat baby food at the table, crying until I give her something she can pick up to eat. This means that I no longer can get away with not wiping down the high chair and the floor after every meal or with feeding her before or after feeding her sisters. She has decided she is a FULL part of this family and I have no right keeping her from participating in everything! (She has a point!)I am so very blessed, not only to have these three incredible girls in my life, but to be able to be an active participant in their lives.
Here's where we get into the deeper stuff. As you can see, they are all fairly young...the oldest being just two and a half months over three years old but I already see the need to determine what values we want to be teaching them. I don't mean values that you teach by actions alone, through modeling--those we already have figured out. But, the more complex ones, about race, gender, family structure, etc. I say this because on just the drive to school (a mere 15 minutes tops) the issues of children before marriage, where babies come from, why people choose to have babies, and same sex marriages all came up--WITH A THREE YEAR OLD!
Granted, the conversation didn't occur in the same way you would expect it to with a teen, but I had to quickly filter my responses so as to not throw out answers that are not necessarily true. I want to be honest with my children, but I also don't want to have the birds and the bees talk at 3 years old. I want to teach them values that are important to myself, my husband, and our family but I also want to teach them respect for individuals who may not value the same things or whose lives may have led them down a different path. I want them to understand that they can live their own value system without condemning others who may not have the same, I want them to treat everyone with dignity. Period.
Here is what a part of the conversation looked like:
-Mama, I don't remember being in your belly.
--No honey, you probably don't. It's hard to remember that time in your life for almost everyone, but you definitely were in my belly.
-Was I in your belly when you and Dada were friends.
--You mean before we were married? No, you were in my belly a few months later.
-Why? I wanted to be in your belly before. I wanted to watch you get married.
(A quick pause as I was hit by the desire to say You're supposed to be married before you have kids and considered the reasons for this outside of the cultural 'it's just what you do' piece I had grown up with.)
--We wanted to be married first, it was kind of like a promise that we would face everything together. I'm sorry you couldn't see us get married, maybe we can renew our vows in a few years and you can see that.
(There was a little confusion here where she thought I said bells instead of vows and was choosing what color bells my husband and I would have during the bell ceremony.)
-I want to renew my vows too Mama.
--Well, to do it like that, you have to be married.
-I want to get married when I get older. I want to marry Lorelei (middle sister).
(Silence as I was hit by many things all at once--No, you can't marry your sister--that's wrong! Your supposed to marry a boy not a girl. Okay, honey, whatever you want to do. What values do I want to instill about love and marriage? All these quickly swirled through my mind.)
--Well, honey, you're not really allowed to marry your sister. She's already family. The idea behind getting married is that you are extending your family, making it bigger. You should marry someone you enjoy spending time with, someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, someone you have fun with and someone who treats you well--
-I'll marry G! (her Godmother)
G happens to be married, but I really didn't want to start on the whole divorce topic while already rather successfully, I think, managing the marriage topic--including same sex marriages and children out of wedlock. Granted this wasn't an explicit conversation on these topics, but I did the best I could to keep judgements out of it and instill the fact that marriage is a commitment upon which child rearing can thrive and that the most important issue surrounding who you should marry is how well they treat you and whether you can see yourself with them for the long haul.
What about you? When did you start having explicit conversations with your children regarding these topics? Have you ever? How do you instill your familial and/or religious values into your children while also teaching them to value/respect diversity OR are these two things often at odds?
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
What's it gonna be today? Self-Actualization OR Self-Preservation?
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| Yes, this is the best pic I could get of all 3. |
Self-Preservation vs Self-Actualization
Dependence vs Independence
This is a bit longer than my usual posts, so grab a coffee and enjoy. Next post I'll try to keep light with some good stories about the kiddos instead of the never ending battle of prioritizing ;)
Upon reading the “Six Challenging
Perspectives” section from Gelso and Fretz (2001), two themes really stuck with
me: Prioritizing and Independence. Though the act of prioritizing and balancing
doctoral studies requirements, research, and home life is likely a struggle for
most of us, I find that the additional responsibility of being a mother puts an
additional weight on this precarious balance, adding an additional layer of
stress and difficulty not experienced my many doctoral students. Additionally, my upbringing and the culture
in which I was raised, namely the deep south, has led to a view of the academic
world that often works against me in seeking support from or pursuing
collaborative projects with staff. I
knew that pursuing a PhD while raining a small family would be difficult, especially
with my default personality setting of “follower”, but I rationalized (and
continue to rationalize) that in the end it will all be worth it, not only for
my family but for growing as an individual.
Having children was a game changer
for me. I always thought I would never
want to be a stay at home mom; that I would get bored, end up resenting my
children, and not give back to the world like I “should” through teaching. Then I got pregnant with my first and I
couldn’t imagine not staying home with her, not seeing her first steps or answering
her cries. I couldn’t picture someone
else assisting her in making sense of the world around her or leading her
through her first few years. It made me
tear up to think that she would be repeating someone else’s words before my own
or smiling up at someone else, some stranger, before smiling at me! It probably did not help that my background
is in special education and I had a litany of examples from my undergraduate
readings, case studies, and practicum experiences of how serious developmental
delays can be and how important the first few years of life are for the
development of mind and body.
That is when I decided to go back
for my Master’s degree. It gave me the
chance to further myself (and what I could give back to the world) while also
being there for my daughter…then daughters.
This desire to be a part of my children’s life was one of the deciding
factors in why I chose to continue my studies at the doctoral level at this
point in my life instead of further in the future. This allows me to still be home with my
children an additional two days per week, and that’s while also pulling a 20
hour graduate assistantship.
It kind of sounds like I have things
all nice and neatly separated and planned out…but it’s not. There are times when I’m at school that I’m
worried about my oldest daughter’s ear ache or stressed about how much interaction
the youngest is really getting in day care.
There are other times when I am in the center of an all-out kicking,
hair pulling, toddler fight and I get a sudden paper topic inspiration and have
to write it down with the toddle fight rolling around behind me, their screams
for mommy’s help falling on momentarily deaf ears. This is when it is hard for me. It is SO
hard for me to put school before my kids…even when it is time that I have purposely set aside for studying! I can’t count how many times I have chosen to
stay up late or forego reading so that I can do something as mundane as walk to
the playground with my girls and watch them slide and swing. They didn’t need me there, it was scheduled
study time for Mommy and play time with Daddy, but oh, how I wanted to be
there, to be a part of their lives, and to revel in their happiness.
And those moments when I do choose
school first, when I do take a moment to shut them out, or a few hours to
complete a paper, I am bombarded with “mom guilt”. Worries and “what ifs” buzz around my head
constantly suggesting the girls are better off with me around, that I am not
doing all I can for them, that no one else can do as much for them as I can,
that I don’t have my priorities straight.
Silly, I know, but these thoughts pop up and take off running before I
can consciously stop them and process to rationalize my way out of them. This rationalizing has become increasingly
more difficult now that my middle child has begun to cry on Tuesday and
Wednesday mornings, saying “No school, Stay Mama today.” And I still get a sharp punch in my gut each
time my oldest hugs me tight and whispers “You’re a good Mama, but I don’t like
when you’re at college all the time.”
Prioritizing between school
requirements and parental responsibilities sometimes seems nearly impossible,
and that doesn’t even touch on how difficulty it can be to find “me time.” This is where the need and struggle to
balance comes in. It’s clear that the
girls and school requirements are my competing top priorities, but that doesn’t
change the fact that I need to balance these top priorities not only with one
another, but also with other necessary priorities such as myself, my marriage,
my home, my social life, my limited hobbies, and my additional professional
interests (i.e. additional reading, research, committees, etc.). Basically, to use the authors’ words form a
couple different places in the reading, I need to “make time” with “only 24
hours in a day”. (Gelso and Fretz, 2001)
This attempt to make time in a defined, and rather limited, set amount of time is
what makes the challenge of changing the perspective of self-preservation to
one of self-actualization so difficult for me.
Though I tend to have an initial self-actualization perspective, one of attacking
tasks instead of avoiding them, I have so many responsibilities that my
attacking tends to either fall short in all areas, or be focused only in
certain areas…leaving those priorities outside of the top two with little to no
attention.
Often, I find myself attacking tasks
in several different areas, such as reading everything for class, attempting to
take my girls on weekly outings to the zoo or museums, signing up for
additional research, and vowing to do all the laundry that has piled up in the
past two weeks…only to find myself drowning in commitments and going into
“fight or flight” mode. Though I get
everything done (except for maybe the laundry), and get it done well enough, it
leaves me feeling empty. I become devoid
of energy, strength, and will power and need a significant amount of time to
recharge before I can attack again.
Additionally, this switch to self-preservation tends to put me in an
emotional funk characterized by crankiness, unhappiness, and self-berating for
falling short, yet again.
In the reading, Gelso and Fretz
(2001) state, “Graduate study in counseling psychology may bring numerous
threats to one’s sense of self-efficacy.
We define self-efficacy as the ‘expectation that one can
master the problems that one faces in a given situation’” (pg. 196). It appears that my struggle is in having an
overabundance of self-efficacy, or the belief that I can effectively take on my
whole world at one time. This leads to a
multitude of responsibilities resting squarely on my shoulders, knocking me
down a peg or two, and my finally prioritizing and effectively taking on most
of what I wanted to accomplish. The
trick in this cycle has always be not allowing my flight instincts to take over
when I begin to feel overwhelmed, but to, instead, prioritize and keep on
attacking. This is the constant cycle I
travel as I try to keep from falling into the trap of valuing self-preservation
and turning towards it when time get tough or my to-do list become too long.
This is a conscious effort I have
been making AND will have to continue to make.
I have found that blogging about the struggle to maintain priorities and
balance is helpful in finding balance and in appreciating my successes when I
have them. It works much like journaling but, because it
is out there for all to see, it keeps me focused on the positive instead of
allowing me to wallow in the negative.
Additionally, I have found that staying out of conversations in which my
peers are discussing the sheer amount of work required or their high levels of
stress allows me to remain centered. It
appears that not only misery, but also stress, enjoys company. If I can’t get away from these types of
conversations, I find that reminding myself everything is relative keeps me
from defaulting immediately to the safety of self-preservation and flight.
After these types of conversations,
I remind myself that being calm about upcoming assignments does not make me
less of a student; being confident in my abilities does not mean I’m
naïve. It does mean that I have a good
deal of self-efficacy, which is a good thing, as long as I realize that I will always eventually stumble, fail, or
flee. It is in these specific cases that
I need to remind myself that I have the knowledge and the strength to quickly
talk myself out of hiding and go back on the attack; to come out of the womb of
self-preservation and into the harsh light of self-actualization.
As if that weren’t a big enough
challenge to face daily, I am also uniquely challenged by the perception of
being a dependent receiver while in the doctoral program instead of an
independent doer. This challenge is due
more to where, and how, I was raised. I
grew up in the deep south, middle of nowhere Georgia to be precise, followed by
several years outside of Columbia, South Carolina. I lived on dead end dirt roads, played in
creeks, and was taught by not only my parents, but the whole community, to
respect and value my elders, particularly the teachers and the preachers. This included not only saying “Sir” and
“Ma’am” but also respecting what they had to say: listening, learning, and looking up to them.
This cultural norm carried into how
I interacted with professors in my undergraduate and Master’s degrees. I was raised to believe the teacher is to be
learned from, respected for their knowledge, and always viewed as above
oneself. In my world, one should never
have conversations focused on the teacher’s personal life, or *gasp* become
friendly with them, as it is “rude” to assume they want to have anything to do
with you outside of the classroom or subject matter. However, in a doctoral level training program,
there is a shift from student to practitioner, from assistant to
scientist. I find navigating the world
of academia difficult. Pair my default
“follower” persona with a culture of viewing teachers as “separate” and you
have an individual who is unsure as to how to interact with staff, as they are
colleagues, professors, and elders at the same time! I find myself wanting to be passively
depending, wanting to just revert to “Yes, Sir” and “No Ma’am.” I just take the requirements, the workload,
the complete lack of control over my own schedule in stride because it’s not
something I can control; deeper yet, it’s not something I feel I’m supposed to
control. I don’t feel the rage the authors suggested many students feel at the
perceived lack of control in a doctoral program (even after having been in the
“real world”) because I am perfectly comfortable in the passive dependent role.
Yet, I know I won’t get as much out
of the program if I sit passively by on all things. So, here I sit, yet again, having to consciously
bolster myself; consciously keep myself from fleeing. I must choose my priorities in the program…and
attack, despite the cries within my mind telling me I’m being rude or
presumptuous and begging me to go back to the comfort of following. Daily, I must wage that war within myself as
I navigate the world of doctoral studies while also somehow balancing my
responsibilities as a mother.
References
Gelso, G., & Fretz, B. (2001).
Counseling psychology (2nd
ed.) Fort Worth, TX: Harcourt Brace.
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